How to deal with this friend

[shirlpo]

Hi all. I already posted in mental health but had no response. My post sounds really self centred but please bear with me, it's with the best intentions.

I don't really know why I'm positing. I just need to vent.

My friend suffers with her mental health. She's on medication (long term) for depression and goes to regular counselling sessions for OCD. I don't know the full diagnosis, but that's what I do know.

I want to be there for her. I really do. But I'm finding it so so so hard. This isn't a woe is me post as I appreciate she's poorly. But I don't know how much more I can take.

She texts me about 8-10 times a day saying she is struggling and feeling down. If I don't reply within 20 mins, she thinks I have fallen out with her.

I've asked her to talk to her counselling honestly but she says she lies when she's there. She doesn't want to talk to her boyfriend of family because she doesn't want to put onto them or "worry them" but it's ok to put it all on my shoulders.

I'm at the end of my tether. I have a small child and I have a NUMBER of my own issues going on. I don't know what to do to help. But I just cannnnnnnnot deal with this constantly.

I feel terrible for getting impatient

I think it’s completely reasonable to be impatient with that. I think you need to set boundaries. Tell her it’s too much, you have x and y going on (if she knows and you want to tell her) and you cannot reply to her instantly.

Perhaps say you will reply once a day and insist that she speaks honestly with her counselling.

It would drive me mad too.

Stop answering her texts. Don't pick up her messages more than twice a day, maximum. If she thinks you've fallen out with her, she gets one message back saying you haven't, maximum. Then change the subject. Don't engage with her anxiety and reassurance-seeking beyond that. Reassurance is addictive and only helps with anxiety in the very short term - she needs to learn to cope without you being at her beck and call, and there's only one way that's going to happen...

How much support does she offer you with your problems, btw?

Is the counselling NHS or private? Because if she's lying to an NHS counsellor she is wasting therapy that someone else could really benefit from. Attendance at counselling is not compulsory if she doesn't want to do it.

You have to think of your own mental health, too.

Sounds like you're a lovely friend and being as sympathetic as you can, but honestly she sounds draining. It's one thing to help a friend through a bad patch, but quite another to be a constant source of reassurance.

I've suffered from anxiety and PTSD mental health issues, and to be honest I'd never expect several messages a day from a friend; she's leaning on you more than is healthy.

Gently step back - can you have a day 'off' and tell her you're having a phone-free day? So she doesn't take it personally? And don't reply to messages immediately, she may fear you've fallen out but it would help set new boundaries and she'd learn you will reply, not immediately, and that's okay.

Otherwise her unhealthy, over-boundary behaviour will just be enabled and reinforced.

One of the hardest things I learned from supporting a family member OP, is that people seek this reassurance as an addictive behaviour because they get a dopamine hit from feeling loved and supported. But it doesn’t help them break the pattern and it is huge pressure on you.

I think you need to send a kind but firm text along the following lines:

Dear X, as you know I care about you and want to be able to support you with your mental health, but I am concerned that we are falling into an unhealthy pattern where you are seeking a lot of reassurance from me on a very regular basis. I worry that these messages aren’t helping you in the long term, and while I always want to help you, it is taking a toll on me too. I will always be here for you but it can’t be in the form of this regular / constant messaging. That means from now on I won’t be able to reply right away or reply to every message. I think this will ultimately be healthier for both of us, and I hope you understand.

It sounds like you need to tell her directly (if possible) that, although you’re there for her, you can’t keep up with that level of texts and replies. Could you maybe reduce it to one supportive text per day?

Thanks everyone.

And that's a really good reply to send. I really need to do something about it but I thought by doing so, that was me being unsupportive and even insensitive to her problems.

I tried yesterday to not reply. I had 5 messages (all whilst I was at work so really shouldn't reply anyway). Then the final one was telling me she really needed me now as she was having an anxiety attack and was upset but didn't want to worry her partner. So I felt like I HAD to reply.

It's really draining me to the point where my H is probably sick to death of hearing ME go on about it.

And this is the thing. Me a H went through a bad patch recently and I was so heartbroken but I had NOBODY to turn to. Nobody. I ended up posting here for support whilst I sat in my car and cried.

(The support on here was great btw, but it would've been nice to have someone to turn to)

I agree with sending Pantene’s message. You need to look after yourself and this relationship is turning a bit toxic for you. I would also kindly suggest that you use some of that freed up time on developing other friendships. It’s heartbreaking to think that you have no friends to turn to when you sound like such a caring person. Spread your love a bit wider.

Stepping back might be better for your friend too. This is wrong on so many levels didn’t want to worry her partner. He should know, for her sake and his own. And I would also be a bit fuming that it’s ok to worry you. (But I appreciate that she might not mean it to come across like that.)

You can still be a good friend without being a constantly available one.

So she ramps it up if you don't reply? Not judgemental, I get she has MH difficulties, and that's why, but that's not on either.
I think the text above is perfect, but be prepared for backlash. Your MH has to come first, just as hers does to her, and mine does to me. If backing away is what you need to do, then do that. What would she do (God forbid) if you expired tomorrow? She'd have to talk to someone else, and talk to her counsellor properly. If pulling back makes you feel guilty (which it shouldn't, but human nature!) then think of it as encouraging her to seek help from the professional who's tasked with helping her. Her counsellor has lots of safeguards and support in place, so they can help her while protecting their MH. You don't.

Whatever text you send I don't think she'll take it well. Having MH problems does not make a person selfish but tbh she sounds like a selfish cow who has no regard for your feelings or well being at all.

I'd just not reply, especially if you're at work. Don't look at her messages until a time when you feel able to cope with them. She will not do anything awful but she may get the message and move on to burdening something else. And I'd bet if she does find someone else to burden then you will not hear from her unless you contact her first.

I wouldn't send Pantenes message, if I received that I'd read it as being highly patronising tbh.

I'd send her a nice 'have a lovely day' type photo message from sites like power of positivity and mention you've got a hectic day ahead. ie you won't be contactable.

Don't read or reply to any of her messages until you have time or inclination to do so.

If she ramps up the emotional guilt then you reply saying sorry I have a lot on myself at the moment, I'll be in touch. Then leave it.

I'd tell her that you can not look at your phone and you will reply at X time. Tell her this rather than tapering off or she will become extra anxious.
When I'm in the cycle of anxiety I feel I need certain people on hand, however I learnt that by these people answering and reassuring me, inadvertently they were feeding the cycle.
The less replies and reassurance, the more your friend will learn to be self-reliant and hopefully this will stop her need for constant access to you.

I had a school mum friend like this. She has mental health issues and every day is about her. She would send me numerous messages and if I didn't answer, she'd keep ringing me! I didn't enjoy the friendship at all and found her draining, controlling and manipulative. I blocked all her calls and messages for my own santity. When I saw her on the school run, I'd still say hello and smile. She would and still does just stare at me without uttering one word! I feel great now. I am not a councillor and will never allow myself to be used like that again.

I tried yesterday to not reply. I had 5 messages (all whilst I was at work so really shouldn't reply anyway). Then the final one was telling me she really needed me now as she was having an anxiety attack and was upset but didn't want to worry her partner. So I felt like I HAD to reply.

This (and I say this gently, for I am no stranger to SSRIs myself) sounds like she is utterly manipulative. The fact that she doesn't want to burden her DP suggests she realises that it IS a burden, so I think something like Pantene's message is perfect, as it's not really telling her anything she doesn't already know at some level, but needs pointing out to her anyway.

It's really unfair of her. I try not to lean on anyone too much when I'm down, because it does take from them and you never really know how much someone has to give.

Thank you everyone. It's started already this morning!!!

I think I'm going to construct some sort of message this evening to address the problem (probably not the correct word).

I really appreciate everyone's responses as I really was worried it comes across like I don't care, or that I'm disregarding her feelings to make it "me me me" so it's really given some perspective!