Put on a pedestal

[marymaryquitesimplyhairy]

Good morning. I'm new here. I'm too embarrassed to ask a friend this so I thought I might get honesty on here . Thanks
I am a woman who has a friend who is a man. It's is an honest and close friendship where we are both in long term relationships, kids etc . We are both happy in our lives .
Sometimes I find my friend to be overbearing, needy and intense. I think that is just his personality . I make allowances for him as he can be quirky which I enjoy .
I was discussing some encounters that I have had with him during the last number of months . I felt that he was at times inappropriate and I felt uncomfortable .
My friend believes that he has put me on a pedestal as a sort of person to look up to. I found this to be incredible. I did not believe her . She felt that he was crossing a line but that I was too blind to see. I am on here to ask if you have ever been put on a pedestal for any reason and what did it look like and how did you deal with this when there is no reason for it . I have been reflecting on this during the weekend and I believe she is part right when I have put two and two together .

Well to be absolutely honest, it sounds like s fairly inappropriate relationship to me. It’s quite possible for one person in a male / female friendship to be over-invested or emotionally dependent. If I were you I’d take a very quick reality check and be referring him back to his wife. I’m sure your DH wouid t be too delighted about this either.

My husband has no issues with our friendship. He knows him and respects that I value him. What have you the impression that it was inappropriate from my post? Thanks

Well you describe him as “intense”, “needy” and “inappropriate at times”. As I say, I’d be referring him back to his wife.

Thank you for reading and replying .
Can I ask if anyone has had this happen to them before and what they did to solve it please in case things get out of hand

Well you describe him as “intense”, “needy” and “inappropriate at times”

This.

I had a friend like this. In the end I blocked him as I couldn’t handle his neediness. We live at opposite ends of the country though so I’m unlikely to ever bump into him!

what they did to solve it please in case things get out of hand

And also this.

Of course it's "inappropriate" (your words) if you're afraid it'll get out of hand.

Unless you like the attention...

I don't like the attention , I like my friendship. I did not think of anything like this until my friend pointed out some opinions that I had not considered . She felt that from what I told her, that he was in contact far too much, too open about his personal
Life, too dependant on my personal opinion on a variety of topics that affect him . If he asks me an opinion or advice and I give it , he will take that opinion on board and act accordingly rather than doing what he believes to be right . I work with him in a fairly suffocating organisation so being physically near him all day long is the norm .

I think you should just focus on setting boundaries - if you think he is too needy, slow down your responses to him via text or see him less. If he calls you out, say you've been busy with x, y and z. If you think he is getting too personal or inappropriate, tell him that you are feeling uncomfortable and you don't want to know/talk about this kind of thing and move onto a different topic.

I would be upfront with your partner as well if you find stuff uncomfortable.

Mary - I don’t mean to be rude, but you do sound very naive in your posts. If this “friend” is sharing things with you that he isn’t talking to his wife about or relying on you for a particular kind of emotional support, then a line has been crossed and you’re effectively heading in an emotional affair with him.

Would you be happy for your DH to be relying on another woman in this way? If no, there’s your answer.

As for dealing with it - “Sorry x, I have to tell you I don’t feel comfortable with you telling me this. I feel as if it’s disrespecting your wife. I think you should either talk to her or, if you can’t, get a therapist. “,

Thank you. I'm going to talk to my partner tonight. I am feeling a bit silly for not realising any of this. He is a friend who is as I said, quirky and funny and different and I don't bat an eyelid at his behaviour under normal circumstances but when my friend responded to my stories about his behaviours , I began to think .the last thing I need is trouble or hassle of any type. I can just cope with my own problems .
My friend was shocked that I could have been so naive and thought I my reactions to his behaviour were crazy.
She wonders if he is manipulative or is it me who is dim

Thanks. I was thinking of saying to him that I did not want to discuss his relationship anymore ( he has quite a lot of issues that he discusses with me) that I hope for the best for him but as it is not my business , I don't want to discuss anymore .
Is that mean

With some men, this is their “modus operandi”. I was once in this situation when I was very young with a man at work. They carve out different “special” roles for different women; they enjoy the exclusivity and seeing how far they can draw you in and blur your boundaries. Basically they thrive on drama, dishonesty and they are narcissists.

No it’s not mean. You are not a marriage counsellor.

Wow!! I just think of him as a nice guy who is going through a tough time . He is possessive of me at work which I really dislike so i will have to deal with this too . God I've been so stupid