To ask if anyone else feels like an imposter as a mum?

[amiapropermum]

Just what the thread title says really. I'm a single mum to a beautiful little girl who is 18 months old. Her dad doesn't see much of her, his choice

When it's just us I'm fine, but around the babysitter (who has lots of childcare experience) and other mums with more kids, or even her dad who has other kids, I feel like I'm an imposter mum and sort of justify/apologise for all my decisions! Like I'm not properly qualified to be a mum or something.

I trust my own instincts completely when it's just us but faced with someone else I feel like I'm not good enough. I'm in my early 30s by the way!

All of the time. All of it.

Three kids between 11 and 10 months. Still don't have a clue. Must be doing something right as they're all wonderful, doing well in school, polite etc but I have no bloody idea what I'm doing and I always feel like I'm not doing it as well as other people I know

Yes! All the time and DD is 5

Oh god yeah, me too.

I never feel good enough and mostly I feel like every one else does a much much better job than I do.

What I do have 100% confidence in and feel a complete expert at is loving the bones of my kids.

For this reason I know that whatever I do, whatever decision I make whatever choices I choose for my children, I do it with their best interests for their care, happiness and health.

You are alone though, I have my dh to check in with and I know that he feels the same way as I do about our kids. I do believe that he is a much better parent than I am for a million reasons.

Me too! And I’ve got four kids.

My 8 year old asked me what training I had to have to be a mum. I said none, we make it up as we go along. her face .

Oh thank god! Thank you for sharing your experiences. I apologised to the babysitter yesterday for having left something in a dish in my own house!

Yes, I did when my first was little.
I used to watch competent mums and get tips.
What made me feel more established as a mum was anticipating the needs of the day. So I ended up with a massive bag that I could did into for plasters, the right snack for the hangry toddler, an extra layer for a chilly child( extra points fora spare o e for a friend’s chilly child!) .
But the thing that made it all make sense was having my second. Don’t know why but my ovetall feeling after that was of competence.

Ive been a lone parent for the majority of dcs lives. My eldest is currently doing her gcses and it's only in the last few weeks, that I can see I've been a good enough parent to my 3.

I'm watching her as though it was the first time I met her and I see a wonderful person, who I'd want to be my best friend if I was 16 too.

Shes had a tough time for various reasons, and I think these exams have tested not only her academic ability but her work ethic, her resilience, her moral compass and just about every aspect of her personality. It has also tested my ability as a parent to be there for her as needed, when to be kind/soft, when to be more encouraging, and when to be downright firm.

With my current viewpoint I can see that my other younger dc will be ok too.

But at your stage and for a long time, I really was waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder to say 'sorry, we've just realised how shit a parent you are and therefore you can't keep them anymore'.

I remember a friend of mine visiting her dying FIL, she had just found out she was pregnant but had never felt maternal. She was thinking about her options but couldn't envisage having an abortion. They told FIL the news and discussed her reservations, and he responded saying 'just love the child, everything else will follow". It touched me then and still does to this day.

A pp touched on this saying they love the bones of their child. That's all you can do. Everyone is winging it.
I've also had a parenting mantra that if my child challenges me about something when they are adults, I want to be able to look them in the eye and say "I did the best I could at the time". Because life changes. Circumstances change. Be it health, finances, working pattern etc. But whatever has been going on, I've dug deep and done the best i could at the time. I've made mistakes, who hasn't? But once I've realised it was a mistake I've done my utmost to minimise the negative impact of it.

There have also been many times when I just didn't know what to do. Talk to people you trust. Garner others opinions. Not only does talking help you to realise your inner instincts, it often leads to help being provided.

But above all, give yourself a break, we all have days where it seems like we've failed at parenting...and we're really all just winging it.

Oldest is about to turn 21 and about a year ago, I suddenly realised that I had done a good job! Before that, I doubted myself often.

Definitely. DS is also 18 months and I always worry I'm doing things wrong, especially when I haven't got a lot of time or I'm tired. I feel like I'm constantly overanalysing every decision (or regretting things I've already done) and thinking about the implications for the future (things like, what am I teaching him by doing this? Is this going to cause more problems down the line? Or is it worth it because it's what works now? ). And yeah, everyone else I see seems much more competent and good at being a mum.

I'm not properly qualified to be a mum

No such qualification exists, anyone with any common sense blunders through life by instinct and that's your strongest qualification.

I'm feeling a lot better after reading these responses. Thought it was just me!

Oh, thank you for starting this thread, have had a day of feeling wholly inadequate, my two year old won't wear shoes ever, I have constant guilt about using screens and I have no idea what I am doing, I feel like the only amateur among total pro mothers, even though he is a brilliant little boy!

Yes! I am sure it's partly my personality (self doubt and anxiety) and partly because as soon as you get sort of used to them at one age, the goalposts change again and you're back to square one! I keep telling myself I know about a million times more then I did before my son was born, even if I've got a lot to learn. I think it also doesn't help being a single mum (I am one too), because you're doing the work of two people but without the reassurance from your daughter's other parent

Me too. I’ve two children aged 2 and 3 and I’ve not got a fucking clue what I’m doing.

27 years and three kids later, I still do 🤣 I just try to be like my mum, she’s great - failing miserably though!

Me too! And not just being a mum, but being a grown-up too. I see other 'proper' adults and wonder when my time will come. I'm 37, married, mortgage, own business, 2 kids...

Twotinydictators that's true! I feel like I pretended at work too. It's the whole 'adulting' thing....