To be angry at my mother over this?

[Drinkandknowthings]

I have a complicated relationship with my mother. Growing up she managed to be neglectful and smothering.

I don’t allow any unsupervised contact with my DDs. Today I had to make a phone call for my elderly aunt and left her alone with them for 5 mins while I was in the next room. Just as I finished the phone call my 5 year old screamed. I went in and she had a red mark on her lip. She’s been playing with a toy tin whistle, my mum had asked her to stop, DD didn’t and mum slapped it out of her mouth.

I got our stuff and left immediately. I told her it wasn’t her place to discipline DD when I was right there.

DD was wrong to not stop when mum asked her to but my mother is never direct. I can imagine her covering her ears and saying to stop but DD thinking she was joking.

I’m really angry. It’s an hour later and the mark had faded.

Am I overreacting?

Not excusing her but I’m an only child and she is still my mother.
There’s your excuse^
This is a misguided attitude, because someone is your mother/father etc we have to accept their crappy behaviour? What you do if this was a stranger at a play park?

It seems you're asking a slightly different question than I first read, apologies. So think of this another way: how would you react if a stranger or acquaintance did that to your daughter? That might help you gauge whether your reaction is being influenced (in whatever way) by your relationship with your mother. What would you do in those circumstances? How would that incident shape your relationship, or lack of one, moving forwards? What would you be saying to your daughter? What would you be saying to the person who did it?

No, you’re not unreasonable to be angry. However, your mother IS elderly in her late 70’s (my mother died in her mid-60’s) and has various health issues going on. Your plan to visit without your girls seems like the most sensible and kind course of action, for all concerned.

Well by all means rheumatism,hard of hearing and whatever else trumps your five year old daughter's safety and emotional well being! So she only hit the whistle but your daughter screamed and had a red mark on her lip? No biggie! Favoritism toward a younger child? Let's downplay it all! Hell why don't you throw a parade in her honor as grandma of the year?! You're the only child and feel obligated to serve the pair of them where's your duty and obligation to your children?

@availableforlunch - Thats exactly how i read it! Id be cross at the lack of apology to.

My MIL slapped my ds2, then nearly 7, in the face when he was having a sulky moment over losing a game. She did hit my dh growing up, but she had never done anything like that to my children before (and has never since). She had recently traumatically lost FIL and had been in a bad place wrt mental faculties for a while. And she did it in front of dh and ds1, not when others' backs were turned (which it sounds like your mother did). I was still utterly furious and it was a looooong time before she had any unsupervised contact.

If there weren't clearly history in your mother's case, I wouldn't think you needed to cut contact for this (obviously you would be wrong to leave your children with her unsupervised), but it sounds as if this fits into a pattern of behaviour rather than being essentially out of character as it was for my MIL. You may choose not to cut her off, but I think you should avoid taking your children there (particularly as there are also favouritism issues), and if that means you can't see her as often, so be it. Can you see the aunt elsewhere, take her out, perhaps?

(Should specify with 'mental faculties' that MIL does not have dementia - 'just' in a very bewildered and passive place due to FIL's illness and death)