..to feel trapped in my life

[Anon4775312]

I have a well(ish) paid job. I'm lucky I guess.

I also have a wonderful husband that I adore and two incredible (obviously I am bias!!) Children.

But I am exhausted. My job requires me to work evenings at home. So I get up with kids at 6, take then to school, go to work, pick up kids from school, do the evening routine. DH comes home about 7:30 from his job, we put kids to bed, then I work on my computer til 11 or 12, go to bed, then do the same the next day.

My job is in an emotionally draining field and I don't like it anymore.

I am exhausted and just want to spend time with my children and feel less stressed.

DH doesn't want to move or do anything radical (I'd like to sod it all and move to the country and get a b & b, or emmigrate to New Zealand, or do something different)

We can't afford to live in our (small 3 bed terrace) house if I don't keep on this treadmill of work.

I can't find another job that pays as well.

How do I change my life? Or do I just keep on the treadmill until I collapse .... ?

I’m going to guess you’re a teacher?

Your husband says what he doesn't want but surely he can see this is very hard on you. What would he suggest?

To give a helpful answer though: economise elsewhere in life wherever possible, and go part time while you consider other careers. Can you downsize? Would a 2-bed terrace be so bad? Just for a few years? Lots of children enjoy sharing a room.
Your wellbeing needs to be put first x

Hollow - I don't know!! He's knackered too! He thinks the children are settled. We live in a place which we both think is great for kids to grow up in. I see his perspective. But maybe we need to discuss it again as I honestly don't think I can keep going ...

So, you do both the before and after school stuff with the kids? As well as drop offs and pickups? And work full-time in a demanding job?

Yeah, no wonder your dh doesn't want anything to change.

The only way I can do a demanding job is is everything at home is truly shared, including the thinking/organising.

So how many hours are you working per day? Do you get weekends off? Is it split shifts? When you are working in the evening, are you speaking to people, or working alone?

Firstly I think you need to move so that you have more freedom in your job. How old are the children? Are you in London?

Does your DH also have so little downtime ?

If not, he must share the childcare, admin & housework so that you have equal time to chill or sleep

e.g. He could get up with the kids at 6am, get them ready
and put them to bed etc while you do some of your work

I understand feeling trapped.
However you are lining up for a breakdown at which point you will have zero choice about making radical changes to you life.

Have a big brain storm with DH about some different ways to live.

Thanks Snog

Why do you work such long hours? No job should require you to work all day and then til 11-12 every night, and I say that as a teacher who often works evenings when I really have to, but not every single night til midnight! There is something wrong somewhere if you have to work those hours. Can you talk to your boss?

Working long hours just to live in your particular house sounds miserable

It’s a bit unreasonable to disrupt your family because you are seeking adventure & travel. I understand the urge, however you can’t just decide to move across the world or open up a b&b without being on a team about the concept with your partner. He sounds happy & settled.

Maybe a change in job or hobbies will help feed the adventure bug inside you?

I agree with PPs that this kind of unrest does lead to nervous breakdowns later in life, when you feel like you missed out on your goals & dreams because you were stuck in this life you created but no longer enjoy.

Enjoy your family & create the world you want where you lol are now or look to separate.

What will New Zealand or an air b&b give you emotionally ? What is it you really want from these dreams !

Yep, you're going to collapse sooner or later.

The key thing that jumps out at me is that you don't want to do it anymore. So you need to make a change.

If you are a teacher there are jobs for you out there that pay at a not-dissimilar rate. Look at local government: especially children's social services, SEND and education. Civil service jobs can be a good starting point too. No, you probably won't match UPS pay, but probably a main scale post, especially after a couple of years.

You need to work out an alternative, why are the kids up so early for instance? Can dh do the morning routine and you head to work early so you don't have to work in the evenings? Can you move - there's life away from London assuming that's why it's so expensive (you can buy a house on a single wage up here)

Sounds like things do need to change OP. Think about how you can carve time out to get work done during the day rather than at night. 6am sounds like a bloody early start for the children: I’d be keeping them in bed until 7am at least while I crack on with work and drinking
That’s just an example but you might want to think creatively about how to work in the day to avoid a breakdown.

Both my OH and I at different times jumped off the treadmill, favouring quality of family life over money. Never regretted either decision.

Am I missing why everyone s assuming OP is a teacher?Also what time does your dh go to work? Something HAS to change OP. I'd never witnessed a breakdown before my brother rang me in the middle of the night talking about leaving his job, giving me pros and cons over again and nearly crying. He'd been in with heart problems without telling us and his wife said he was talking about work in his sleep. He was on great money close to home but was on call full time and working 60 plus hours a week. I was thinking are you daft, you've had a heart attack what's more important than your kids having a dad? But he couldn't think logically that night, was scary, turns out that was his and his wife's life for weeks before that. The biggest thing is your night time ( If eg your dh leaves for work at 6 and can't help in the morning). You need one or two nights of sleep from ten, and definitely a night where you enjoy being alive!! Even if that's just vegging. OP

I’m in a similar situation - get up at 5 every morning, kids, work, kids, housework, work, sleep. Oldest has needs that state schools can’t accommodate, so while our mortgage isn’t bad, school fees aren’t great....