To think it shouldn’t default to me to always organise the kids’ birthdays

[Firenight]

At the end of my tether right now with being the only one adulting in this household.

DD will be 5 in a few weeks and desperately wants a birthday party. It’s just assumed that I will arrange this. I suggested tonight that DH might like to arrange it, as I haven’t had time to think about planning at all. Met with incredulous silence.

Feels like the last straw on the mental load tonight.

Tell dd in front of him that he is organising it. Tell her to ask daddy what sort of party she wants.

It really does take the piss that the mum is meant to deal with everything kid related.
I asked DH to sort out dds school place for reception once.... goes without saying i had to spend months trying to get her into a school after that.
I dont know what to suggest.
Im in the same boat-
It certainly is a social thing though so dont beat your husband up too much- maybe you could write a list of all the mental things you have to sort out
(Dentist doctors vaccinations school trips parties and the like) and show him just how much there is to think about and you shouldnt have to deal with everything.
Didnt work work for me but talking about it with dh (after a massive row about forgetting about the school place) has meant he sometimes does little jobs without asking. But i am a sahm so it would be different if i was working and expecting it 50/50

Is one parent as SAH? Who does the school runs/pickups and has the general day to day relationship with the other school gate parents? 2nd point, who controls the budget?

Agree with @Cherrysoup tell DD that DH is planning her party - in front of him.

They'll be no chance of an incredulous silence then. Unless he wants to be the arsehole who says no to 5yo birthday girl.
I have no idea why the planning of everything gets put on us mums - apart from sheer laziness and a worry of getting the blame if it all goes tits up.
Don't put up with being the events planner anymore and don't let him do it purposefully badly - I've seen that trick one too many times!

I saw this meme during the Champions League final and it's relevant here too!

It has just struck me that in over 13 years of school life (combined), my children have never been invited to a birthday party organised by a man.

I haven't even questioned it until now. It is just assumed the women will do it, isn't it?

^obviously I mean a children's birthday party organised by a man. That does sound a bit odd now I've re read it.

Don't put up with being the events planner anymore and don't let him do it purposefully badly - I've seen that trick one too many times!

Agreed, but also be very conscious of choosing standards that must be met and 'stepping in' if they aren't. No good delegating or sharing the load if you end up jumping in anyway. That's advice from my Chief Executive manager - he has instructed me to let people, including him, fail or succeed on their own terms - i.e. don't fret yourself with the mental load of other people too.

Must be so hard with kids when you can't let him fail on his own terms though, so making him accountable in front of her is the right way to go.

(My husband has dramatically improved in this area though - I said, let's do a joint Christmas shopping weekend nice and early together this year in... (I left a pause...)... and he supplied 'August'!!! Years of watching me with my feet up whilst he ran around Dec 22nd got through!)

Even after 13 years with kids i think my DH probably believes father christmas is real. After all he is as surprised as the kids when they open any present from FC or us (and on birthdays) apart from v occassional things he buys DS that are actually things that he would like

Are you both working equally?

I think it depends on your general set up. I work p/t so the majority of lifestyle organisation falls to me. I am currenlty trying to figure out how to get 7 girls to a trampoline place too far to walk to.

But, on the day DH is there and helps. He knows exactly when, where and what thanks to talking about it beforehand and will pitch in on the day depending on the kind of party.

Posted too early - DH does enough child related otherwise. Thanks to him working from home I hardly have to do any kind of routine appointments (dentist, orthodontist, even GP unless it comes under "women's issue). The only one which is my responsibility is the hairdresser.

He collects DD from school when sick, drives her to two hobbies and is the main point of talking to the school and helps with the scouts.

I don't mind being the one buying school stuff, clothing and presents.

I don't mind organising the kids parties and their presents etc. Dh often comes up with good 'main' present ideas for the boys as they are older and have shared interests and I sort out dds presents as I know what is suitable and what she would like. As for parties I can organise a good party either at home or in a hall/bouncy castle or venue and shop around for good deals and buy themed party things, make a nice cake, organise age appropriate games etc.
Dh would if he was left to it on his own end up booking an expensive soft play or similar with food and party bags thrown in and an entertainer included so he didn't have to do anything! Kids would be happy with either though!

You are definitely NBU!!! Unless there are other things he always does that you don't do - i.e. you have agreed spheres of expertise that even out. Eg my DH never washes our DCs hair when he gives them a bath, I do all hair washing, but equally I've almost never cut their nails, as DH always does that (much better fine motor skills than me!).

The one that kills me is organising camps, activities and childcare for the endless school holidays - I always seem to get stuck with that, and no sooner has half term been navigated than you have to start planning for the summer!

If you force your DH to organise it he will just say to DD invite some of your friends around on your birthday and boom its sorted. Then at the last minute you will be running around trying to organise what to do with either a dozen children or none on the day.

Better to just avoid the stress and disappointment by organising it properly yourself.

We had a very straight forward division of labour, I made and supervised the food, OH was entertainments officer, it worked very well. A conga of 20 children up and down the road outside got the neighbours' attention one year and he was very good with games, especially ones that got them wet!

Hmm. I’d probably do the ‘daddy’s organising it’ in front of dd as suggested and then help my dh organise it this year by 1. Some suggestions 2. Some standards he had to meet, including timings. But absolutely not doing the work.
Mines getting better and better. The one I cant wait for is school holidays - going back to work from mat leave etc means I am at home so do organise it and then I’m the one with the nanny contact etc and end up organising half terms... when they are all properly at school I’m going to wash my hands of holiday arrangements for a year. Tell dp to tell me what is needed from me days wise in a similar manner as I have done with him ie reasonably, and organise everything else. If it’s not in place he needs to take time off work no matter how short notice, and if he loses his job he can always find another one. I’m taking zero responsibility. I’m dreaming about it now...

And their parties give me huge anxiety. All the organising, contacting parents, waiting for rsvps and then fretting about the birthday child being sick on the day

I have to say though that although I carry the mental load, organising responsibilities (and anxiety) Dh does pretty much all of the practicalities (shopping for whatever I put on the list, organising our dc on the day and being the host to the guests and parents) He has the energy and enthusiasm for all that.

I just do the planning (and the worrying) and on the day I take photos, drink cups of coffee and chat to the parents

And I never cook anything (we either keep it very simple with snacks and or we get it catered for)

If one parent is a sahp or part time that's fair enough

It's a mental load issue. It's one of the invisable jobs which take up a significant amount of headspace which women are expected to take on in addition to any other jobs.

I imagine a number of dads show up and play some music for pass the parcel and feel they've done half the work.