To expect support from partner

[spiralgloss]

I got bad news yesterday . Not bad in the sense of death or serious illness but bad enough that left me crushed with disappointment and sobbing all day . I rang my partner . We don't normally ring eachother , we use sm to contact eachother . He was surprised with the call but was kind and said the right things .
The news has hit hard and my feeling is that while he was kind and sympathetic for a while, he wanted to move on fast.

I don't see him much due to distance but I thought he might suggest spending more time together this week and weekend as I am truly gutted and would love the support.

I've told him this but no plans have changed for him and his weekend
.
Am I being too needy . I know that I am much more invested than he is but he has a big support network but I don't .

When I'm upset and disappointed what I really want is a weekend on my own to mope about and get over it on my own. Not other people to try to cheer me up.

Don’t bank on him spending less time on his hobbies. If he doesn’t want to see you more in the earlier stages of a relationship then I can’t see that suddenly changing.
Crushed and crying all day? Seems OTT. Time to build your resilience and own coping strategies.

Clearly from your replies you are ready to defend him rather than drop him as has been suggested. He seems to be pretty honest about his lifestyle and availability and doesn't seem ready to make many changes so you have no choice but to accept him as he is. You could try telling him you need more but there is risk attached to that strategy so if you go down that route you need to be prepared for the consequences. Have you other friends you can turn to for some moral support after this disappointment which is a set back but not life threatening afterall. Some long distances relationships do work and very well but it has to suit both parties and it doesn't sound as if it is suiting you very well to be honest. I don't think you will find the answer here that you are looking for. It might be time for a really good reality check to see where this is really going. Good luck.

It seems like you're just going to make excuses for him here, regardless of what anyone else says to you.

But, I will say this. Working long hours isn't an excuse to be a shitty partner. He has time for his friends and his hobbies, but doesn't seem to have any time for you.

He's supposed to want to spend time with you. He doesn't. Raise your standards.

I really am not defending him. I am giving a real timeline of f his life. Where would I fit in to that? I can not expect him to drop life long hobbies and friend or commute an other half hour to see me in the evenings. I visit him and we stay together once or twice a week . He wants to marry and have kids some day so I expect he will have no choice but to cut way back on hobbies and friends .
I am gutted about the job. I am limited in my
options but I am going to try to up train and up skill , I earn a small wage , barely enough to get by so this was a great disappointment .

I visit him and we stay together once or twice a week . He wants to marry and have kids some day so I expect he will have no choice but to cut way back on hobbies and friends

If a man told me he wanted to marry me one day, I'd damn well expect him to make an effort and come to see me after work occasionally. DH used to drive a 90 minute round trip to take me for dinner in the early days of our relationship!

Why are you happy to be the one doing all the work and making all the effort? You travel to him and back again. What does he do for you?

As I said, if someone wants to see you, they make the effort. He's more interested in his friends and hobbies. His actions say it all.

How old are you both op?

Im25. He is 34.

How bad were your previous relationships that this looks like a good, healthy relationship to you? Or is this your first?

Does he tell you you're too emotional?

Why don't you value yourself enough to want other people to value the space you occupy in their lives?

so I expect he will have no choice but to cut way back on hobbies and friends .

Why would he have to do that when he could leave it all to you to do all the legwork? If he can't be bothered to make space for you in his life now, why would he change that?

Have you not seen all the other women on here posting about shit partners who don't lift a finger after their child is born and continuing living their old life while the mother has to do all the house work, all the child care, and often also work full time?

They held onto the same false hopes you have that their partners would automatically "have to" change once children came along.

Where would I fit in to that? I can not expect him to drop life long hobbies and friend or commute an other half hour to see me in the evenings

Another half an hour is nothing if he really wanted to see you! My DH used to drive two hours there, two hours back every evening to take me out.

Look OP, I’ve been there. This is as good as it gets. It’s not going to get any better. I know you think you’re being understanding and patient, and you think he’ll respect you for it, but he won’t. He’ll regard you with a mixture of pity and contempt, because all he’s willing to give you are the crumbs, and you’re willing to settle for them.

It’s very sad that you feel this is all you deserve or can reasonably expect.

He's living in a flat share at 34??

Is he separated/divorced?

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and career. It doesn't sound as though he would be bringing much to the relationship.