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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what's Instagram normal in relationships?

82 replies

Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 15:26

Just broken up with DP of 10 years over a secret Instagram account.
Long and short of it....
His argument he had to keep it a secret because of my jealousy and outdated controlling ideas of what should be on social media.
My argument is that its not normal for be posting sexy bedhead shots etc for his female so called friends to be telling him how gorgeous and sexy he looked.
Whose being unreasonable?

OP posts:
grincheux · 10/06/2019 15:29

I think the most unusual thing about it is that he was hiding it from you. Why do you think he felt the need to have the account?

Original poster
Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 15:40

His reasoning was he liked the attention and validation (although i suspect it started much more innocently as in keeping track wuth a group of friends he wasnt likely to see day to day anymore). He kept me off because i would get jealous and wouldn't like it (he was right).

OP posts:
LimeKiwi · 10/06/2019 15:59

There's nothing wrong with having an IG account to post pictures on, that sounds fine.
Why was he hiding it though? Did he feel he had to, or what?
I wouldn't like the fact it was a secret one.

LimeKiwi · 10/06/2019 15:59

Cross posted - there you go then, there's your answer.
He kept me off because i would get jealous and wouldn't like it (he was right)

Original poster
Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 16:07

So its normal these days to have an Instagram account that you post "look at me arent i sexy photos on?"

Im shocked and feel incredibly nieve

OP posts:
BigusBumus · 10/06/2019 16:07

Did you TELL him he couldn't have an account or did he just fail to mention to you he had one. What are you frightened of?

Diamondeye · 10/06/2019 16:10

So if he’d asked you if he could have an Instagram account what would you say?

adaline · 10/06/2019 16:11

What would you have said if he'd posted those photos on an account you could access?

Isn't the whole point of Instagram to invite comments and compliments on how you look?

Original poster
Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 16:15

Yeah no worries if i was on it...

I wouldn't have wanted him posting photos of him in my bed for example on it though, or girls telling him he's bum is on fire....

OP posts:
cccameron · 10/06/2019 16:16

No it's not normal to have a secret account of sexy photos for your adoring female fans. Unless your DP is Channing Tatum?

He sounds like a tosser, a pathetic needy one at that

Original poster
Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 16:17

Failed to mention it at the start i think. Then actively concealed it as time went on...

OP posts:
BottomliePotts · 10/06/2019 16:19

Isn't the whole point of Instagram to invite comments and compliments on how you look?

Maybe if you're a teenager? I don't post any selfies and neither do 90% of the accounts I follow

GirlAtWork · 10/06/2019 16:21

Yeah, keeping it secret from you is off. He didn’t give you the option of deciding how you felt about it, he just turned it into a weird secret and is now blaming you for being jealous.

nevernotstruggling · 10/06/2019 16:22

No it's not that common. I use Instagram quite a bit but not for likes!!! It's so immature what the dp is doing

HelloBrass · 10/06/2019 16:22

I think the main issue is that the sole purpose of the account appears to be for him to get an ego stroke from other women. It's cringeworthy.

I wouldn't like that either OP, and I'm very laidback. I'd assume if he felt like he wasn't getting enough validation from me that he needed to post "sexy bedhead" shots to be fawned over, that we weren't meant to be. It sounds like the attention of his partner isn't enough for him, and it could be a slippery slope towards you doing the "pick me" dance with a bunch of women on the internet. You're obviously not happy with it, so sensibly you've done the right thing for you.

Igotthemheavyboobs · 10/06/2019 16:23

Do doesn't know I have Instagram, or any social media accounts except FB. He doesn't use them and wouldn't be at all interested in me telling him about them

Cloudyapples · 10/06/2019 16:23

Yes I’d be annoyed but unless he was actually having active affairs with these women is it worth ending a relationship of ten years?!

PatoPotato · 10/06/2019 16:23

It's not normal.

Secret accounts = trying to flirt with other people to start an affair

LTB

Omzlas · 10/06/2019 16:27

Would you genuinely be ok with him having IG, if it wasn't for the attention seeking (read: twatty) bed photos? Honestly?

Sarcelle · 10/06/2019 16:28

He is an egotistical tosspot.

Ohyesiam · 10/06/2019 16:30

So its normal these days to have an Instagram account that you post "look at me arent i sexy photos on?"
That’s not really the issue here, your ex wanted to have his cake and eat it.
I’m sure it’s possible to set up a relationship where you can do this, but courting attention and validation behind your back is not the way to go,
Personally I’d find it hard to be fully “ in” relationship and courting that attention, they feel like opposing forces to me.

There are people who can have open relationships and people who can’t. Don’t think that something social media is doing should dictate what is right for you op,

Original poster
Timeforchange2019 · 10/06/2019 16:33

@cccameron When i finally got sight of it thats exactly what it looked like

@GirlAtWork @HelloBrass thats how i feel. Im competition with people i shouldnt be in competition with in a race i didnt know about in the first place

@Cloudyapples yeah thats where i wonder if IABU

@Igotthemheavyboobs but would you sleep with them in their bed, then arrange yourself and take a selfie afterwards (whilst they are getting you a cup of tea)

@PatoPotato yes but i wonder if tgats just jealousy talking

OP posts:
Isatis · 10/06/2019 16:34

To be honest, if my DP did this I would probably break up with him on the grounds that it demonstrates that he's vain, attention-seeking, self-regarding and probably a wanker, both literally and figuratively.

MrsPMT · 10/06/2019 16:45

Definitely not normal, although I'm not sure I'd end a relationship over it. I'd be very annoyed and upset but think we'd be able to talk it through. Although if he isn't admitting its wrong then that's different.

TheCatDidSay · 10/06/2019 16:45

sounds like an insta purely for flirting. I don’t follow anybody who has a page like that maybe some 16 year olds do I don’t know. Very egotistical if you ask me.