I have been all over the place with mat leave.
I never thought I was particularly the mothering kind. I never yearned for a baby or felt broody around other people's babies but there was something in me that just felt I'd regret it if I didn't have children of my own and although I'm not a baby person I love children and really come into my own once they can talk and run around.
So I wasn't particularly surprised when I found having a newborn hard. Breastfeeding was a disaster and when I eventually quit I carried the guilt for a bit, DD had bad reflux until about 12 weeks so the sleep deprivation was bad and if I'm honest I just found adapting to having a small person by my side 24/7 quite suffocating. DH works shifts so his working day often involves leaving at 6/7am and not being back until late at night - I find those days with DD quite long and lonely and often find myself looking at the clock. Conversely he has quite a lot of time off, particularly in the week, and I've loved the days the three of us going out and about and just generally getting to know each other.
It didn't help that my work treated me like crap when they found out I was pregnant and made my working week so miserable and stressful I ended up going on mat leave early at 32 weeks (DD arrived at 37 weeks). Eventually after a drawn out miserable process they finally made me redundant when DD was 5 months old. Having been a high performer previously the whole thing has felt really brutal and even though they paid me off it has still knocked my confidence.
Family-wise our mums haven't been as involved as we thought they would want to be so DH and I haven been on our own a lot. I've struggled to find a babysitter so it's been difficult for us to get any time off. Also, my mum has been very difficult since DD was born and quite aggressive towards me (I think she's jealous) so that's put a massive strain on our relationship and made me sad as I had visions of us spending time together with the baby, especially this summer.
On the upside I have now found a new job and a nice nursery for DD. I feel really good about the nursery - it's a real family feel and several of my neighbours have used them and been really pleased. The new work have been great and have suggested I do part time in July and August and then start full time in September when nursery has a full time place available. I'm excited about the new job and feel ready for a new challenge after 9 months at home with no distraction. DD settled in at nursery last week and seems to be happy there, she's always smiley when I pick her up.
Trouble is, today is her second full day and I am having a massive wobble. Yesterday I was fine but today I really miss her and am questioning whether I've done the right thing going back to work and now nervous that the job will be too much for me and I really am as crap as my old work made me feel.
It sounds silly but I feel like mat leave is almost over and I never really made a proper go of it - I didn't do NCT so struggled to make friends and didn't really enjoy the baby classes so never went with enough regularity to get to know people there. In my rational mind I know that staying at home with a baby was never going to be my thing and I'd have hated sitting around in coffee shops talking to other mums I've only just met about nappies and sleeping but there's a part of me that's still wondering whether I have missed an opportunity by being too shy to get out there. It's just me and DD tomorrow whilst my husband works and I've promised myself we'll go to a playgroup but I just hate the idea of having to talk to other mums. I don't know why - I'm quite confident with friends and work stuff usually, it's just motherhood I feel plagued with doubt and like everyone's judging me (FIL hasn't helped by openly judging me at every opportunity - he thought I should prioritise the baby and 'get a little part time job' which is playing on my mind).
I know I'm being unreasonable - I wanted to go back to work, I'm no good at being at home all the time and I'm getting my wish but I'm just feeling a bit lost. Am I a crazy person or do other people have these conflicts?!