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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to worry that I don't play with my kids enough?

24 replies

ScatteredMama82 · 12/06/2019 23:11

I just really struggle to find hours in the day to do anything other than the essentials. I work, my DH works away all week. I find the evenings are just crazy, by the time I feed the kids, make packed lunches, hang up laundry, iron what needs done and rattle through homework it's time for bath and bed. I just feel like our weeks are so 'functional' and to be honest I'm exhausted. I try to leave the 'chores' until they are in bed but the eldest doesn't put his light out until about 9.30pm so once I've had a shower and a cuppa it's time for bed for me too.

I feel guilty that I'm not spending time playing with kids (they are 4 and 9). The weekends are better as DH is home and we tend to go out and do things as a family. Is it just me? Am I being a rubbish Mum?

OP posts:

Mammylamb · 12/06/2019 23:13

I think that sounds pretty standard for most working parents. Sorry!

ChevalierTialys · 12/06/2019 23:36

I worry about this too.

GreenTulips · 12/06/2019 23:40

Why not have a Friday night games night? Crack open some board games.

You have time if you make time.

EmiliaAirheart · 12/06/2019 23:42

I would make an effort to do the things like ironing, laundry and lunches either while the kids are engaged in their own stuff to relax, or make time after they go to sleep.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 12/06/2019 23:45

Not a bad mum at all!! Can you do all ironing in a one batch at some point over the weekend? We don't iron at all and our kids still look totally fine in their uniform.

Laundry gets folded and piled. I put each person's pile away once per week.

Herja · 12/06/2019 23:46

Bugger that. I had two to avoid that...

More seriously, I play on days we are not all very busy and I am not shattered. So the weekend mostly. When possible I play one on one while the other does clubs etc. I don't feel guilty about this at all, they have a house full of toys and activities along with each other to play with, as I'm sure do yours.

Gogreen · 13/06/2019 00:05

Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day, it’s what you choose to do with them, wouldn’t be doing ironing, laundry and homework every night! Can’t you just pike it all up and do that in a Wednesday and Friday, leaving the other evenings to play?

MyDcAreMarvel · 13/06/2019 00:08

No not a rubbish Mum but two things stand out. Homework is no benefit to primary age children may even be detrimental. You could use that time.
9.30 is really late for a 9 year old.

MyDcAreMarvel · 13/06/2019 00:09

And don’t iron it’s pointless.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 13/06/2019 02:59

"Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day"

They really don't. Some people have cleaners. Some people have no/short commutes. Some people have family to help out.

The OP is a working mum whose husband is away. Her workload is compressed into much less time than a woman whose husband is at home or who doesn't work.

OP, forget about ironing, it's pointless. Half the chores, so if you hoover every day, drop it down to every other day. Get your kids to muck in (that can be a game in itself). Lower your standards, basically.

kidsmakesomuchwashing · 13/06/2019 03:27

I could have written your post - my life is identical!

Kiwiinkits · 13/06/2019 03:41

Could you talk to your employer about letting you drop your hours slightly, if you're so rushed all the time? E.g. take Wednesday afternoon off?

Could you buy time, e.g. employ a student who comes over one afternoon a week and does the ironing and cooks a meal and does the laundry. Just to buy a bit of time for one afternoon.

Kiwiinkits · 13/06/2019 03:44

Your kids will gain more from playing a game of monopoly with you or going for a neighbourhood evening stroll with you than they will from homework. Our school has a no homework policy. It's research-backed (but don't ask me to link to the research as I CBA).

Someone9 · 13/06/2019 06:05

Playing is for children OP. Generally when adults get involved it interrupts their “flow” and imagination.

I’d make it a point to drop one or two chores before they go to bed so you can have at least 15 minutes or so one to one time with each child reading/chatting about their day. That way you can all end the day feeling connected and your children will feel the benefit of your undivided focus. But with regards to “playing” don’t beat yourself up about it. You say you get time to do things as a family at the weekend - personally I’d say that’s enough.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 13/06/2019 06:13

Everyone has the same 24 hours in a day

Bollocks to that. Plenty of people have someone working part time /flexibly / shift work, have a partner who is home more, have funds to outsource or family support.

Op - do you have any money to outsource anything? If so, that can be helpful, whether it's help with the ironing once a fortnight or paying for school lunches, or just buying a ready-made pizza one night a week, cracking out board games and letting the jobs go!

Can you get the DC to help with the jobs? It might not be faster, but you'll be spending time together. My older 3 are aged 3-7 and all will help me a lot, whether it's folding cloths while I do laundry, spreading butter onto bread for a packed lunch etc. It's good for them to be involved too! We take turns to choose songs and dance around sometimes while I clean, so we may not be playing but we're all together.

And beyond that, I think you need to be kind to yourself, it's not easy and you're having to do a lot by yourself.

Laura221 · 13/06/2019 07:01

Meh. Is what it is. I refuse to feel guilty for things I cant change. My kids play together in the week when I'm getting things done. At the weekends obviously we play together but mon - fri I have to work and get general life stuff done so I'm sure my kids would rather have a home and food in cupboards then me play a game every afternoon. Dont feel bad, lots of familys are the same.

Grumpyyetgorgeous · 13/06/2019 07:22

I'd ditch the homework, all of it for the 4 year old and keep the 9 year old's to an hour at the weekend. Then use that time to play a quick game with them instead. Explain to school that you're valuing play and your relationships over homework..... it's not appropriate at this age and it pisses me off that so many schools send piles of it.

TheClitterati · 13/06/2019 07:31

I don't "play" with my DC - never have really and I don't feel at all bad about it. They are 8 & 11.

They are both excellent at imaginative play - they play with each other, with friends, on their own.

We have dinner together, we talk lots. Occasionally we will have games night and we do sometimes play Double on the train and I do sing and dance with them - more if I'm passing while they are singing/dancing . We might play together when we go swimming occasionally. Now they are getting older I would like to play cards together.

I'm single parent, work ft. DC do a couple of activities I facilitate. Our lives are full. I don't think they are missing out.

Pearlfish · 13/06/2019 07:33

I think if you are engaged with them at the weekend then that is ok.

Do you read a story to them every night? That's the thing I'd suggest prioritising above everything else.

LaurieMarlow · 13/06/2019 07:33

Quit ironing. Pointless waste of time.

Is there anything else you do around the house that you strictly speaking don’t need to? Or could do less frequently?

TheClitterati · 13/06/2019 07:37

I've always read to them but I don't consider that play.

I've just asked dc and they have said they would like me to play tag with them. It's never going to happen

Smiggleiscrap · 13/06/2019 07:37

I’m on my own with DC. The primary aged ones don’t do homework - unless there is something particularly interesting that they want to do.

The teenager does his own and I look at it quickly sometimes. They are all doing really well at school, despite my lax attitude to homework! (And ironing 😜)

Although, I still don’t “play” much as I don’t enjoy it. We do arts and crafts together, read what we want to (not the school books usually) or go out to interesting places.

I prefer to see myself as a “facilitator” of play. Meaning that I break up fights, sometimes give ideas, and give feedback (by watching the dance they made up, for example)

Playing together or alone is okay surely. Board games sometimes, through gritted teach though, as there is always one DC having a meltdown because they are losing/accusing someone else of cheating etc.

Original poster

ScatteredMama82 · 13/06/2019 09:39

Thanks everyone. To be clear, I'm not ironing every day and the 4 year old doesn't have homework. DS1 does spellings and he's also learning violin so we try and do a bit of that every day. I work 4 days a week, so on my day off DS2 is home with me and we usually go swimming which he loves, and maybe a stroll to the park later if it's not raining. Monday night DS1 does athletics and on a Thursday he has cubs so there's a lot of running around on those nights. I do make sure I have one-to-one time with each of them before bed. Once DS2 is in bed I do something with DS1 (sometimes it's just watching a program or a bit of a film he likes, or it might be helping him with his latest lego creation or crafty project he's working on). I don't read to DS1 anymore, but I do spend time reading to DS2 every night without fail.

OP posts:

Pinkmouse6 · 13/06/2019 09:41

Sounds pretty normal. Agreed with friday night games night and just make the weekends as fun as possible, it’s all you can do really.

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