My User Name

[Ivefuckedmylifeover]

In 4 weeks I turn fucking 50

And in the space of 10 years Ive fucked my life right up

Im in shit loads of debt (impossible to get out of in the rest of my lifetime)
Ive fallen out with my best friends (due to a either ignoring them, or b not turning up when I should c cancelling d finding any excuse to not meet up with them (last 3years or so)
Ive fallen out with my Mum (not speaking)
Ive booked a holiday to run away from my life (kids now old enough to be left)
Im a widow dh died 14 years ago ( I never ever really dealt with it)
Ive had a stupid amount of flings since and probably been a bitch with all the nice guy's (kids never knew)
I drink every night so I can sleep - Have done for years- hold down a full time job (and good at it)
But NOW I can feel myself about to fuck that up. Cause Im starting to feel old,stupid cant compete with the 20 somethings.
I want to die but I cant cause my kids will have no-one They've already lost 1 of us. They cant lose another before there 25
But seriously other than them thats it
I actually dont know what to do next
Sorry needed to vent
Oh Im fat as well watch my diet but still fat cause I dont go anywhere other than work
On a plus Im 3 months no smoking (the only plus) apart from kids

Sounds like you are still grieving.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

Where are you going on holiday?

Talk to a bereavement support service. You poor pup. If you don't do your grieving properly, it bites you in the arse.

Sounds like you've had a rough time of it and things snowballed.
You've done well to keep going but your grief has impacted so much on the rest of your life so might be time to seek help for that.
You clearly love your children.
You must have a lot of willpower to quit smoking.
Small steps and good luck 💐

Grief is a real bitch and it sounds like it has you in its grip. Please don’t look only at what you perceive to be your failures. Even from the negative portrait you’ve just painted I can see that you’ve raised and protected your kids, and been successful at work. I bet there’s lots more as well you haven’t mentioned. Please be kind to yourself

Sounds like you've had a difficult time and could do with some support.

Easy to go day to day but these deep down feelings, interfere with day to day "trying put a face on or ignore problems"

If they are good friends you should try talk to them. Sounds like you need them.

Aswel as you mum, everyone knows how grieve affects everyone. Sure someone making the first step towards communicating?

Holiday sounds what you need, enjoy and refocus on all the good points in your life, children ect. Find a quiet spot and have a good scream get all off your chest.

We all go through these feelings and your not alone, or fucked it up nearly turning 50. Some things are out of our control. Have you spoken to your children or anyone how you feel?

Releasing stress here is brilliant, but to your family will have much better emotional support.

All the best xx

It does sound as if you haven't grieved properly following the death of your husband and that you are subconsciously trying to self destruct.

It would be easy to suggest a list of action points e.g. Debt management, phone your mum etc but I think that you probably need some professional counselling before you will be able to move forward emotionally.

How soon is your holiday? If it's soon I would prioritise to relax and enjoy, if it's not for a while I would suggest to talk to your GP about a referral to counselling.

I hope that things feel better for you soon - there is nothing that can't be fixed once you are in the right place emotionally.

lots of good advice here. Feel for you op. Well done you for coping with the stuff and realising you’ve got some stuff still to deal with. Don’t be too hard on yourself.