Not to include SIL as bridesmaid

[Zared]

Inspired by another thread where a bride's BIL's wife has offered to step in as bridesmaid when the bride's soon to be SIL will be unable to...

I have only ever been a bridesmaid at my brother's wedding, for my now SIL.

I am getting married next month. I've got 3 bridesmaids - all friends, as I have no sisters. I didn't include SIL. Wibu?

Similarly to the other thread where people are commenting that the bride agreed to be her BIL's wife's bridesmaid, but didn't offer in return, is this something I should have done?

Is she likely to be upset that she asked me to include me along with her sisters (maybe as I've only got brothers), but didn't extend the same courtesy?!

I think it would have been nice to ask her, but it was ultimately up to you who you picked

Yes I think she is probably upset but is being polite about it.

Are your brothers groomsmen?

Either way, it would have been the diplomatic thing to do; if your brothers are groomsmen, I would think it badly done not to have her as a bridesmaid.

It's up to you. I wouldn't be offended.

It is your wedding and your choice, but I also think it would have been nice to ask her.

I'm probably against the grain here, but a bride can ask whoever she wants. You shouldn't have to "return the favour" just to be polite. Some people get way too het up about weddings.

I was bridesmaid for my brothers wedding, and she had her sister. Everyone I know has the females from both sides of the family. I would have been so upset if she didn’t pick me (I was 16 at the time).

My brothers will be groomsmen for my husband to be. He has no sisters for me to ask as bridesmaids.

In their wedding, she asked her sisters plus me (as groom's sister) and he asked his brothers, plus bride's brother. All were included, as if whether male or female you were there for your own sibling, perhaps.

Yeah I think that pretty shitty of you tbh.

I asked my SIL to do a reading at our wedding, that way she was included but not a bridesmaid, as we're not close but I wanted her to feel involved.

I had both my sisters and two best friends.

One sister had me and other sister. One sister had neither.

One best friend was meant to have me but changed wedding plans and downscaled. One has made it clear she's only having her sister as she's been Bridesmaid lots of times and didn't want to end up with tons.

I'm OK with all of their choices and reasons.

It isn't a mutual exchange

Bit shit that you’re including your brothers but not your husbands sister 🤷‍♀️

I'd hate to be a bridesmaid so it wouldn't bother me but she may well be miffed. Asking her to do a reading is a nice suggestion.

I may be confused: is she your fiancé's sister or your brother's wife?

I think it depends on how close you are. My SIL is batshit and has been married three times since DH and I married, so not being bridesmaid for her is a blessing unlike any other. If you're very close then it could sting for her.

its not her husbands sister, its her brothers wife.

@Hwory

Bit shit that you’re including your brothers but not your husbands sister 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, maybe I've confused matters, but it's not my SIL as in husband to be's sister (he hasn't got one).

It's my brother's wife. She included me as her husband to be's sister. I wondered if she should have a role in my wedding now we're SILs and I was in hers.

I read it as your fiancé's sister, in which case it's bad.

But if it's your brother's wife, it is far more understandable. Again, it would probably have been politic, but it's not abominable.

I echo the PP's idea of asking her to do something on the wedding day that will make her feel included, if only for familial harmony.

I think its fine not to give her a job at all, i doubt she would've expected to be involved since you we're asked as the grooms sister, why would you ask your brorhers wife unless really close, which it doesn't sound like you are.

I had my sister in law as a bridesmaid but I wouldn't expect her to ask me, to be honest I would be a bit shocked if she did. Similarly my brother in law just got engaged and me sis-in law and sis-in-law to be went out for dinner and we were asking who she was going to have as bridesmaids and she said her friends which both of us expected, I don't expect to have any part in the wedding when it happens and I don't think my sis in law is expecting to be asked either. I think it's nice to include blood relations if you can but married in ones not so much.

Thanks for clarifying @Nancy. She obviously agreed with you and thought I shouldn't be the only sibling missing out in their wedding.

I don't know that all partners of all family members need to be chosen? My other brother's girlfriend wouldn't really be a consideration as I barely know her (tbh, she barely knows her yet...)

Just that as I was in her wedding, perhaps she really should have been in mine. A reading might be good, if I can stop it looking like an afterthought (which it hugely is!)

I think it’s fine. My sil in law was my bridesmaid as she’s my husbands sister and I wanted to include her in the wedding party but I wouldn’t expect to be her bridesmaid. I wouldn’t have asked her if she wasn’t my husbands sister.

It's the sort of thing that will depend hugely on the person. If she's the kind of person who takes these things Very Seriously, then I would pull her aside and say, "June, I've been thinking longer and hard about who I want to speak for us at our wedding, and I'd be honored if you would do it." If she's more laid-back, then just leave it and be warm on the day. I'd hope she were the latter, but if the former it would make it easy in the long run.

I don't think all weddings have to be reciprocal; in fact, they really can't be, mathematically.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it.

I had this dilemma

I was married last week and my DB (teenager) was a groomsman for my DH but I did not ask SIL to be a bridesmaid because....
A) I didn’t really want bridesmaids in the first place, never mind several of them.
B) SIL is years older than me and married, I wasn’t on the scene when she got married so wasn’t involved.
C) She’s lovely but we don’t see much of her so I don’t feel close.
D) I asked my DH and he didn’t want me to ask her. (I was happy to but he said as she was older and married it wasn’t traditional)

I kinda hope she didn’t mine. She sat on the top table and looked fabulous in a dress of her own choosing x

I wasnt that close to mine at the time but if I could go back in time I would have chosen her 100 times. Not even friends with the girls who were mine now and obviously my SIL is a big part of my life. She actually ended up organising me a small extra hen do as I was quite upset that mine had been organised at my home town where the wedding was to be and some of my closest friends couldn't afford to travel twice in the one month.
Our kids are similar ages and I speak to her most days.