Mil nice but annoying

[Queenupnorth]

This is not so much about my mil. She is nice enough(in small doses) We get on OK. Has her own problems to deal with. Has other children and gc. But me and dp have just had our first child and he keeps wanting to invite her to come along to everything. I suggest a holiday dp says 'we can bring my mum' I suggest we take little one to the beach he says, let's bring my mum etc. He says he doesn't want to leave her out. But she has had children and has other gc. This is my first and probably only child. AIBU that I don't want his mother to be part of all my first memory's.

Souns like a situation for compromise, invite her sometimes but not always. YANBU

Do you think she will steal your childs love?

Is compromising not an option?

Your memories aren't going to be lesser in any way because your MIL is there. It's not like you only get proportional shares of the memory, the more folk are around.
You'll still remember that sunny Saturday in June when your child had their first ice cream etc

But equally, it's not unreasonable to spend some time as a small family unit. DH just doesn't get to decide to invite her to everything.

Yabu as she wont be there to share all your happy memories, unless she lives with you.
It is not like she is inviting herself, I am sure the odd day trip wouldn't kill you.
Is she married? I wouldn't want to go on a holiday, but a trip to the beach.
MIL most likely be around when DS is an adult, it would be nice to have photographs of his GM.
We have a few photos of the DC with DPs GM, she is gone now, they're treasured photos.

That's not a MIL problem, that's a DH problem.

I would also find that annoying. It doesn't matter if someone is nice or not really doesn't mean you want them to come to every nice thing you do. Put it in perspective if you didn't have your little one and he was wanting to bring his mum on every outing it would essentially mean you had his mum on every date you had. Which is ridiculously weird and creepy. I don't see why that should completely change when a child is added. Sometimes is nice, even time would be a big fat NO for me. I'd explain it in a nicer way to your partner though so he understands that you'd like some trips where it's just the three of you.

That's not a MIL problem, that's a DH problem.

^
This

How is she being annoying? DP is the one inviting her. She's not doing anything wrong. Why is it always the MIL in the wrong!

My DH does this too! Always wanting to invite his mum and dad to everything we do! Then when I suggest if it can just be us as a family he then doesn't want to do whatever it is anymore 🙄 he even wanted to invite them on our family holiday this Christmas which has now changed as I'm pregnant now so we won't be going but it's so annoying of course I try to involve them in certain things but most of the time I just want it to be me him and DD. I'm sure if I wanted to invite my parents everywhere he would object immediately not like I would!

I agree with PP just a time for compromise. How about you agree (even loosely) how much time you'll spend with Mil then let DH plan time for you guys to do altogether. Then he should agree that there'll be plenty of time as well for you guys to spend as a little family.

I wouldn't worry too much about the "firsts. (e.g. first beach trip etc.) No one really remembers things like that just because it was the first time you did it. My special memories are all just random moments that happened (eg. us all hanging out in the kitchen while I did the washing up and DC1 just started doing massive smiles and giggles). I totally get that you want time just for you three though and I agree that's important.

Yeah I should have titled this dp being annoying about mil Nesssie I never blamed her. In fact I think if we invited her she wouldn't want to come most of the time. It's annoying how when we see her they (dp and mil) always end up bickering, constantly criticising each other (and other relatives) and trying to get me involved I don't want this on days out. I want to be able to talk about this with dp without sounding like I'm sagging his mom off. Obviously not doing a good job of that here

Slagging not sagging

Your memories aren't going to be lesser in any way because your MIL is there. It's not like you only get proportional shares of the memory, the more folk are around.

They are a bit lesser though. You have to engage socially instead of just staring at your beautiful baby. You have comments on what you’re feeding them etc, you have to consult with a third person on plans for the day, you have to hand your baby over, there are plenty of reasons why it’s not the same at all as going just your family and not in a good way. Depending on the mil there are pluses as well, but I wouldn’t be happy.

OP: let's have a holiday?
DP: 'we can bring my mum'
OP: I was just thinking the 3 of us.

OP: Shall we take little one to the beach?
DH: let's bring my mum
OP: Lets go on our own, maybe next time.

OP: Why don't you invite MIL to join us for such and such.

Does she go everywhere/do absolutely everything with her other DGC?

"In fact I think if we invited her she wouldn't want to come most of the time."

Perfect, @Queenupnorth - you say yes when your dh suggests it, he is happy that you've agreed, and invites his mum, who doesn't want to come, but appreciates being asked - the three of you get the day out you want and everyone is happy.

OP said she probably wouldn't want to anyway. Us MILs have our own lives to live too, without dgcs and families getting in on the act!

timeisnotaline I do get a lot of unsolicited advice and if I disagree she says well that's what I did with mine. Hes 38 a lot has changed.

I think it's a culture/family thing.
Some families are very nuclear and others are very extended. Did your husband always have relatives around as a child and were your family occasions just you, siblings and parents?
I don't think any is particularly the correct way, it's just what you were brought up with/used to.
Both sides need to compromise.
We have the same with me and DH.
DH's grandparents were heavily involved in his and his siblings upbringing. Mine weren't. He wants to ask his mum to everything and I like it just us. Fortunately, over the years we have managed to get a happy balance of the two scenarios.

My DH doesn't have this problem, but my MIL (and yes, MIL specifically, not FIL) does like her whole world to centre on HER family and friends, and would like ours to as well.

Case in point - FIL has a perfectly good relationship with his family, but all his life events are centred around her relatives - he barely sees his family, and has retained no friends from before he met her. DH warned me that she's like this.

She's mostly a very lovely woman, but this tendency is something that needs keeping in check, because she'd happily absorb DH and I as if my family and our friends didn't exist.

I keep her at arms length by inviting us around and them to us when we want, and refusing the invitations we don't want. It works really well because we see them quite regularly, reach out often, but also to our choosing, and never seem grudging of the time.