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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to be pissed off that he told his family we are TTC?

23 replies

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 18:26

So a bit of background - I do not get on with my in-laws very well at all. They emigrated 10 years ago, when DH and I were in our late teens, and because he stayed here to be with me it caused a huge rift in the family. Things have got better over the years and MIL has come to stay with us a couple of times, but we still don't particularly see eye to eye.

MIL is planning to come and visit again next year (for the first time in 4 years) and she was talking to DH about when she might aim to schedule the trip. He suggested the later part of the year because we are TTC and he wouldn't want her to miss anything!

I only know this because I was borrowing his phone for something and I "happened to see" the messages on FB Messenger... I know that sounds terrible, but I am not usually the type to snoop at all and I trust him 100%. I can just never resist an occasional peek at his messages with MIL when the opportunity is there, because she has said some horrible things about me in the past and I still feel like she tries to turn him against me. She sometimes says things like "look at your sister's house, don't you wish you'd moved here so you could have had this sort of life too?" (when his younger sister bought a huge house out there last year). I don't know why I do it to be honest because it only pisses me off... I never look for messages from anyone else or snoop further than that - our marriage is generally in excellent health and we love and trust each other fully. I am just very nosey when it comes to conversations between him and his mum, as I don't trust her!

Anyway, in the FB conversation DH also said that he had told his Nan that we were TTC as it had "slipped out" when he went to see her last week (she still lives about an hour away and he visits every few weeks). That too appears to have been in the context of his mum coming over.

I really, really didn't want them to know about it and feel sad and annoyed. I can't exactly say anything because I know I shouldn't have been snooping. I do at least understand why he told his mum, of course he wants her to be there when we (hopefully) have a baby for her to meet. She only comes here every 3-4 years. I just wish he'd talked to me about it first. He probably didn't because he knew I wouldn't like it. Also to be fair I did tell my mum (without asking him first), but that was because we haven't been successful straight away and I know she had difficulty conceiving me. I should have asked him first but there was a natural point in a conversation mum and I were having, and I hadn't planned to talk to her yet.

Anyway, do you think I am being unreasonable? And should I talk to him about it?

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TitianaTitsling · 13/06/2019 18:29

Sorry but I think you are being unfair- you can't have it being ok that you told your family without him knowing and be annoyed he's done the same thing! Would you be happy with him readings your texts to family?

WorraLiberty · 13/06/2019 18:32

Yes you're being unreasonable but even more importantly you're being hypocritical.

And regarding the whole tsunami of 'reasons' why you sneak behind his back to read his private messages, none of them are justified.

ReganSomerset · 13/06/2019 18:33

YABU, sorry. You are using blatant double standards, and ttc affects both of you.

Doyouavocado · 13/06/2019 18:34

YABVU why are you arsed? It’s his mum and it’s the truth. Are you quite controlling in this relationship?

AyBeeCee10 · 13/06/2019 18:36

Yabu. She comes only every 3-4 years and it's perfectly reasonable for him to want her to meet her gc if it works out.

jb1305uk · 13/06/2019 18:38

You are being unfair. You can’t tell your mum, even given the reasons you stated if you won’t allow him to tell his.

I don’t think you should get hung up on it, move on. Good luck for TTC.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/06/2019 18:40

If you had both agreed to keep your fertility plans a secret from everyone, you would have a right to be upset. But for you to have the liberty to tell your family yet deny him the same privilege, you are being completely unreasonable and controlling. The world does not revolve around you.

Noonooyou · 13/06/2019 18:41

I can't believe how unreasonable you're being here. You and your DH love and trust each other fully? Well your poor DH does trust you but he has no idea that you are READING his messages.
You need to stop going behind his back, it is lying and not nice.
Secondly, you absolutely can't be annoyed at him telling his mum when you've told yours? It doesn't matter that yours came up on natural conversation..he doesn't see his mum in person so his came up in natural conversation too, just over messages.

Gazelda · 13/06/2019 18:43

Sorry, YABU.
You told your mum in a natural conversation, and for a valid reason.
He did the same.
You snoop on his messages. No excuse.

Having said that, I hope you soon conceive and that a new baby in the family goes further to healing the tense relationship with his parents,

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 18:44

I know, I really need to stop reading the messages. It's an old habit and I feel awful every time I do it. At the beginning she tried everything she could to get him to move over there with them, and it was horrible. Every day I thought he was going to leave because of her, which is why I started keeping an eye on their conversations. I am not generally controlling at all (believe it or not), and would never try to stop him visiting her or whatever if he wanted to. I just have huge issues with his mum that I really need to put to bed after all these years... I know :(

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WorraLiberty · 13/06/2019 18:48

I'm sorry but I think the issues are with you and your DH, if every day you thought he was going to leave you.

If your relationship is strong, his mum isn't going to be able to tempt him to divorce you and go to live in another country.

BunsOfAnarchy · 13/06/2019 19:03

You need to work on your major trust issues before you TTC.

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 19:03

@worraLiberty - I don't think that now! I was only 19 when they emigrated and he was sofa surfing for the first few months with nowhere to live. We are now approaching 30 and are married with a house. Looking back we (well, he) was taking a massive gamble back then and I knew it. Luckily it has worked out beautifully and we are both much more mature now and very happy. It's just this silly habit I've never been able to stop. I used to look a few times a week, now it's more like once a month, but I know it really needs to stop.

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SirGawain · 13/06/2019 19:09

He suggested the later part of the year because we are TTC and he wouldn't want her to miss anything!
Don’t tell me he plans to invite her to the conception 🤭😗

MissReginaPhalange · 13/06/2019 19:12

From 19 to 30, surely you're now capable of not being so hypocritical and controlling and actually mind your business? Give him that decency and respect.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/06/2019 19:15

Yabu. You’re allowed to tell your mum without telling him? But he can’t tell his. Double standards, and totally unfair.

hidinginthenightgarden · 13/06/2019 19:18

Yabu. You didn’t ask him to keep it a secret and you have told your mum. Double standards there.

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 19:23

I suppose to me the difference is that he adores my mum and she has only ever been supportive of us, whereas I really don't get on with his mum and she has actually tried very hard to split us up. I know that's irrelevant and you have confirmed what I already know - I am being totally unreasonable here and need to grow up Blush

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poglets · 13/06/2019 19:24

I wouldn't have told my mother I was TTC. I would have spoken to a doctor about concerns before anyone else. I would not have been happy if my DH had told his family either: but as you did you don't have a leg to stand on.

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 19:28

@poglets not concerned yet, it is still fairly early days. We were cooing over a cute baby and she hinted about having a GC - I said something like "it might not be that easy though like it wasn't for you" and she said "oh I'm sure it'll happen straight away when you decide you want one" and I think my reaction gave it away anyway so I just said "well actually no" Blush

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MeredithGrey1 · 13/06/2019 19:30

If you hadn’t told your mum (and leaving aside the snooping at his messages) then I’d say you weren’t being unreasonable because I can understand wanting to keep something like that private. But since you told your mum then I don’t really think you can get annoyed, especially given the context of her only visiting every few years.

TitianaTitsling · 13/06/2019 21:17

Do you read any other messages of his? Was the initial plan for him to move with family, and had you been together long before they moved?

RainbowMe · 13/06/2019 21:27

@TitianaTitsling no I don't read any other messages. Yes he was going to move with the family, we'd been together a year and the move had been going through for several months before we got together. I do understand why his family were angry with me, but some of the things his mum and sister said about me were truly vile and extremely hurtful. His sister never has spoken to me since they left and wouldn't come to the wedding.

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