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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be peeved at small contribution from in-laws

61 replies

sarahloumadam · 24/07/2007 09:47

Am going to sound like spoilt brat here but trust me, there is history! FIL called me at 7 in morning (he hasn't learnt this is sure-fure way of winding me up!) to announce they have written cheque towards expense of new baby. Am only 5 months so bit premature but grateful nevertheless. Then told me it was same as they have given to SIL (her eldest is 9 years old!)as they don't want to treat us differently and to ask for the cheque next time we see them! Is £50. Now £50 is £50 and I know we are lucky to have in-laws who contribute in anyway . Think am more peeved at manner in which it was done. Should I give myself a slap and get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
sarahloumadam · 24/07/2007 10:33

You're right Ronisanalien and think I knew that already by way I began the thread. Still I did ask! V.difficult to convey complex IL situations online. I'm really not ungrateful though, when neighbour gave me some knitted booties I wept buckets! I'm going to stop now because I sound demented .

OP posts:
moondog · 24/07/2007 10:33

In context of announcement about killing himself,can well understand your irritation.
Two options therefore

1.) Be deliberately grateful but lowkey so as to steal his thunder Thus 'Thank oyu,that's ery king...now do you know what time Asda closes tonight?'

or.....

2.) Be horrendously over the top in inverse correlation to sum Thus 'Oh my God, are you sure??? I'm overwhelmed,God that is so incredibly knid,I can't believe it.Pinch me,am I dreaming..£50!!!!' and so on.

ladygrinningsoul · 24/07/2007 10:40

I don't think you are peeved at the smallness of the gift (and I think you would be being unreasonable if you were, after all they don't have to give you anything). I think you are peeved because FIL called you at an unsociable time to make a big thing about giving you a relatively small amount of money and clearly expects you to make a big thing out of it as well. My late mother used to do much the same sort of manipulative stuff. She used to make a big thing about writing a smallish cheque for an xmas present for DH and for myself (both of us at that time had very well paid jobs) and I used to find it quite insulting, a bit like being given 50p and a pat on the head. I would far rather she had taken the time to choose a present we might like, even a book token, or indeed not bothered at all.

I just used to accept gracefully then vent in the car on the way home.

Original poster
sarahloumadam · 24/07/2007 11:12

Oliveoil you made me think about the good side of my ILs! All my family including my mum and dad live far away and won't be able to be as involved as they would like. My MIL and SIL (whom I am v.close to) are v.supportive. I have two gorgeous nieces and a GIL who has been like the grandad I never really had. My FIL is still a berk tho .

Moondog and ladygrinningsoul appreciate the support! Not the amount but the manner of giving. Poor FIL - he can't win.

OP posts:
DobbyDoesDallas · 24/07/2007 11:23

agree with those who have said it would have been nicer in a card after the baby is born

the making it into a greand gesture is irritating I agree

I also think if they are banging on about it be ing the same as the SIL then to give the same amount albeit 9 years has passed DOES seem a bit off.

lostsoxs · 24/07/2007 13:39

When our dd1 was born, inlaws sent us a cheque. We duly thanked them and banked it for our dd and told them we had put it into her account.
When we told inlaws we were expecting again - we were told within days "dont expect money for this or anymore children"

We are grateful for the money for dd1 BUT i am annoyed that subsequent children will not get the same. imo, treat them all the same or not at all.

Therefore i think your inlaws just want you to know that your child will be getting the same as other gc. Agree that the timing of the call could have been better though!

pipsqueeke · 24/07/2007 13:44

yes you are really- althou might be worht suggesting- if perhaps you're closer to your MIL they use the money to get you something when baby comes? ie the cot matress or soemthing.

does seem a bit od thou I must say to have to ask for it when you see them next - tbh i'd not ask and keep 'forgetting' lol.

with DS we were given £300 by my parents for a new pram and £150 from MIL which got a cot bed and changing station. no way we're expecting it again (didn't expect it first time tbh) it was given to us on the basis theat we'd get good quality stuff which would last for subsequnet children - which I can understand.

ladyhelen2 · 24/07/2007 13:57

I personally don't think you are being unreasonable - to have to ask for the cheque after he's phoned you at 7am to tell you he wants to give it to you? A bit odd. But this comes from someone who's FIL would do exactly the same thing and many more things beside (like not not giving a gift at all for my DS's birth, a board book for his first Christmas and not coming to his grandson's 2nd birthday celebration because he doesn't do parties...I could go on but its not my thread!) I have sympathy and don't think its anything to do with the size of the cheque at all!
However, smile and say thank you when you have to remind him to get his cheque book out!

mumfor1standfinaltime · 24/07/2007 14:05

I didn't get a penny from my FIL when ds was born or whilst pg. He doesn't give presents either. He didn't visit us until ds was 4 months old, I would have been happy with a visit.

Imo you are being unreasonable, it is the offer which you should be grateful for and not the amount of money.

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 24/07/2007 14:05

You are being a tad unreasonable and as for the 7.00 o clock thing, don't forget some older people do not sleep particularly well and 7.00 is not early for them. For instance my father (73)regularly gets up at 3.00 in the morning to complete the crossword. Not surprisingly he and mother frequently sleep in seperate rooms.

clutteredup · 24/07/2007 14:13

i guess you have to be grateful they want to give you the same, is there any reason why they should give you more than you sil? My pil bought some baby equipment when ds was born, when dd1 was born they gave us some money,less than the previous time, 'we didn't know what you needed but wanted to give you something' , stiil nice we bought an umbrella buggy with it as ds's had worn out, for dd2 we were given nothing, i guess they have decided we have had enough. I suppose the money was for us and not for the dc although to spend on the dc. thing is that they spent twice as much on ds at christmas than on dd1 and i'm just wondering if the pecking order will continue and they will treat each younger one less well....i've been grateful for their support but not if they don't treat my dc fairly

Ladymuck · 24/07/2007 14:20

Is there a possibilty that he was feeling awkward that it might be seen as a "small" gift, and so had wound himself up into giving you a full explanation as to why it was that amount?

rebelmum1 · 24/07/2007 14:25

After an agonising and difficult birth i had a bottle of champagne slapped on the table by my in laws- waking me from my slumber in hospital - nothing for the new arrival whatsoever. Needless to say I didn't feel like a glass...

think they probably aren't doing things in the way that you would like and being a bit pedantic about it but at least they want to make a contribution and have given it some thought.

Wags · 24/07/2007 14:27

Probably also they may have absolutely no idea of how much baby things can cost. I know my Mum almost fell over when I told her how much the buggy was going to cost. She had offered to pay for it, I insisted that money towards it was fine but she still ended up giving me the whole amount. They are well off and I do appreciate that I am spoilt . Quite sweet I think that it has to be the same for both of you, I am guessing he doesn't want to seem to have a favourite by maybe giving you more.

greenday · 24/07/2007 14:42

When my 1st DD was born, my parents and relatives gave us so much money (as presents) that DD has more money in her bank than I or DH.
My parents-in-law bought her a baby dress. That's all. No one is richer / poorer than the other.

The difference was stark. But I strove to be grateful as everyone is different, and money/value isn't the most important thing. It's not the presents that matter, but the thought behind it.

I would be annoyed though, if any party, should have made a big deal out of giving a present and expecting a big song and dance in return. Its the manner of giving that says a lot about the graciousness and sincerity of a person.

So I agree with most posters that its not the contribution but the manner in which the OP's FIL chose to give it.

Idreamofdaleks · 24/07/2007 14:50

I think they have been very nice to you and you seem to be looking for trouble instead of appreciating a generous and thoughtful gift.

£50 is a good contribution towards things you want to buy before the birth - I bought second hand for my baby so this would have paid for the cot.

Why not use this new baby as an excuse to get off to a new footing with your FIL?

Niecie · 24/07/2007 14:50

I am sure that you are not complaining about the amount of the money (that would be unreasonable) but I do think you have a right to fee miffed about the manner of its giving. The timing is all wrong, the time of day and the relatively early stage of the pregnancy. I think I would be feeling a bit manipulated into feeling grateful - why do you have to ask for the money, what is wrong with just giving it to you. It is like you are being asked to say thank you twice. I don't think I would ask for it - not to get back at him or anything but because if they really wanted to give you the money they would just get on and do it, no strings attached.

You say you have 'history' - has your fil done anything like this before? Do they really think that you are going to care how much your SIL got - do they think you are going to compare notes and complain? What does DH think about it all?

Families are funny things aren't they? It should be a simple thing to give a gift for a new grandchild and yet all the history gets in the way.

moondog · 24/07/2007 19:01

Ah Rebel,that's a bit mean. I think Champers in hospital sound ace I insisted on it with my dh how many people moan that families only think of babies and not the mother.

Poor in laws. They can't win.

indiasmum · 24/07/2007 19:20

YABU. i have inlaws that dont appear to give a flying toss about me and dh or their grandkids. they never call, never visit and we have never been offered money of any description either for the children when the were born or since and nothing offered towards our wedding either. its always my parents that pay for pairs of shoes, swimming lessons etc. it gets right on my tits but then i think that they (the kids)will actually have a relationship with my parents and they wont with inlaws. am a great believer in reaping what you sow.
so i cant see what you are moaning about. i would be pleased as punch were i in your shoes.

fannyannie · 24/07/2007 19:23

my grandparents on my mums side when both were still alive (my gran died nearly 4yrs ago). EVERY birthday and Christmas gave all the childreni n the family £5, and the adults £10........the amount never went up once. then my gran died and we each recieved a whopping £3000 each (each child, grandchild, and my DH seperate).....

I'd be happy as a larry

bellabelly · 24/07/2007 19:36

I think he sounds a bit mad to be making such a big deal out of 50 quid. Is he very hard-up? I'll sound horribly ungrateful but I think it's such a tiny amount that I would feel a bit miffed, to be honest. And that's without even factoring the ridiculous 7am phone call...

bellabelly · 24/07/2007 19:37

Sorry, I mean a tiny amount compared to the cost of setting up a nursery for your first child, buying all the buggy / clothes / etc ect

OrmIrian · 24/07/2007 19:39

Without knowing the history you mention, and disregarding the 7am call (as someone mentioned that isn't early for many elderly people - my parents think 8.30 is a lie in!) I don't see he's being so very terrible. Perhaps he's been worried about how much financial contribution he can/will be expected to make, and after thinking it through wanted to get it settled. Perhaps £50 is a lot to him. And maybe he's feeling uncomfortable that he can't give more.

Idreamofdaleks · 24/07/2007 19:56

I had £50 from my parents and £50 from dps towards a cot etc and was grateful for these gifts. Both families are comfortably off and it was a first grandchild for each.

I spent about £250 on baby gear, mainly second hand, and was very pleased with it all - I could have done it much more cheaply if I had needed to.

I really am shocked that some people seem to expect so much in the way of a financial contribution from grandparents. WHY???

Emotional and practical support is worth much more than money IMO and there is no need to spend a lot on equipment eg £700 Gecko prams that will be used for 6 months!

I also expect that they will buy a further gift for the child when he/she is born.

Judy1234 · 24/07/2007 20:16

For the first baby we bought most of the stuff second hand and I wouldn't have expected anything from grandparents. Here they are giving money so they should be thanked. Also older people don't always appreciate how much things have gone up anyway.