Bored or friendly

[laterunner]

Trying to figure out if a close friend is being within normal boundaries when he texts me every evening on and off over a period a couple of hours . Texting has ramped up lately and have thought sometimes that he is acting more than a friend?
Both in partnerships

Anyone? I need to know what's acceptable in a relationship please? I will have to set boundaries if not normal. He is my only male friend but the conversations are innocent

If you're asking, it's probably best to cool it off. Nightly texting about nothing is not something you need to answer. If you keep responding he may think you like him too. Spend the time chatting to your OH instead!

@Plipplopbop thank you for replying. I have a knot ion my stomach about this. I've read much about crossing boundaries and what's acceptable and what isn't so I got nervous about the level of texts. I told myself that he was bored or lonely and he was being friendly but as time goes on, I find him asking personal questions about lye or my whereabouts or future plans which I though was him trying to get to know me better but in a friendly way, not an inappropriate way but lately , he has text me when he is out at a club at one or two am asking how my night is going. Can you see why I'm baffled ??

This is how emotional affairs start. Shirley Glass Not just Friends is a good book covering the 'new' mobile phone affair affect. My DH had a very close female friend who become very needy and also started to make him worry everything the phone went ping. The books an interesting read anyway but it helped him feel ok with putting clear boundaries and stopped him second guessing.

Ultimately if I friendship is giving you a knot regardless of intent I think it's perfectly reasonable to back off a bit. Friends are ment to be enjoyed!

(excuse typos, small phone, fat fingers!)

Thanks once more @Plipplopbop . In my case it is him who always begins the texting. A video or an observation or some such correspondence . I may or may not get back that evening. He will usually text until i reply . I sometime reply with an emoji to shut down the conversation. He does not take the hint. He has begun to remark on me as a woman in a physical way. I find it unsettling. I've told him so. It's never sexual but in my friendships with people, we don't talk like this to eachother .
He gets a little moody or off with me when o don't play ball but then gets moody or off with me when he brings his partner into conversation and I ignore the text. I am confused I guess. I have no idea what's occurring

I have to agree with Plipplop here - if you feel weird about it then it's probably crossing a boundary for you.

And definitely ignore the drunken "how's your night going" texts at 1am. He wants to meet up. Danger zone. Don't respond to to it at all. Hopefully he'll get the message.

Just seen your last update here - you need to ditch this guy. He's angling for an affair and you being friendly will be misconstrued as you leading him on. It's bullshit, I know, but that's how he will twist it in his own head. Just go cool on him and be very clear that you are not interested.

Thanks@PregnantSea .we live very far away from eachother so he's not looking for a hook up. When he is out for drinks with his friends, he will text at anytime during the night so I turn my phone off now. He will never text when with his partner, they don't live together , but he will always try to contact me when out with friends socially or when he is alone. I believed up to recently that this was just how he was as a friend but I'm not comfortable anymore . My artner thinks he is bored and lonely

It's good that you're openly communicating with your partner about this. Sounds like this guy hasn't managed to cause any trouble between you which is good.

I wonder how open he is with his partner about the messages he sends you...

It might be good to phase him out a bit. You don't have to completely cut him out if you still want to be mates, but if you cool it right down and continue to not be very responsive to all of these messages then he may back off a bit and realise he's not going to get anywhere.

What's he said about you being a woman "in a physical way?" Has he made comments about your attractiveness, boobs, that sort of thing? I have quite a few male friends and they don't say stuff like that to me. Men who genuinely want to be friends don't say things like that. It's just plain flirting and it's not something a genuine friend would do.

Actually yes he has passed a remark about my boobs with the tag line of, ' not being a weirdo but your boobs have got smaller' I had lost weight and started back in the gym , followed by other things. He passes it off as anobservation .Yet he will try to initiate conversation about his relationship in the blink of an eye, like his observations are totally normal. If any of my girlfriends said this, I would not take any notice of the comments but even though he is my friend, they seem creepy . Maybe I am over thinking it

He wants to build up to sexting and photo sharing. Phone off and no secrets and he'll get the message.

Thankfully he has never done either and I hope he won't stoop to that level with me as I would cut him off straight away . He does send loads of photos of himself but doing normal stuff and asks me to send photos of me doing normal stuff too. For example if I was on holidays or at a concert . He never asked me for anything other than that

Commenting on your boobs is definitely way over the line. I'd stop replying to his messages since it sounds like it's too much for you anyway.

The way he passes remarks are very innocent or at lest that's how it feels . It is like he is making an observation as one would on any body part. He will the go on to have a full discussion about his girlfriend and their plans . I feel like I'm going crazy. Part of me thinks he is being a sleaze , the other half tells me he is a close friend .
I take your points though. I see how these comments come across

I’m not sure I’ve ever been asked for a photo by even my very best friends. Why does he need to see pictures of you doing normal things?

Why does he need pictures of you? I've only ever asked for pics of friends if they've got new clothes/a pet/shoes etc, so I can see them.
The remarks about your chest are tests to see how firm your boundaries are - if you allow that, then maybe you'll allow a comment about your bum, then your legs, then... Well you get the gist.
Him being 'off' if you don't play ball is a bad sign too - if a friend doesn't reply to a text straight away/the same day, I don't mind, and I'm certainly not huffy with them. I'd shut this down OP, and keep the lines of communication open with your DP.

Thanks for your replies . He would pass a comment as if

Sorry. As if I t was completely normal thing to say . Not t one bit sleazy. It's just the inntensity of contact that I don't like .
His girlfriend has lots of problems and he asks me fl r advice which I give as needed and appro

Sorry my pc is acting up.8Again I advise him as appropriate . He doesn' see anything wrong with it. I do find his coffee moments and contact over the top

Comments over the top

A good simple test would be to seriously imagine your DP receiving is the same texts from a woman. Same times, same contents.

What's your gut reaction to that thought?

Personally i think your instincts have kicked in and you're right - it's waaaaay past casual friendliness.

You sound very naive OP, why on earth are you continuing to exchange texts with this ‘friend’. His language & talking about your body is totally inappropriate, can you really not see that ?

This amount of texting would be annoying even if it was from a female friend.

Yes it is way past normal. If you knew him you would say he is like a brother. I cannot imagine why on earth he would say these things only to say that he is such a lovely person and not in any way sleazy . I can see all viewpoints . He is with a girl a long time. It's not serious as in committed and future plans made but they are together and he worries about her . I advise him. Probably like a mother . That is why this does not make sense . Why now after years of friendship . I am not an attention seeker looking for validation. I am a normal person who has many friends. He is one of them . It is the weirdest feeling . If he was not in a relationship I would swear down that he was gay .