Abortion - am I bu to hate myself

[fatisnotafeeling]

I had an abortion 5 weeks ago, I hate myself, I hated myself before it's worse now.

Long story short- 38, 3 DC. Eldest is 17 youngest is 7. Previous fertility issues, 6 miscarriages before youngest 2. Unplanned pregnancy, I was 9 weeks. I allowed myself to be convinced it was the right thing to have an abortion. It was for the sake of everyone else but not for me. I cannot get passed it I cannot turn back time as much as I want to.

I hate myself I want to know AIBU, has anyone else felt the same after an abortion. I know on MN people are pro choice and so was I but I was pro life for myself, until I wasn't and I don't know when or how that changed, how I got here. I don't know how to live with myself. How do I live with this.

Forgive yourself easier said than done, I've no experience with abortion but I would say your feelings are natural we all question our choices & hindsight can play tricks on you. Give yourself forgiveness & pour all your love into your children, pray or meditate & make sure the voice in your head is kind x

You are definitely being unreasonable to hate yourself yes.

You didn't want An Abortion. What you WANTED no doubt, was to NOT be pregnant.

Please don't hate yourself. Raising children is so hard. It's so hard and it's a long job. Mine are only teens and I'm tired, broke and longing for a bit of freedom.

You made a choice with REALITY in mind.

xxx

OP.

Time heals to an extent. Your post has bought me to tears. You're not alone. I wish i had better advise.

Sorry for you loss, Op,
Having worked in Women’s Health, I can reassure you that the way you are feeling is very, very common. Can I suggest you try to chaw get your thinking from ‘hating yourself’ to hating that you had to make this decision?
There are lots of threads about pro life/pro choice that give the impression that it is a black v white decision, but it’s really so, so many shades of grey.
IMO no-one knows how they would feel or what they would do until they find themselves in the position of being pregnant when they don’t want to be, especially when they are not the only person who it will affect.
Some will feel relief, many will feel regret but cope with it, some will need help to come to terms with their decision.
Be gentle on yourself. Seek some counselling if you can.

You’re not alone, it’s totally normal to feel this way, to wish more than anything you could turn back time and change your decision.

To an extent, time will help heal and reinforce any reasons you had. In the meantime, Please be kind to yourself.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

At the time when you had it, you presumably made the decision based on all the facts that you had right then, all the pressures that you had.

Now that some of those pressures are now not there, it seems like a very natural reaction to think 'what if?' because you're no longer in that situation.

Please don't feel badly or hate yourself. Be kind, and remind yourself of your reasons at that time for making that decision.
Do get some help if you find you need it, too.

Thank you all so very much for your kind words I am sat here sobbing my heart out because I can't seem to get past this.

My reasons were valid but were based on how a baby would effect everyone In my family negatively but not how it would effect me. In hindsight they seem insignificant but I cannot turn back time as much as I wish I could.

duffeldaisy - At the time when you had it, you presumably made the decision based on all the facts that you had right then, all the pressures that you had.

This is a good starting point actually. I try to remember this with any regrets i have about the past, big and small:
Be kind about the you which had to make the choice and forgive yourself and accept. You did your best at the time and it's very likely that if you truly could turn back time you'd make the same choices again because you made them in good faith.

Can I suggest you try to chaw get your thinking from ‘hating yourself’ to hating that you had to make this decision?

This is a good way to think about it, if you can. I’m sorry you are going through this, I hope you come to peace.

I will always feel bad about my abortion but that’s ok. It was the right choice at that time and I don’t regret it. It’s taken me a year to really start feeling ok and especially after the due date I’ve been better but I treasure that baby as much as the potential babies I’ve lost to miscarriage. Nobody thinks they’ll ever be someone who has an abortion and before you are in that position it’s really easy to form an opinion. I’m just grateful that it’s not an ordeal beyond the emotional and physical pain in this country. Glad I don’t live in the ‘land of the free’

Like any grief you'll go through stages OP. Long slow ones. Don't rush yourself.

No words of wisdom, just wanted to offer you support.
xx

OP, you poor thing. I'm so sorry for where you find yourself now.
You did what you believed what was right at the time, and I doubt very much that your circumstances have changed so that you would have done differently right now.
But, forgiving yourself a a very different thing.
In my case, I was in a similar position to you (previous fertility issues, including two rounds of ivf). I felt like I was in hell, especially as I had tried so hard to have children - but the time wasn't right for that particular one. Over the years, I've accepted that it was the right decision, but it hasn't been easy.
Go easy on yourself. You made a very difficult decision and it's only human to think it over.
I hope you come to peace with it in time.

Sending you a huge hug OP. It sounds like you were in a difficult situation where you had to think of everyone else around you and that you had to put what you wanted, last. Take one day at a time.

It might help you to talk to someone about how you feel eg a counsellor.

Just remember you are not alone, you are loved and you will be fine. 💝

I am so sorry OP.

I had one 10 years ago. Took a while to stop hating myself. It had to happen though. There was no way i could have dealt with having a child in those circumstances. My biggest issue was, and still is, the lack of counselling and support for those who go through with an abortion but feel horrific for doing so.

I didnt want to be pregnant. But i didnt want to end a potential life either..
However i have forgiven myself and over the years made peace with it. I have a lot now that i would never have achieved had i not had my abortion. It was the best decision.

You did what was best. Do not feel guilty. You shouldnt hate yourself. There is a reason we can choose. You made that choice, hard as it was, for the better.x

This is the reason why there is abortion grief counselling, because women can regret their decision/action to terminate.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m in the process of contemplating a termination right now and it’s absolute agony.

Thank you all for your kind words, I wanted to be judged harshly, if that makes sense, but you have all been so kind.

I am trying so very hard to remind myself that my reasons were valid, that I cannot change them and that I need to move on but it is so very difficult. I am stuck going over the what ifs, it almost mental torture.

I am booked to have specialist counselling, I have 2 sessions in the next 6 weeks and then at 12 weeks post abortion I will start going every week.
I asked the provider for copies of the scan pictures and they gave them to me in an envelope. I opened them yesterday and I think k they've given me generic ones, they don't have a name on them or even a number, the name that the clinic used to be under many many yrs ago is on them and the date of 2003. I am feeling very upset by this I wanted them for a reason.
I now don't know whether to go back and ask for an explanation for this and ask for the actual scans or to leave it.

I'm not sure I have the energy for that particular battle.

@Meccacos I am so sorry you're having to go through the same thing, it is so so very very difficult to make an impossible decision in an impossible situation.

All I can say is I feel like the benefits of a baby would have outweighed all the reasons I had (hindsight is a wonderful thing) the abortion. I would not be the person I am today and I hate this person, I do not know who I am anymore. I wish I had given myself more time. Please allow yourself time.
I would not dream of telling you what to do it is your Choice and I am here if you need to talk please PM me.

@Meccacos

Depending on when a woman discovers she's pregnant, or finds out that something is wrong, it can mean there isn't that long to make the decision. Something with such potential for emotional trauma with only days to decide what to do in some cases. It can leave you feeling bewildered and out of control.

The aftermath is a very personal and complex set of emotions. For myself my grief and sadness is not mingled with regret. I'm sure i'd decide the same way if i was in the exact situation again. However that doesn't mean a day goes by without me thinking about it, feeling like a terrible person and wishing and wishing it hadn't all happened. The sadness will never leave me. I am changed because of it. Guilt and regret are subtly different.

For balance it should be said that plenty of posters here in the past have said they have not been traumatised by their abortion. It's not always an emotionally damaging process, and no woman should feel obliged to be broken by it or feel they are in the wrong to feel only relief.

x posted OP. I would ask about the scan photos now while it's recent.

Even if in the end you don't end up getting the correct pictures it's better to act and not to have something else hanging over you in the future which you wished you'd done differently at the time