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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Massively struggling

14 replies

Mumofboys124 · 12/06/2019 19:49

Hi all, looking for advice or experience with the following.
Me and my husband have been together 4 years, married for 1. We both have a child from previous relationships and one of our own (boy, 9months)
Girl is 6 (stepdaughter) and boy is 5 (son).
They met when my son was 2 so have known each other for about 3 -3.5 years.
To start with everyone got along great, hubs doesn’t have a great relationship with his ex but we had muddled through, she had a strong dislike for me from the off and made it very clear. I’ve never engaged in any bad words with her as honestly I don’t have the time.
Stepdaughter started school 1.5 years ago and since then has been a nightmare coming to our house, either refusing to come or crying the whole time she was there. We have cut down time to just weekends as the week night we had her was just hellish and more upsetting for everyone than it was enjoyable.
Her mum went away for a week when she had just started school and I was picking her up, well me and her grandparents, this is when the problems started. Hubs asked to discuss with his ex and was shut down with ‘well she is fine anywhere else so deal with it’ which is what we did for a long while, and whenever he brings it up we still get the same reply. More recently my stepdaughter has started blaming the reason she doesn’t want to come on my son (5), don’t get me wrong he is boisterous and very much a boy, but he isn’t nasty or malicious, nor would I let him be. This has filtered through the whole of their side of the family so now she only has to say she doesn’t want to come and that’s that.
I’m at my breaking point as I want to give up and protect my son but I understand this is my husbands first born and despite the issues we need to try.
The ex is still on the stance of ‘not my problem’ and unfortunately my husbands mum and dad have taken her side somewhat and support what she is doing. Which has resulted in our relationship with them totally breaking down meaning we have no support.
I need some guidance desperately before it ends us.

Thanks for reading

OP posts:

Beebeezed · 12/06/2019 19:58

Is there no way your husband could bring your son to his ex’s house to allow his daughter to get to know him in an environment familiar and safe to her? Sorry you’re going through this OP, can see you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place

pollypenguin01 · 12/06/2019 20:04

I think you need to try and develop the relationship between your SDD and DS.

‘husband could bring your son to his ex’s house to allow his daughter to get to know him in an environment familiar and safe to her?’

^^I think this is very good advice.

pollypenguin01 · 12/06/2019 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollypenguin01 · 12/06/2019 20:05

I think you need to try and develop the relationship between your SDD and DS.

‘husband could bring your son to his ex’s house to allow his daughter to get to know him in an environment familiar and safe to her?’

^^I think this is very good advice.

Original poster

Mumofboys124 · 12/06/2019 20:06

Thanks for the reply. The thought has crossed our mind but they only suggest he takes my son and we leave him there for an hour, my husband would have to leave, which feels to me more like they are trying to see if she’s telling the truth than trying to help and it makes me uncomfortable to think of leaving him there to be judged when he’s only little himself.

OP posts:

CastleGin · 12/06/2019 20:06

Oh Lordy, sounds blooming awful! Sounds like your DH needs to have strong words with his DD and his ex, find out what the problem she has is. Then you can work to resolve the problem (for example any chance your ex can have your son the days you have the step daughter so they aren't together?) or she needs a stern word that this is unacceptable and she just has to get over it...

CastleGin · 12/06/2019 20:08

Original poster

Mumofboys124 · 12/06/2019 20:09

We’ve tried the stern words and the time on her own here (many times in fact) but it always reverts back.
For me it seems she doesn’t like him, which in itself is fine, we don’t have to like everyone, but we need help to make her see that just because she doesn’t like him doesn’t mean he’ll go away.

OP posts:

CastleGin · 12/06/2019 20:48

I think if I was at breaking point I'd set up a permanent - step daughter comes Monday, DS goes to your ex on Monday. DS comes back on the day step daughter goes back to her mums.

Awkward as hell and not ideal but as a last resort. X

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/06/2019 08:10

Does she get to spend time on her own with her dad, can be take her out for the day etc? She's probably jealous that your DS gets to see her daddy all the time and now there's a baby in the mix too

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 14/06/2019 08:11

You correlate 18 months ago with her starting school but it's also when you got pregnant

Singlenotsingle · 14/06/2019 08:16

If she doesn't want to come, whatever the reason, what's the point forcing her? She's unhappy, DS isn't happy and you and DH are stressed. Just tell them DH will take her out when it's convenient for them both, and maybe try again in a years time?

swingofthings · 14/06/2019 08:24

Sorry to bring up but could it be that your son actually treating her badly but most of it you don't see? I remember a few tough kids at nursery that were not very nice to other kids and they were very good at doing the hitting, grabbing stuff from other's hands when staff had their back turned.

Not judging your boy, most boisterous kids grow out of it quickly, but you seem to be a bit quick at dismissing the idea that your boy could indeed be treating her unkindly.

Original poster

Mumofboys124 · 14/06/2019 11:01

I didn't get pregnant the same time as she started school and she didn't know we were having a baby until well into last year, we had already endured 6 months of this before that.

And I also haven't been quick at dismissing the idea that my son was being nasty at all, and it's been looked into. She isn't complaining that he hits her and denies that he does when she's asked, I know my son very well, he's been in nursery since a baby and is very nice to other kids.
She gets plenty of time on her own with her dad too, this is why it's all so frustrating. There doesn't seem to be a real reason other than her trying to get her own way.
We don't want to force her to come, we just want to see her

OP posts:

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