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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being used as childcare

36 replies

Sonicknuckles · 09/06/2019 20:32

A parent I know has asked a few times if I can pick up their child from school (child in same class as my ds) and look after them for a few hours.
Whilst I don't mind the occasional ad hoc I am concerned that they might start regularly asking me and I don't want them to rely on me as childcare.
They've offered to pay me but I'm not interested in taking money for it and don't want to be a childminder.
Any suggestions how I can politely get this across if I'm continued to be asked?

OP posts:
hormonesorDHbeingadick · 09/06/2019 20:33

Just say ‘Sorry, I cant do that.’

GruciusMalfoy · 09/06/2019 20:36

Don't immediately say yes, say you have to check your plans for after school on that day. If it becomes too much, just say no, you've nothing to feel guilty about.

mbosnz · 09/06/2019 20:43

How about 'sorry, I'm not set up as a childminder, and I'm not planning on becoming one, you need to sort out a reliable alternative. . '

GreenTulips · 09/06/2019 20:44

Say no, we have plans sorry.

MatchSetPoint · 09/06/2019 21:09

Have a back up sentence ready ‘sorry not tonight’s we are off out for a family meal’ or something if you don’t feel confident saying no, if you say yes all the time they will abuse your kindness. Don’t do anything that will make you unhappy, life is too short!

Chocolate35 · 09/06/2019 21:12

Why are you concerned? Has she done anything to suggest she is not just a mum that occasionally needs help? You say you don’t mind doing it ad hoc so I’d continue as you are. If she tries to take the piss them of course tell her you can’t/won’t. Everyone needs help sometimes.

Jaimemai · 09/06/2019 21:15

What could happen if you say no? Realistically what? People get scared to say no. Here is a good place to practice

user1493413286 · 09/06/2019 21:16

Sorry I can’t do it that day on repeat until they stop asking.

BeanBag7 · 09/06/2019 21:17

Just tell them honestly, if they start asking you all the time.
"I am quite happy to look after X occasionally but I would rather not do this every week. My son would love to have X over for dinner on (Tuesday next week)"

ChesterDrawsDoesntExist · 09/06/2019 21:22

Do what I do. If you don't mind the odd occasion and would like to sometimes help out, have a list of pre-planned no's. "Sorry we're going to grandma's straight after school" or "No can do. We're going out for dinner" or whatever reason suits you. This will make sure she knows you're not her regular childcare and have no intention to be.

NataliaOsipova · 09/06/2019 21:26

If you don't mind the odd occasion and would like to sometimes help out, have a list of pre-planned no's. "Sorry we're going to grandma's straight after school" or "No can do. We're going out for dinner" or whatever reason suits you. This will make sure she knows you're not her regular childcare and have no intention to be.

This is good advice. All I will say is that it sounds like you do mind. I think I would think the other mother was being rather cheeky in the circumstances you describe...I wouldn’t want to do it either (except in genuine emergencies). So don’t be put upon, or feel guilty in any way for saying no....

Laiste · 09/06/2019 21:28

Why are you being asked to have the child? Is the parent working?

Keep it a very casual arrangement based on your own plans OP.

I got into this situation a good few years ago. Parent was a casual friend and child was in the same class as my eldest. Somehow it ended up a regular thing every week when she had to do overtime and bugger me was it awkward to back out of by then!

PuzzledObserver · 09/06/2019 21:30

How often has she asked, and how much notice has she given?

If the times she’s asked have been an emergency (I dunno.... other DC had an accident, had to take them to A&E) and she phoned you at 1pm, I’d say that’s fair enough. She’s not treating you as regular childcare, but as someone who she trusts when something unforeseen happens.

But if she’s asking you the week before because she needs to work late that day (say), then she is using you as regular childcare.

Notabedofroses · 09/06/2019 21:53

You are being lined up as free childcare.

teyem · 09/06/2019 21:57

Just invent lots of inconvenient appointments till they find another sucker.

Xmas2020 · 09/06/2019 21:59

Trying saying No, i mean come on how difficult is it?

MyInnerAlto · 09/06/2019 22:01

BeanBag7's wording is perfect (though I might change 'every week' to 'regularly' in case this parent thinks every other week is OK...)

Interesting, btw, how the OP doesn't give the sex of the parent but several people have assumed it's a mum.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/06/2019 22:11

How often? And have they ever returned the favour?

Drum2018 · 09/06/2019 22:11

Just say no. You don't need to explain why or make up excuses. She shouldn't be putting you in this position but until you say no she will keep asking and availing of the free childcare you are providing. She should organise her childcare and pay a bloody childminder. Next time she asks can you pick up her child, say No, without apology.

BackforGood · 09/06/2019 22:14

Don't make up excuses - be honest.
"I don't mind helping out in an emergency, as I'm sure you'd do for me, but I am not able to do regular childcare for you".

Notabedofroses · 10/06/2019 06:06

Even if she is offering a return favour I would think twice. In my experience the return favour never happened, and I was saddled with four children more often than not on the days she was supposed to be helping.

I would be direct with her, 'It might be best if you organise proper childcare, as I can't help in September' and leave it at that. I would not offer emergency help, you will have an emergency most weeks otherwise. Obviously you will be there for her in a proper emergency (hospital, illness etc) so you don't need to offer.

Sonicknuckles · 10/06/2019 09:41

It's actually a dad

OP posts:
BiddyPop · 10/06/2019 10:05

Doesn't matter if it's a llama. The answer is the same regardless of the parent who asks.

"Hi can you collect X along with yours today, and I'll be over later to collect them?"

"Sorry, no, that doesn't suit me today." (If you don't want to just leave it at that - although that is perfectly sufficient - you could add something like:
We have an appointment to get to after school.
We already have plans that I can't change.
I have something else I need to get done this afternoon.

You don't need to say exactly what those plans are - just that it doesn't suit you for your own reasons.

You could offer an arranged afternoon another day, IF that suited you. But don't feel you need to.

Just don't always be available whenever someone else is in need - you have things to do sometimes, places to go, appointments to keep, bookings you have made for fun stuff, need to go to the shops for something that DC needs, plans to meet with relatives or friends after school.....all sorts. So you aren't available at the drop of a hat for others who can't organize their lives and have childcare arrangements in place.

Assuming that you are either working PT or SAHM to be able to be at the school gate daily, you have made sacrifices to have that flexibility, I assume, and you don't need YOUR sacrifices to become beneficial to others when they won't either make similar sacrifices themselves or pay for proper childcare arrangements.

Isatis · 10/06/2019 10:16

If you were being paid you'd have to be registered and DBS checked, so he's not doing you any favours offering to give you money that you can't legally take. Keep saying no unless it suits you for your child to have someone to play with.

Snog · 10/06/2019 10:30

"No thanks, I'm not interested in child minding."