To ask you all to talk some sense in to me?

[TalkToMeAboutCrumbs]

I know I’m BU and a little bit ridiculous.

Be nice please

I’m interviewing for a new job tomorrow and I’ve just found out my cousin is also going for the same job.

I’ve had no contact with my cousin for some years as I find her hard to deal with - it’s a bit like a “frenemy” situation .

She is rather loud . I’m an introvert .
She is also very materialistic and she judges me on being the poorer relation .

Everything I have done , she has done it first . And much better .

EVERYTHING is a competition with her .

But it’s all done under the guise of being “nice “. We’ve had fall outs in the past but I haven’t seen her for years other than the odd Facebook message asking how I am — read as I want to know how my life is so much better than yours—

Part of the problem is my self esteem is none existent and I have put her on this pedestal so I always feel like shit.

Worse still , I used to be very slim and she used to always comment on it.

I’ve gained 4 stone over the years due to ongoing illness . I’m working hard to lose it but I’ve gone from a size 10 to a size 16 and I’ve avoided her because of this .

I never go to family events and I avoid places she goes in case she sees me - even to the point I will drive miles out the way to a different supermarket . We live in the same town so this causes some real problems .

I’m getting a bit fed up of living like this .

The anxiety of bumping into her dictates where I go - it’s all down to my weight.

I am seriously considering cancelling my interview . The thought of her seeing me in the waiting room is making me sick with anxiety .

I know she won’t comment on my weight when she sees me but I KNOW she will go back and tell family and have a laugh at how fat I’ve become .

I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel if she gets the job and I don’t .

This is my dream job and I could cry with the “unfairness” of it all . She has a good job she loves (I know how petty and silly that sounds !) .

How do I accept that I’m more than my weight and just see her as any other person rather than some kind of almighty wonderful ruler ?

This is really knocking me albeit I know how silly it sounds !

Do many job interviews have all the candidates in a waiting room now? Usually they stagger the interviews throughout the day so no one is left sitting around. Its unlikely you are going to see her.

Even if you do see her, you are just as entitled to go for an interview as her. Her life is not perfect. She is hiding insecurities too. If shes at a job interview then she is likely to be nervous too. And clearly she is not happy with her job if shes going for this interview.

I think this is a bigger problem than just one interview, driving miles to a different supermarket on the off chance you are both there at the same time? That's no way to live a life.
Go to the interview. Then go to your local supermarket!

You definitely have a bigger problem to address, but thats not going to be sorted before the Interview.
So, get there really early. Park you car somewhere you can see here enter and leave (with any luck in tears)
Give it 5 minutes then go in, get the job, and paste it on fb for all the world (her) to see.
That would give you the self esteem boost to see that, despite what the song says, no one is perfect, not even cousins

You are both right . I’m going to go to the interview.

My anxiety is sky high and I’m so nervous about seeing her .

I’m so worn out over the constant worrying I might bump in to her . The avoiding is a tactical nightmare .

I’m going to brave it out and ask if she would like to meet for a coffee afterwards .

I can’t live with the constant way I’m living my life thinking it will get better when I lose some pounds (but that isn’t happening quickly !) .

At least when it’s done , she can see the new me and I can move on .

I feel sick with nerves

You may be very different people but there’s a LOT of projecting going on in your post. She very possibly does not go home and laugh about you or notice much about your life.

Your general insecurity seems to be tied up with your cousin in your mind which isn’t healthy. Go, smile and as you suggest, mention having a coffee. If you do get stuck in a waiting room say very calmly and pleasantly that you are going to use those few minutes to consult your notes.

Good luck.

At least you have warning she will be there so it won't be a surprise tomorrow. Plaster a smile on your face, invite her for a coffee after (if you want to!) and wish her luck. You can do this, remember your ultimate goal is the job, do not let her get to you. Sending luck and positive vibes!

you sound like you just need more self confidence - she likely has other to go home & talk about tbh

the fear of something is very often worse than the actual event, it may actually tun out nice to bump into her - what if she's also gained 4 stone?

Go & get that job, you might not even see her, she might ultimately not even want it... You know why you have put on weight, you are trying to address it. Ignore her & her poisoned tongue.
Blow her out of the water
She is just "another person"

Can you make an extra special effort with hair, makeup and clothes for the interview - can you perhaps get a blow dry beforehand, even get something new to wear (a cheapo top, pair of earrings)?

Give yourself a dual purpose confidence boost - you'll be more confident in the interview, and more confident meeting her.

Ah I sympathise. Sounds silly when I write it down but I have some old friends who I met about 10 years ago doing a post natal physical activity, we all got quite into it and I lost weight and was slimmer then. They went on to keep doing the activity at a higher level and are quite into fitness and controlling their weight is important to them, we all moved to different areas and were meeting up every 6 months - a year. I have put on lots of weight and have avoided instigating meeting up with them because I’m ashamed of it and know they will notice/think how much nicer I looked before. Sad isn’t it!

So she’s fake? And other people will see/know it.

So pick out an item of clothing that makes you feel powerful. Something red always works for me. Get up, get dressed, turn up. ‘Never let anyone dull your sparkle’! Just be breezy. Good luck!

The more you avoid her, the more your anxiety will grow.
Think of graduated exposure for spider phobia.
Really, I'd recommend that you DO meet her at some point!
You are jumping to conclusions (a classic thinking error) and mindreading (another thinking error) over what she is doing/thinking etc.
We all make thinking errors - just try to recognise that is what you are doing, and don't believe what you have just told yourself 100%.
Good luck for the interview - focus on getting ready for that, chances are you will not see your relative at all.

to all the kind responses .

I expected a flaming for being so silly

Those who gave sifted through the application forms have decided you are both worthy of going through to the interview stage and you are both suitable candidates, so don't think she is any better than you in any way.

Interviews these days are generally arranged at different times so is unlikely you will bump into her there.

Good luck !

I wouldn't go for a coffee with her afterwards. I'd be prepared with a story about where I had to be. She will try to make you feel you said all the wrong things - why would you put yourself through that?

If you look friendly and well groomed you will be absolutely fine. They might realise you're shy but for all you know they've had enough of loud mouths.

Go and do your best. Good luck!

You've got as much right to this job as she has. Presumably you aren't the only 2 applicants. Tell yourself that you are the best person to get the job and go and make them give it to you. Try not to let her get to you. Who gives a stuff what someone as awful as her thinks.

You need to create an inner persona to channel if you are unlucky enough to bump into her.

If she does comment on your weight then have something to quip back at her. "Yes, I'm so much happier being curvy, it's so liberating not to be constantly dieting" or whatever works best for you.
Head held high and don't let her know she still gets to you - fake it 'til you make it.

Good luck with the interview.

You've got through the hardest part and that's the initial application. Whenever I advertise a position I get between 100-200 people applying and pit of those I interview 6 at the most. The reason why I interview 6 is because that's a good number to fit into a day with enough time between them to avoid the awkward overlap.

I would also second wearing something you feel good in, paying attention to hair and make up and, if you aren't feeling confident, blag it. Go in head held high and smile. You earned your place in that interview and you stand as much chance of getting it as she does.

Good luck!

She is not an important part of your life.

Focus on presenting yourself well, including your enthusiasm for the position.
Good luck with your interview!

I didn’t get the job

It’s a three stage interview and all the interviewees who get through to the next stage are gathered together for group work this afternoon.

My cousin has updated Facebook to say she’s made it to “round two “.

I’ve congratulated her but I’m fucking devastated

It’s done nothing for my self esteem .

My whole life has just been one huge negative spiral and I’m so so worn out of feeling inadequate and second rate .

My mum called to ask how the interview went and announced cousin and her mum (my aunt) are coming to a family gathering next week

This is all I need ! I have stomach pains due to the silly pent up anger towards my cousin and how she’s treated me before .

I’m going to head home on the train and wallow in and I’ll pick myself up tomorrow

I'm sorry you didn't get the job but well done on swallowing your fear and going for the interview!

I also think the family gathering would be a good opportunity to speak to your cousin and then move on. She can only make it a competition if you let her.

Your weight is what it is. And really that is nothing to do with her. Who cares what she thinks. Try not to let her infect your life.

Sorry you won’t be getting the job.

Have a standard mumsnet reply...Did you really mean to be so rude... Ready as a reply.
Or we are adults now, but you still seem to be very childish...
About your weight . No my weight is fine thanks... Not sure why you seem to be so odsessed with my life?.