Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parent died, family taking stuff from house

26 replies

pawsies · 09/06/2019 22:01

I've been helping declutter the house over a few years. What was left was what I was not allowed to clear. I know what was in the house as a result.

They started off by asking can we have this ornament, these books, these pans etc.

Fine I don't really want any tat.

Then I was told they'd taken some other things that they didn't ask about just said they now had.

These items were valuable and not up for grabs. Again I was not allowed to sort through them previously.

This was my childhood home too, some of these things are my personal things that I didn't know were there.

I feel like we've been ransacked. We've asked for those things back but there's bound to be more things that they have that I've forgotten about.

It was all done "to help me out" but you wouldn't take all the valuable things without asking would you? You'd say oh I noticed item X was there what do you want to do with it?

I also sent a group message previously saying all valuables to remain in the house.
They have claimed they were taken for safekeeping as they were worried about robbers. Robbers would not come for these valuables it's not like it's jewellery it's more like vintage or antique items which the family knew were valuable.

This house has not been robbed before either so imo it's not a valid reason to take things especially without asking.

Just feel like they've taken advantage as my parent would never have let them have these things.

We've asked for an inventory which they finally gave us but there's still things missing off the list which we know about.
We plan to go round to get our stuff but it shouldn't be like this should it?

Why would you think it's ok to raid an empty house with vulnerable close relatives who assume the house can be sorted through at leisure?

Has anyone else been through something like this?

OP posts:
Oneminuteandthenallgone · 09/06/2019 22:04

Who are the people?
How do they have access?
Who are the beneficiaries of the will?

Fevertree · 09/06/2019 22:06

Who wouldn't let you take things? Who are the other people involved here? Who still lives in the house? How have the others had aceess to your parents house?

ThePhoenixRises · 09/06/2019 22:09

If you are sole beneficiary, call the police and report as theft.

Original poster
pawsies · 09/06/2019 22:16

Trying not to give too many details as I don't know if other relatives might read this.

However it's a sibling of my parent.
They were given a key years ago before circumstances changed (parent got divorced and parent's lifestyle changed so not sure they would have still had a key if parent had thought about it more)
Beneficiaries of will are my sibling and other parent plus descendants

Parent wouldn't let me take things e.g. to the tip it was their house and they were a hoarder
No one lives in the house but I am sorting through it as I have previously been and it was decided amongst close family that I am the best to do this in current circumstances

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 09/06/2019 22:20

I assume your other parent has also passed away, or maybe your parents have separated.

As a child, you and your fellow siblings share everything - unless there is a will. So how did the other family members get in? What do you mean "I was not allowed to sort through them"

IsAStormApporaching · 09/06/2019 22:22

Change the lock asap so no more things can be taken for "safe keeping"
Sorry these people have done this to you at such an emotionally sad time Flowers

marvellousnightforamooncup · 09/06/2019 22:26

Change locks and list missing items saying you want them back.

LizB62A · 09/06/2019 22:31

If you are the executor, change the locks and report the thefts to the police

GinisLife · 09/06/2019 22:32

If the person who had taken stuff isn't a beneficiary then you're within your rights to report her to the police for theft unless she brings it all back - or at very least threaten too. It's not her stuff to take.

Kahlua4me · 09/06/2019 22:33

You can change the locks, say that it was recommended to you by your insurance company as the house is now empty. Ours did actually say that but I can’t quite remember the wording they used.

We sadly had to do that with my mum’s house for the same reason. People seem to think it is a free for all once somebody has died...

ohdearmymistake · 09/06/2019 22:36

There's nothing like inheritance/money to bring the worst out in people.

Get the locks changed and the stuff back.

user1486131602 · 09/06/2019 22:45

Send them a copy of the will. And ask for the things and key to returned. If they report them to the police.
It’s theft, and there are laws to stop this happening
Good luck

lottiegarbanzo · 09/06/2019 22:46

Who is the executor?

You seem to be relying on assumptions about the acceptabiity of your preferred approach here.

Everything has to be valued as part of the probate process. Removing valuable items is not ok with HMRC. It will not be ok with the executor or eventual beneficiaries either.

lottiegarbanzo · 09/06/2019 22:49

I am sorting through it as I have previously been and it was decided amongst close family that I am the best to do this in current circumstances. It may well be that you are best placed to do this but it is up to the executor of the will to decide. Not you, or close family, unless one of you is the executor.

RomanyQueen · 09/06/2019 22:49

Change the lock and send a message to one of them that unless everything is returned you are going to the Police, give them 24 hours.

Cherrysoup · 09/06/2019 22:55

Do you have a copy of the will? Change the locks, send a formal letter from your solicitor requesting back the items. Horrible people.

myhamster · 09/06/2019 23:02

We’ve just been dealing with my grans estate and the solicitor said that all keys should handed to the executors. Nobody has any permission to remove anything as it belongs to the beneficiaries of the will.

If the beneficiaries are happy to hand things out to family that’s ok but you need written approval from all beneficiaries.

This is theft, but obviously creates big problems within the family.

Wasafatmum42 · 09/06/2019 23:14

this sounds similar to what I am going through its a horrible situation to be in try talking to them and if they don't listen do what you have to do , if they don't respect you to do the descend thing you owe them nothing. I have unfortunately taken the legal route against my siblings :( it makes me feel sick to the stomach as they meant the world to me

ZebrasAreBras · 09/06/2019 23:34

No it's not acceptable, OP, unless by permission of the Executor. But the Executor is legally bound to honour the law, in terms of the will, or probate laws.

When my father died, there was no will, so the Estate was shared between myself and my siblings by law. I was executor as I was the oldest (in agreement with my siblings). We all agreed on the split of stuff, thankfully, and very generously & good-naturedly, about who was to have what of the 'personal' stuff. But I would have been extremely pissed off if anyone had just taken stuff.

Being executor is probably the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life. And we were all on good terms. Funny things can happen to people when people die and money is involved. It can cause huge fallings out. I would urge you to be as generous as you feel you can be, and minimise damage to family relationships, but obviously what is fair and legal must be honoured.

Hearthside · 10/06/2019 14:21

It has to be the excutors op .Myself and my younger sibling were executors of my DF's will .We had the keys to property we accounted for everything. Tied up paperwork and followed sharing of our DF's estate .We did sort out our youngest siblings stuff for them which they picked up but anything of our DF's only we were allowed to touch .

Hearthside · 10/06/2019 14:24

ZebrasAreBras i totally agree it is incredibly stressful being executor of a will. We also get on well and myself and my younger sibling did it through teamwork but boy it was stressful making sure everything is done correctly.

steppemum · 10/06/2019 14:35
  1. change the locks so that nothing else can be taken
  2. Be specific - these items are missing form the house, and must be returned by x date.
  3. Be legal - all items in the house belong to A and B as per the will. Any items taken without permission are therefore stolen and if not returned, the theft will be reported to the police.

BUT you can only do that if you are the executor, or acting on the executor's instructions

lottiegarbanzo · 10/06/2019 14:45

You might find it useful to remember and remind people that, for the moment, everything belongs to the deceased's estate. Not to any person.

That de-personalises things. It's not about 'X taking something they believe is rightfully coming to them', or 'Y taking something that X thinks should be theirs'.

It's about the estate being properly managed by the executor(s), up to the point (after probate has been granted) that the bequests and effects are distributed.

steppemum · 10/06/2019 14:47

good point lottie - nothing can be taken until probate and then it will be distributed according to the will

Haworthia · 10/06/2019 14:53

Sadly, this is really common. People are such vultures when a family member dies. It makes me sick.

The day after my Nan died, my aunt, uncle and cousins went to her house to ransack it. My parents arrived the day after and said it looked like it had been burgled. One even took some Dyson tools - but not the actual Dyson - as a way of staking her claim to the machine Shock

One of the cousins never visited Nan’s house when she was alive (well, only to get monetary handouts) which makes it even worse.

When I think about the mementoes I got from my grandparents’ houses, it was very much a case of “whatever’s left over” rather than things I particularly wanted.