Is this domestic violence?

[Fakenametodayhey]

The man broke the bedroom furnature and musical instrument in a fit of blind rage. I think the children were present and she was holding their baby.
He has punched holes in walls and doors.
He has broken tvs and games consoles and other bits and bobs aswell. Although he hasnt hit the woman recently. Only once ages ago. So is it dv? Im not sure it counts. Her family seem very dismissive and i think she might not take it as seriously because of this.

Also is there anywhere i can send her if she does agree to get help?
Adamant that she doesnt want police involved and she said she wouldnt leave the family home to move into a hostle or a bed and breakfast she said that it would be too disruptive. She has a secret fund of approx 1-2k stashed away. Not enough for a deposit and first months rent and fees on a rental though. Plus she would need furniture and appliances and everything if she did leave.
She doesnt think she can be offered council housing if she refuses a hostle (she might just be making up excuses though)
How likely is it that she would get help from council? She has no job and 3 dcs inc baby.

I also know he is an alcoholic but again its dismissed as just a bloke having a few drinks after work (every single night)
Maybe this is what is causing anger issues.

How do i break through? She seems to want to leave but doesnt just want to be another single mum on benefits but i think thats much better than the alternative.

She comes from a very abusive background so him hitting the wall instead of her is a dream come true.

Also she is worried about social services.
Do they always get involved?

Sorry its long, i didnt want to drip feed. And also i want to come back tomorrow with a clear argument.

Obviously i dont have the whole story but she seems upset most days and wont tell all to me.

If she goes to the council and asks to be rehoused due to DV they will put her in temporary accomodation. It may or may not be a hostel. She doesn't get to pick and choose. Either she needs it or she doesn't.

I know this sounds harsh but if she won't leave, the children should be taken away from both of them. They are learning a really awful lesson about relationships and violence and it's inevitable that they'll take those forward into their own relationships.

How do you know them?

Oh should like to add that son has sn and likely would find a move to a hostle and another move to a new house V distressing. This is i think the reason the woman might be against it.

She could start by phoning Women’s Aid. They will listen to her and point her in the right direction.

It’s domestic abuse and child abuse.

And of course it is domestic abuse and it’s very serious too.

She thinks her child would be disrupted by moving?! She needs to realise that staying in this house with this abusive man, will hugely affect those children for life. She must put them first and get out.

Yes, it is.

Don't tell her what to do. Ask questions to give her space to reflect and open up, but don't tell her what to do or think. And don't judge her.

Freedom Programme can help her understand why this is DV and what a healthy relationship would look like. They won't tell her to leave, judge her, etc. And it's confidential. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The group course is free to attend. It's information, not therapy. She won't have to share anything about herself.

Women's Aid can help with practical matters. There is a page on their website about how to support someone you're worried about. 0808 2000 247 to speak to someone.

She needs to be ready to leave herself. It's a huge leap to make, especially if abuse is all she's ever known.

DV is about power and control. If you start pressuring her and telling her what to do you're just replicating her experiences of being abused.

@HollowTalk i think she is feeling more trapped in the situation. She said that when she saved 1k to move out she would but we were looking at renting and its so much more expensive than she thought.
She is trying to get to 3k but i dont think she should wait.
If the son wasnt so demanding she might have broken free.
It seems she has a million reasons to wait. Shes obviously scared about starting brand new and now with the added worry of landlords not accepting people on UC. She just doesnt want to end up in a worse situation.

Domestic abuse seriously messes up children - for life. That is why social services remove children from families who cannot/will not address the domestic abuse. She is being abused and will he helped with housing.

@oneforthepain yes believe me i am trying not to judge her at all. I dont know the whole story and they seem quite happy and i was quite shocked that she disclosed this info to me as we arent incredibly close.

I dont think she would have if i hadnt prompted her about the beer cans in the bin (loads -eniugh for me to quietly comment)
The kids have spoken in public about theyre dad liking the pub and drinking beer is only for daddies not mummies. This upset her very much.

Does anyone know if there is anyway she could be rehoused without having to go through temporary accomadation? This is the biggest hurdle and i thi k she will get out of there faster and seek help sooner. She said she doesnt want be living with loads of women who have been hurt worse than her and who will probably ask her loads of questions.
She is very private and i have to prod for ages before she lets anything go. She also has problems socialising so i think the idea of living with strangers is scaring her too.

She said she doesnt want be living with loads of women who have been hurt worse than her and who will probably ask her loads of questions.

I've not known anyone who's had that experience in a refuge. Nobody else there will want to be quizzed either. And they're not big industrial dormitories.

The advantage of a refuge as a stepping stone is that it should bring much more support for her in taking the steps she needs to build a better, safer, happier life and develop the tools she needs to have healthy relationships in future. There is support available outside of refuges, but a refuge might make the transition easier.

Her fears about ending up worse off are natural because she's effectively jumping into the unknown. That's bloody scary for anybody. But recognising that will help in facing it.

The thing is, as long as she stays she will never have the possibility of things getting better. Once she's safe from abuse she has a world of opportunities in front of her. Even if there are setbacks and bad times the opportunity to make it better is always there. That's not the case with abuse, it only gets worse.

Leaving isn't easy, and the shock of it can make it feel worse initially. There's grief that hits you for realising the dreams you had of that relationship won't happen, and leaving your normal, familiar life behind. Especially when abuse is all you've ever known - it's a big adjustment and takes time to recover. She'll need longer term, consistent support to help her adapt.

It won't instantly be all rosy. She'll probably need your support more than ever after leaving. Going from being controlled to suddenly having control over everything can be too much to cope with alone. And without doing something like the Freedom Programme she's at risk of inadvertently ending up in another abusive situation.

Mentioning this because often people think as soon as someone leaves that's it, job done. The aftermath of leaving is challenging too, although temporary. If you're not expecting it, it can make it seem like you've made a mistake by leaving and should go back.

Call Women's Aid and get advice on her specific options where you and she live. Nobody on here can answer that. Other than to say that although she may not be able to leave in her ideal, perfect way, but there will be a way to successfully leave and rebuild.

the idea of living with strangers is scaring her too

Discuss this with women's aid... Some refuges are set up as self contained studio flats, others she'd still have her own room with her children but shared kitchen.

But she might only be in a refuge for a very short period of time.

The best way to address all her fears is to gather specific information for her circumstances. Women's Aid can help with finding a refuge place and can help sort out the info she needs on her options.

Guessing in the dark will make the fear worse. Gather concrete info and get rid of as much of the uncertainty as possible. It will make it more manageable.

Remember that fees for rentals have just been outlawed, so that may make it a bit more within her reach, or at least sooner?