To go NC and if so...

[Starlive23]

How do it do it without guilt?

Bit of background info, I have a quite toxic relative and I really, really need a bit of time away from all the drama. Problem is, if I do go NC it's going to be seen as 'me' who is the bad one ending the relationship. This decision has been very difficult and it's come after 6 years of unbelievable upheaval and bad treatment from said relative. We were very very close growing up and it's heartbreaking to take this step, but I can't have this person around me or my family anymore.

I really wanted to help this person get back on her feet but she doesn't want the help and seems to thrive on drama and I just want a peaceful life. But I feel utterly shit about it and it makes me question whether I've done enough.

I know I'm not making much sense, but how do you know when enough is enough and to step away?

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads my garbled rubbish!

Sometimes I think it's easier to go low contact rather than no contact. No contact can cause awkwardness at family events and the odd time you bump into them out and about (assuming you live in the same area). You can be honest and say 'This situation is too much for me and I need to take some time for myself'. Then see what happens. Either they respect it or keep on at you at which point you need to be firm and tell them to back off or the relationship will have to end.

Not enough backstory. But if you feel like you need to go nc then do it.

Many thanks for replying. There is so much back story I just don't know where to even begin. The whole situation is an absolute mess.
It's my sister, she's a drug addict, she steals from my mum and drags my mum down blaming all her problems on her. She goes off for weeks at a time, fighting with her boyfriend, then back asking for forgiveness from my mum, then stealing off her again as soon as her boyfriend reappears. Ad infinitum. Plus a whole host of other absolutely awful incidents, ruining my wedding, being on drugs the day my baby was born, breaking into my home when we were out at my baby's christening and stealing my kids bikes and selling them etc

Sorry for all the ramblings, there is lots more. I'm just in a state.

Because of that update I would would go no contact and your kids safety and sanity
Fuck any awkwardness
Sometimes a drug addicts need to know they have pushed you too far

I agree from your update that's a lot more than 'drama', op. She has abused your trust over and over and she doesn't deserve you. Cut her out and get on with your life.

Definitely NC. Your responsibility is to yourself and your children. Sounds like you have given her enough chances and this stress will be damaging your health too. Are you worried about the rest of the families reactions if you go NC, or are they considering doing so as well?

Thanks all. I feel like my sympathy has just ran dry and I'm tired of it and the unpredictability of it all. My other sister is really sick and I need all my attention for her, and my family. My mum wants me to keep trying, keep trying to make her see sense but it's a total lost cause and it's took me almost 6 years to realise. It's just the pits and I wish it hadn't come to this. I worry she will end up dead and I'll wish I'd done more, but in reality I don't know what more I can actually do.

@RollonSaturday yes slightly. My other sister has been NC for a while now but it's my mum. She only really has me to talk to about it, but it dominates literally everything. I think also part of it is that I feel selfish, I've got a much happier life and I suppose I feel guilty about it. I realise it's a bit nuts to feel that way, but I feel lucky, even though I have worked hard for my life.

The thing about going no contact is that you can't do it until you're ready to prioritise your own need. Sounds like you're very nearly there. You have to put your needs and the needs (and safety) of your children at the top of the list. Doing that means you have to accept that you may well feel guilt and someone will always think you're the bad guy. But that has to matter less than your own health and wellbeing. Your mother's attitude is completely normal and half of your sister's problem. You are not at all unreasonable to want to detach from that kind of chaos. You can't fix her.

You've done everything you could to save her. If she's not interested in being saved you can't change that.

You need to focus on saving yourself. That doesn't make you selfish. Your life is valuable too.

You can't cure someone elses addiction and you can't control it. Knowing this, choose yourself. Your sister will have to get professional help when she's ready to kick the addiction, and if she dies before that time than there still is nothing you could have done. Drug addiction is more like a serious disease like cancer. A family member just can't make a difference in the outcome.

I'm really grateful for the replies. They have made me feel so much better and made the decision somewhat easier. It's the first time I've ever even spoke about this outside of my immediate family and I feel like a weight has been lifted.

Thanks all. It's been the push I desperately needed to put myself first.