To spend money on psychotherapy when I'm not having mental health problems?

[MotherOfDragonite]

So, I am not depressed and I don't have an urgent mental health need; I just want some space to talk and reflect on some of the patterns in my life (especially around relationships) with the hope of gaining more self-awareness and insight. I feel like really want to find somebody who will be perceptive and challenging and make connections and ask me difficult questions.

But I don't have a great deal of money at the moment as I am working part-time and solo parenting. I would be using some money that I inherited from a relative; I think it would give me 6-12 months worth of therapy.

I have a vague and ill-informed hankering for some kind of talking therapy to improve myself and to try to understand some of the patterns in my life. I feel like it could be quite transformative if I found a therapist who could help me to understand this stuff. Also, I could do with some space to talk and be listened to generally as I don't like to offload too much on my friends but there is a lot on my plate.

AIBU to spend the money this way?

And how do you know how to find a type of therapy and a therapist who suits you? I am confused about all the types and how helpful they might actually be in practice. I like the sound of psychodynamic psychotherapy but there are lots of other types (Jungian, Lacanian, integrative) that I don't really understand.

Hi Mother this is an interesting post and I can see where you are coming from, I don't have the answers but just to say that you may need to try a couple of initial appointments with different therapists before you find someone you 'click' with. I think the person is more important than the specific school/approach. A life coach type approach might suit you (would have to be the right person obviously).
I have not managed to find the right one for me, last year I started something for similar reasons to you but after some months they wanted me to commit to more sessions and longer term therapy and I just couldn't afford to time and money wise. I do find therapists can be quite prescriptive in telling you what you 'need' rather than listening to what you 'want'.

Oh yes do it. As a therapist I had to have therapy in my training. It was great, discovered , or at least better understood parts of my personality that has since made life much easier. Go for it

Forgot to say YANBU

Kel as a therapist yourself can you give any pointers on finding a good one?. I have encountered some not good ones in my time!

I'm a Nurse Therapist working in an NHS Psychotherapy dept and whilst people can have mental health issues e.g. depression, we treat people with emotional difficulties, not necessarily mental illness. It's psychodynamic model and it's very much relationship focused, and aims to help people understand themselves, their emotions and their relationships more.

Sounds really constructive.
You could also think about doing a psychotherapy training course, I learnt loads about myself and it gives you insight about how therapy works. Lots of reading and reflection opportunities. You don’t have to go on to be a therapist obviously!

Hi op

An integrative therapist would cover a lot of bases for you, you can interview as many therapists as you like until you find me you feel comfortable with.

If you want a therapist to be talkative and involved rather than just listen, then tell them that up front, as we aren't meant to offer opinions. There are ways though of getting a point across or be constructively challenging.

The thing about therapy and cost, is that it is an investment in yourself, it's expensive because it costs therapists thousands to train, and keep on training.

Think of the time and anxiety you will save, if the therapy means you make less bad decisions
In future. Also you dont have to go every week, and it doesn't have to take months or years.

Good luck

I had a lot of therapy in the past years due to depression/ overcoming childhood traumas and I have often said that I think that everyone, regardless of (non existing) mental issues, would benefit from a therapy session now and then. I call it maintanance for the mind/soul.

We are all dealing with things that we could use some mental support for and a therapist can provide us with a professional perspective on problems that we might be even too embarassed about discussing with the people close to us.
Its nice to have a stranger who doesnt know you at all to listen to you and help you from a neutral perspective.

Thank you, these are really helpful responses.

Yes, I can see what you mean about getting the right person, buggalugga. I guess I should try to avoid feeling stuck with somebody I don't feel I click with.

guilty, that is really good advice about saying that I'd like them to help me to make connections. As I do worry about just sitting there and voicing my inner monologue while the therapist just nods and lets me go on!

I have had therapy through the NHS and wonder if it would be worth you asking your GP for a referral as Laguna says people are referred to them for emotional difficulties so you may fit that criteria and could save your inheritance for something else.

Double, in my area the only therapy on offer on the NHS is for 6 weeks at a time and is generally CBT (which I don't think is what I need). That's a good idea for other people in other areas though!

yes, do - I think it's a fantastic thing to do. I started after my divorce and am still having it. really helps with relationships and I understand a lot more about myself and my reaction to things now than I did. I don't think anyone would be wasting their money to go to one.

I found my counsellor by recommendation (someone who knew her thought she'd be perfect for me).- but I did go to another one first who wasn't very good.

I don't think CBT would suit your needs, you'd need something longer term like psychodynamic or integrative (I'd go for that one). The most important thing is to find someone who you gel with and who can challenge you in a healthy way. Maybe tell them your money situation, good therapists will bend and flex on payment and they can talk to you about the length of therapy. Great use on money in my opinion. Also just to throw it out there I always find huge progress in group therapy. Hate it to be honest but hugely beneficial

I've just started psychotherapy a few weeks ago, it's worth looking around as rates seem to vary enormously. I've been lucky I think to gel with the first therapist I have tried, but I did quite a lot of research on local therapists first. I don't have any particular mental health issues at the moment, although I am trying to juggle a lot of different things and am quite stressed. I wanted to look at patterns in relationships, but also have a history of domestic violence, under-achievement and low self-esteem and financial problems which I want to explore as I feel kind of stuck. Some of this stuff goes back to my teens (probably further if I'm honest), and a lot of it I just want to offload to someone who is detached from it all. I have considered doing this for years and put it off for one reason or another; I just decided I don't want to look back in another 10 years and wish I'd given it a go.

It's been useful to me so far to just have a couple of sessions where I talked about what was bothering me at the time and jumped about rather a lot, but I have now started to focus in a bit. I am keeping a notebook where I write down things I want to talk about, memories that are surfacing that seem relevant or keep coming up. So far it's just been really nice to feel listened to; I could probably go on talking to the therapist indefinitely but would run out of money, so I have committed to myself to have at least 3 months worth of sessions and then review. Obviously it's early days, but I really look forward to each session, it's one of the only times each week I don't feel focussed on everybody else's needs. I would say give it a go.

Thank you, this is really helpful. @AnnaNimmity that is really reassuring. I've been struggling to justify it when I don't have "a real problem" but I do feel there is stuff that I would greatly benefit from addressing in myself and my approach to relationships.

@cinnabarmoth, that is exactly what I was imagining and hoping that therapy could be like -- some space for me, and some wise support in addressing both a feeling of stuckness and some recurring patterns. Do you mind my asking whether the therapy has helped re understanding patterns? And what kind of approach your therapist uses?

Neatfreakmama, that's really helpful, thank you! I think you are right about needing something longer term. I don't feel I could do group therapy at the moment although maybe I would feel more open minded about it after I've said things out loud for the first time in a safe and private space and gotten used to that way of thinking?

I did exactly this for the same reason. I did phychodynamic therapy but realised after three sessions I'd spent £200 and learned nothing. The therapist didn't offer any insights at all but just sat and nodded and I had to point out myself what I thought were significant points.
So I just didn't feel I could afford that to just talk to myself effectively.

Hi OP. YANBU I think. In my experience a good therapist definitely will listen and direct questions to help you explore yourself. If they start directly advising you and you don’t want that, you can tell them or work with someone else. I also think it sounds like a good time for you to do this as you sound open to exploring and change. If you ever try and do that when in crisis it’s so hard, much better when life is ticking along. I have had art therapy, with a jungian approach. But there was lots of talking too and it was the fact that I felt comfortable with my therapist that enabled me to get a lot from it. Good luck!

This will probably get me a naughty message from MNHQ but a friend who did just that stopped after a few sessions, she said 'If you don't have MH problems before you go, you will after a few sessions!'

@MotherOfDragonite

It's still very early days so I can't really say yet that it's helped, but it's at the very least a relief to be able to say some things that I would usually keep to myself. I sometimes trail off while talking to her and she encourages me to finish my train of thought, and to express how some of the things I am describing made me feel. It feels like a safe space to do this. Perhaps the most useful bit for me so far has been the validation, the recognition that these things happened to me and how that made me feel. As far as spotting patterns goes, interestingly rather than seeing patterns in the way that I have behaved or reacted to things, I am beginning to see a pattern in the way that other people's behaviour towards me has produced the same negative feelings in me in response to other situations, if that makes sense.

The approach she uses is an integrative one which I understand means she uses a range of different approaches and techniques.

Hi OP. I’m a psychologist trained in various therapeutic modalities (including cbt- which doesn’t sound right for your needs). I had to have therapy as part of my training and it really was invaluable- no specific mental health problems but it gave me a much needed space to reflect and unpick relational patterns.
I would suggest a relational psychodynamic approach, steering away from the Freudian psychoanalytic approach.
When looking for a therapist really check their qualifications as anyone can call themselves a counsellor without training as it’s not a protected term and you don’t want to waste your money.

Oh and YANBU! You’re investing in yourself as a pp said.

I do exactly the same and it’s immensely valuable! Have found that relationship to be incredibly significant and has led to much greater self awareness. Probably got lucky with the therapist though!

Thank you, this is really helpful.

I think you are right @TheEgregiousPeach and I will avoid the psychoanalytic and Freudian stuff, which feels right to me as I don't understand what it means. The description of the psychodynamic approach seems clearer.

I may have found a local psychotherapist who is within my price range! On the BACP website, and with guidance from you guys I have made sure they have qualifications as you are right, it is really hard to tell how experienced somebody is. I am going for an initial session and if it feels like a good fit then I will wait until there is a regular slot!

@cinnabarmoth that is pretty much exactly what I am hoping for. It sounds like a really helpful and wonderful experience.

It is very unlikely you would get a GP referral for this.

I have had psychodynamic therapy but be warned it is a hard and emotional slog and it takes a long time - I did 2 and half years and wasn't really finished but stopped as I was relocating.

However it was one of the best things I ever did.