To contact HV about toddlers behaviour

[Mammylamb]

Don’t know if I’ll get judged or seen as a problem family.

DS was a happy baby (very easy) but is a more difficult toddler.

He is 3.5, but the last few weeks have been so difficult. He has been throwing more tantrums than normal, wants to be cuddled into me all the time, and also has been hitting a lot.

I work four days a week and am off on a Friday. It’s a Friday when we tend to get the worst behaviour; I cannot get him dressed and out the door for all the kicking and screaming; the neighbours must think I’m battering him (I’m not)

My friends have suggested mentioning it to the HV, but I’m nervous to do so, in case it puts a black mark against our family

On the Friday could he just be exhausted from an active week , it probably isn't the whole answer but it could contributing to the behaviour

Nothing real to add, apart from that I also have a horrifically tantrummy 3.5yr old. His older sister was a total dream who never once tantrummed ever and lulled me into a false sense of security, so I feel this has hit me doubly hard. He definitely responds to love bombing, he's happiest with 1-1 time with me (I'm on mat leave, so not even working, so your toddlers tantrums are probably nothing to do with you working and everything to do with the fact he's just a threenager!). If I stay at home with him and set up his trains while baby naps, he'll say things like "this is my favourite day EVER" etc. He just wants to be at home, with my full attention, and he's adorable. So try some large scale lovebombing on Fridays. No rush to go anywhere or get up and dressed, maybe a walk to collect leaves in the afternoon etc. Lazy toddler led days.

I’m so glad to read this post today. My DS was an adorable baby, delightful 2 year old and a joy turning 3. He is now 3.5 and is mostly an asshole! It’s such a struggle some days. I’m going to try scheduling fewer activities and “love bombing”. I’m also going to try saying yes more often.

But my god, it’s hard to parent a 3.5 year old! I want to run away or at least down a giant glass of wine when he’s asleep.

This sounds totally normal. He's kicking out on a Friday because it's a safe time when it's just him and mummy. Tbh, I think you need more supportive friends. I can't imagine ANY of mine suggesting I need to talk to the HV simply because my three year old was being awkward when I tried to dress him.

Seriously. What exactly are your expectations of a small child?

don't be afraid to speak to your hv, that's what they're there for. good advice on here, but you might appreciate a real life chat.

Hi, I’m a psychologist and work with children. Given your child’s age, I highly recommend reading The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegal. It’s an easy read and I’m sure will put your mind at rest.

I collect grandson from school on Friday, all he wants to do is go home with me, play lego, marbles, snakes and ladders, raid the goodie cupboard, drink juice and chill. We do have tv on in background. He is just tired by that stage of the week.

Thanks for the reassurance that it’s not just my wee one who’s like this and that it’s fairly normal for his age. I’m just bloody knackered and it seems to have ramped up recently. I think the next few Fridays will be chill days x

My ds is the same age and is perfect for nursery and everyone else but withme cab turn into a demon. He's always pushed his boundaries with me more but recently omg! Think its because mummies are their safe place and they feel safer playing up with us than anyone else. Tbf i prefer hes a little angel at nursery and with relatives even though it means i get the bad behavior.

It’s the hitting that’s the worst. It’s not actually sore; but he does it every time he’s annoyed! I’ve had a few friends and relatives suggest that I hit him back, but I can’t do that (especially worried I would hit him back too hard). Trying to keep calm but today after a lot of hitting I put him on the bed and just lay beside him while he continued his tantrum, with no idea how to stop him

You are his safe place so he can let go of all his emotions and doesn’t need to control himself like he does at nursery or GPS. Totally normal for his age. Have a look at Aha Parenting for some ways to manage a toddler.

I’ve found with mine that the more you react the more they’ve got something to push against. Things can easily escalate and there is nothing more mercurial than a 3 year old. It’s a b*gger of an age because they’re more aware of themselves and how they fit into the world, they’re more independent, are experiencing more emotions and having to deal with others who also think they should get their own way. Add to that the fact that they haven’t developed self-control and it’s a recipe for full on meltdowns.

It might help if you also look into child development so you know what is age appropriate and what you should expect him to be able to cope with so you know when he’s chancing it or that he can’t actually help it.

Most of the time, “naughty” behaviour is just them not being able to deal with something so giving him the tools to do so will help him enormously.

Please don’t hit him when he hits you! It will just teach him to lash out when he’s angry.

www.ahaparenting.com/Ages-stages/preschoolers/Life-Preschooler/preschoolers-3-to-4-year-olds

Lola, I won’t hit him. It would be odd to teach him not to hit by hitting him. X

Aww yea it sounds like Fridays are the one day he gets you all to himself and he just lets out all the pent up frustration. I think you’d do well to stay in and chill as he’s so busy the rest of the week.

We can’t even chill today as work has been getting done in the house. We’ve been out and about all day, a couple of tantrums here and there, but nothing awful. The workman heard the kerfuffle in the morning while we were getting ready to go out, and suggested the solution is a wee smack on the bum or leg. This was also suggested last night by my friend, so it seems to be really common where I am. (My parents would suggest it too, DHs would never give an opinion)

By Friday he's obviously feeling really disconnected from you as he's been away from you for a few days. Do you get some quality time with him before or after work? Even if it's just 10 mins reading with him or doing a quick activity?

If not, Friday's should be all about trying to connect back with him. Asking him what he wants to do and making sure he has your full attention. Trying to get him to do what you want on Friday would be pointless. He needs to feel like he has a bit of control and his mums attention.

Sarah Ockwell-Smith Gentle Discipline book has really helped with my 3 year old.

Good luck!

Just had an awful time in the supermarket. He was hitting, lying screaming on the floor. In the end I took him to sit in the baby change room where he screamed at me full throttle because I wouldn’t buy him chocolate. Screaming that he’s hungry (just after a big lunch).. offered an apple but that wasn’t sufficient. Honestly, where did my angelic baby go? The whole weekend has been a washout. I’m now out with the dog while he is playing happily with DH

Your angelic baby is still there, he’s just taking a break for while! I know MN can be a bit anti-Gentle Parenting and a bit “Show them who’s boss” but I’d definitely think about looking at Aha Parenting or another similar site as they can give you reasons for different behaviour and different ways to deal with it. If you’ve tried time-out, reward charts, taking toys away etc you might as well try a bit of GP. If nothing else, if you can find ways to not lose your shit that will help de-escalate things.

He sounds like a little boy who just doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings and unfortunately the easiest way to express yourself at that age is by screaming and shouting.

Things that work with mine include picking my battles (I’m tolerant of a lot of things but they know when not to push it), let them make as many choices as possible (the choices they get are both what you want them to do but they feel like they’re in control), if you’re stuck in a meltdown/“argument” try and physically change things (go sit on the stairs, if you’re standing sit on the floor etc), listen to what he’s saying and give him space/time to tell you why he’s so pissed off and be consistent. Louder he gets the calmer and more Zen you get

One of mine will shout back if you raise your voice to him so I know there’s no point in both of us standing there screaming. I let him have a shout then explain I’m not going to be spoken to like that as it’s rude and then I’ll tell him what he did and why I’m so cross.

Smacking etc is your parenting choice but I don’t think it’s going to achieve anything other than showing him that losing your temper/control is fine plus it leaves you nowhere to escalate to which, frankly, we all need to be able to do.

Thanks Lola. I was at work yesterday and he was at home with DH. Apparently immaculately behaved!!! He was on top form when I got home and went to bed with no issues.