To reconsider this friendship

[LaDilettante]

I have a friend I've known for nearly ten years who I've always considered as one of my best friends. Today she's really pissed me off on something that might seem minor but it's made me wonder whether I should cool this friendship.

I had mentioned to her last November that I was thinking of buying a sewing-machine to start making clothes and for some craft projects. She told me she had one she hadn't used for a quite a while and that I could have it but she might maybe want it back if she needed it but pretty unlikely as she hadn't used it for a couple of years. I told her I'd buy one as I knew I was going to use it a lot. She insisted I took hers, she wasn't using it, she lives in a small flat and it takes to much space and it's just gathering dust. I offered to buy it from her and she said no. I said I should probably buy and she said I could have hers etc... It came to a point where it felt rude to say no.

She now wants it back. Fine, it's hers. But she wants it right now! She pestered me to bring it back to hers three days before she was due to go on holidays for a week. I couldn't do it as I worked shifts until midnight and told her it seemed a bit silly since she was going away and we could arrange for another time after she's back. She then changed her mind and said she wouldn't need it for a while. Now she's changed her mind and wanted me to bring it tomorrow. I twice said I couldn't because I can't take my DD to nursery in the buggy while carrying a sewing machine, then get on the train to bring it to hers and go to work. I said I could bring it on Sunday as I already have plans with my DD on Saturday. She's sent me a flurry of messages saying how she needs it now or she won't be able to do her stuff etc...

Back story, she gets kind of obsessive with other people, especially guys she's dating. They get pissed off at being bombarded with messages. Whenever she tells me she's met a new bloke, my heart sinks because I know I'll have to be there to pick up the pieces and get messages at all hours. Recently I've had tons of messages about a guy she's just met and whether it's normal he's kissed her but not slept with her. She keeps asking me the same question over and over again and frankly it's draining.

So, AIBU?

Tell her if she's that desperate for it she'll need to come and collect it.

Message back: sewing machine is avilable for you to collect on x dates otherwise I will be free to bring it back on y date but not before I am afraid.

Why can't she come and get it?

She can't come and get it because she's busy apparently. I have all the time in the world, obviously!

She sounds unhinged. Does she drive? If she does, it's up to her to come and collect it. If she doesn't, I'd give it back when she comes back off holiday. And then yes, I'd cool the friendship.

Both very different issues imo. If she wants sewing machine in a particular timescale, after pretty much gifting it to you, then she can pick it up. That’s just realistic. I can understand your frustration and yanbu.
Re the blokes issue, if the continuing messaging is driving you mad, tell her. Sounds like her behaviour over 1st issue is impacting how you feel about the second? She does sound flaky, but Only you know if overall she’s a good, supportive friend or if it’s only working in one direction?

stop replying, she'll soon turn up at your door, BONUS , here's your sewing machine

I hate stuff like this so annoying!! Just get it back to her as soon as you can and buy your own and don't let her be so pushy in future. So irritating for you and a waste of time!

Well, my DP says she's flaky so he might be onto something.

We both don't drive but I offered to bring it next Sunday.

I mentioned the bloke thing because it's the same obsessive behaviour of asking the same thing over and over again and expecting a different answer.

I would be so annoyed at this I’d honestly text text her “the sewing machine is on it’s way back to you now, given the urgency I’ve sent it by taxi, you’ll need to pay the fare”.

I actually went back home to get it to my place of work as it's a central location and she can pick it up from there. I was on my way to work and my phone kept buzzing after I had explained I couldn't bring it before Sunday. I also ordered a brand new sewing machine today that can do 25 different stitches. Yay!

I was wondering whether I was being stupid being upset by her behaviour but it seems I'm not the crazy one. Also, I think you tend to value your friendships a bit more once you have kids because you have so little time to maintain them. I do shift work so I work late and often at the weekend too.

CarolsBiggestFan I wish I had thought of that!