Turning 40 and preparing to be devastated

[CarolineGladman]

I’m turning 40in September and for over a
year have said my OH that I’d like him to take me away. It’s not the going away that matters but more the planning, thought and consideration that he would need to put into it.
My friend is 50 two days after my 40th and her family have secretly planned to take her away, my friend has txt my OH to offer help in booking leave from work which he ignored, she then contacted my MIL who raised it with him.
He said he had used all bar 11 hours of his leave, hasn’t saved any money and doesn’t have childcare! These are all things which I really wanted to see him plan.
I’ve explained to him that I plan everything we do, the kids, family trip, childcare and for once I wanted him to plan something for me and he was like, you need to tell me where you want to go, how I’m paying for it and when we can go 😡
In desperation I’ve asked my mum to help him as I will be embarrassed that the man who I do everything for and support fully in his running can’t even give the time to plan a trip.

You need to stop enabling him being useless by doing everything in the day to day.

How does getting your mum to do it help at all here?

It doesn’t change the fact that your boyfriend let you down.

Is he useless at organising things but shows you love in many other ways?

However you decide to deal with this, I wouldn’t suggest it be by going away with him on a trip your mum has planned!

Sorry OP but even if your mum cajoles him in a weekend stay somewhere, you're going to know your Mum did it and that surely defeats the object?

Agree with Purple. You need changes in the day to day, not one faked surprise trip

This would really upset me too OP. So much so that I have been planning my next big birthday for years and planning and saving for lots of different things as I think my DH will be the same. He'll remember about it a fortnight before then realise he had no money and no time to plan anything. Therefore I've been saving a small amount every month for years now and am planning trips to SA, Ireland and mainland Europe next year and also for a big party and some jewellery as a memento for myself. That's what I really want so anything he now does will be an added extra and I won't feel so cross. His big birthday is after mine so I fully intend to put as much effort into his as he does to mine (he may surprise me!) too.

I know that this is giving him a get out but I couldn't cope with the crushed expectations and disappointment. Can you plan anything nice for yourself (I know you shouldn't have to). I hope your DH pulls his finger out.

What a useless twat. Well, this is your life, for ever, unless he changes.

Stop involving your mum. Sit your h down and talk to him. Tell him what you do for him, remind him he’s an adult, get him to really think about things. But he needs to change how he acts in everyday life too.

He sounds useless.

Personally I’d book myself (and a friend, or maybe just me) a lovely break somewhere amazing, pop the tickets into a card addressed to my wonderful Caroline, wait for him to utterly disappoint you on your birthday and then open it in front of him, saying “oh Caroline you really shouldn’t have, oh but you deserve it, you do so much for everyone else, the least you deserve is a lovely holiday” and let him sort out the childcare etc.

Stick it on a 0% credit card to pay off if you don’t have the money spare right now. He needs to see you treat yourself in the way you deserve. He’ll either realise what a shit he’s been, or he won’t and you can make plans to spend your time and energy looking after yourself in future instead of him. Enjoy your birthday and your holiday!

What Raging said. Treat yourself, and stop enabling his uselessness.

Yep you're saddled with him till the day you die.
Unless you divorce him.
I know what I would do.

In desperation I’ve asked my mum to help him as I will be embarrassed that the man who I do everything for and support fully in his running can’t even give the time to plan a trip

Whereas if your mum helps him it will mean something ? Sorry OP but he doesn't give a shit, he's made that perfectly obvious and you asking all and sundry to get involved is just a desperate effort to find a way to convince yourself this matters to him. He couldn't be any clearer that it doesn't! Even if he organizes something now you know full well it would only be because others ^encouraged/cajoled/did it for him, not because he thinks it's important.

Instead of preparing to be devastated by something that you know in advance is going to happen why don't you cut him out of it completely and organise a weekend with friends or relatives? Obviously that doesn't address the wider issue here but if you want to do something for your 40th then you should.