Teen survival stories?

[Marilynmansonsthermos]

Hi all, just looking for some positivity/ light at the end of the tunnel really. To put it frankly we are going through hell at the moment with my 12, nearly 13 year old DD. She's from a "normal" ish(!!) loving family, but since she started her periods at the start of the year she has been smoking, vaping, shoplifting, and has found to be watching awful awful things on the internet. She has fallen in with a crowd at school that no parent would want their child to be with. Her dad, grandma aunties me, are absolutely gutted. We've talked with her til we are blue in the face, tried every kind of sanction..anyway! The reason was for my post is, if you had a difficult teen when did it get better? I'm so scared that life will always be this way. I also find myself looking at my youngest and wondering if he will go the same way. I'm getting very depressed and would love to hear if anyone's child has turned around and come through the teen years on the other side. Thanks so much..

That's quite a lot at 12- just a child really. Not sure what to say except how is she getting access to those things?

I also don;t know how there's time for all that- I have a 14 year old boy and they have stuff after school such as clubs etc and then after that homework...there isn;t much time for hanging around and getting up to mischief, maybe that is a good thing. They also go to a single sex school which is pretty strict and can;t imagine the other parents tolerating such stuff to be honest.

Yes, what are you doing to rein her in? She’s pushing boundaries so she needs to find them.
My 17 year old was a nightmare at that age. Still has his moments but has come on loads since he left school,

We were naive letting her stay in her room for hours, we have all the parental controls but she was watching nasty films on net flix on her phone. The smoking and vaping happened at this particular girls house we were letting her stay over at her house regularly thinking that this girl was ok. We found out from seeing her diary what they'd been up to. My dd is good as gold at school I genuinely think she has been influenced by this girl. She is very shy and passive .

It was also with this particular girl that she was shoplifting with. They were stealing things from Primark to give to this girls older cousins age 15 who live next door. I know I must seem like the most stupid idiotic mum on the planet to let all this happen

Peers seem to make such a difference don't they. I guess we are lucky in mine just does things like the cadets and stuff...maybe depends what the parents are like also

and yes just letting them do what they like on room for hours online maybe well, not the best - but there we go it is done now

What have you done about the criminal stuff like the shoplifting, grounded her etc?

Most of the trouble seems to be coming from her new friend. Therefore, you should try to rein that friendship in. Talk to their class tutor about their relationship and behaviour in class. You could ask for a tutor group change? You could put limits on the friendship e.g. the girl only comes to your house for visits (No sleepovers, no shopping trips etc). Agree with others you need to set boundaries no matter how unpopular it makes you with your DD.

We have grounded her, put a strict app on her phone , banned her from this girls house. Phoned school and told pastoral care. Maybe I should have made her go to the shop and apologize

I’m not coming to criticise you but your child has too much freedom and I think unfortunately you need to restrict that agree with suggestions above from PP

There is one thing allowing them freedom to grow and them using it wisely, my teens have had to earn my trust in that respect

Is there anything else going on at home?
I was like this when I was a child and I was very unhappy. I had way Too much freedom and abused it wildly hence why mine have structured freedom leading to mutual trust!

When I was concerned about DD’s friends all sleepovers had to take place at my house only

Yes good idea about the tutor group change. Thank you everyone. I just don't know why she wants to do these things, that's what hurts the most

If you google peer pressure and teens you will find some helpful stuff there as well. She may feel she needs to fit in etc. Also maybe if she might try some other things and meet others, such as after school clubs could be a way of meeting new friends

I didn't know Netflix did 'nasty' films!

I'm so sorry you're going through this with your girl. I don't have a girl and my son was lovely but I knew plenty of girls who behaved OTT and sometimes quite badly from 13-15. Drinking, smoking, staying out at night etc. All I can say is they all outgrew it and are now sensible, professional women. So it will pass.

Looking back, I was no angel myself.

If it helps OP I was a massive bitch to my parents from about 11-17. It properly stopped once I moved out to go to uni and now I absolutely adore both my parents.

My eldest was a really good girl til she hit 13
God we went through hell-she played hooky from school,shoplifted,lied,smoked,drank etc
She hit 16 and turned into a model teen
Part of our problem was the school other was just growing up

It does get better I promise

Thank you I wasn't the best teen myself so this is my karma maybe.. yes I think it helps when they leave secondary, that's when I got better!

I was the difficult teen (I'm 36 now). We moved house but not schools when I was 12, and within a year I was hanging around street corners and parks with the wrong crowd, smoking, drinking, smoking drugs. My mum was and is the best mum, and I wish I could say what made me do those things. She was firm but fair (but scary when she found out what I'd been up to!) I was so polite, a lovely wee thing that was easily led, and just wanted to be "one of the gang". I was constantly grounded, acted sorry and contrite, and as soon as I was allowed out I'd be doing it all over again! I didn't grow out of it until I was 17, after a friend died suddenly from an underlying heart condition. My only advice I can give is they usually do grow out of it, and you'll probably go through hell in the meantime (my mum did bless her) but she still kept telling me she loved me and she'd always be there for me and now we have an amazing relationship- she's my best friend. Good luck x ps I'm now going through similar with my 16 year old son, but he's only drinking atm!

Thanks for sharing that it means so much to hear that people came through the other side, honestly I can't tell you.