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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Supporting our children

21 replies

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 19:40

Am I being unreasonably by wanting my ex to sit side by side to support our children at school events sporting events. I try so hard to include him in everything I update him with everything., record stuff he misses to send him let him know when events are on. And he sits at the other side of the room every time then complains when the children don't see him as there always looking at me. Should I just give up and let him do as he wants I'm just sick of his attitude towards me. You would of thought it was me that cheated and broke the family apart the way he treats me.

OP posts:

sincethereis · 09/06/2019 19:42

You aren’t unreasonable

sincethereis · 09/06/2019 19:43

posted to soon.

I think you should give up trying to change his mind. He clearly doesn’t want it so waste of a battle really

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 19:48

I just think it would be nice for our children to see us together supporting them. It should be me treating him the way he treats me after all he done to me. But I've always tried to be the bigger person. You can just tell by his vibes he doesn't like being round me at all and it's so hurtful we were together 12 years married for 4. He rushes to pick the kids up. Ignores me when I speak to him and says he talking to the kids or didn't hear me. Never looks at me. He's moved on and I certainly don't want him back. But I just don't get why he can't try to be friends for our children's sake.

OP posts:

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 19:50

Should I just give up and let him do as he wants I'm just sick of his attitude towards me. You would of thought it was me that cheated and broke the family apart

In a word... YES

By any chance, do you still miss him? Still love him? Possibly deep down hoping for a reconciliation? Hoping the togetherness at the kids events will bring you vack together?

And be totally honest

Because if you do, and that's the vibes you're giving off, but for him it's well and truly over, he may be acting cold towards to ensure you don't get the wrong idea?

Not justifying his cheating btw. Not at all.

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 19:53

In a word... YES
Sorry. This was in response to "should I just give up" not "AIBU"

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 19:55

No I'm 100% over him. The more we're apart I see a side to him I always ignored deep down. I care for him as he is there father but I would never take him back he did try after 6 months and I turned him down. I just don't want us to be the parents that can't stand each other and the kids stuck between us. I've let him introduce 2 different partners to the kids since we've broke up. I just don't want the kids to feel uncomfortable and having to go back and forth between us at these kinds of events

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 09/06/2019 19:55

Let it go, if my DPs Ex requested they sat together/attended school events together we would find it odd. You are their parents albeit it separately, sounds like you want people to still see you as a couple; he’s clearly moved on.

Bookworm4 · 09/06/2019 19:57

I’ve let him introduce 2 partners
How gracious of you to allow him 🙄

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 20:03

Oh I don't mean it like that allow it. They were both 6 months apart and I wasn't happy about it. I certainly don't want us to be seen as a couple I just want us to be seen as supporting Co parents. But clearly I'm being seen the wrong way. If him and his partner lasted long enough I wouldn't mind her coming along and all supporting the kids together. But now a days seens to be a rare thing for exs to get along and support children together. So I'll just leave it at that. I just thought I was putting the children's needs first

OP posts:

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 20:12

Ffs bookworm its clear what she meant. She meant she caused no issues for the kids father, despite being unhappy about introducing new partners to their kids, because she was putting her kids feelings first.

OP you sound like a wonderful selfless mother and it's sad your ex can't see that. Next time he moans the kids only look at you and don't notice him at their events, just reiterate "you've always been welcome to sit with/near me, even with your current partners" and then leave it at that. Just carry on as you are. I appreciate it's frustrating but if he can't be a grownup about it, then that's his own fault

sincethereis · 09/06/2019 20:14

You are. Please don’t get that misconstrued.

I think a lot of exes struggle to truly be amicable and friends after splitting up. My parents when they separated could and (like you want) could sit together at our events etc. But you’ve even said he doesn’t like you essentially. So that’s that tbh.

It would be better for you children if you could but don’t push it.

Sorry to comment again but I didn’t want to add to any feeling of YABU when you aren’t to want to but are to keep trying.

Hope that makes some what sense.

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 20:28

Thank you for your replies. I think I might just have to listen to people and stop putting all the effort in. But I don't want to come across as the awkward ex not keeping him informed of dates events appointments etc that he needs to be there for. Basically keeping him updated with everything pictures videos stuff that gets sent to me via school.

OP posts:

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 20:38

But I don't want to come across as the awkward ex not keeping him informed of dates events appointments etc that he needs to be there for. Basically keeping him updated with everything pictures videos stuff that gets sent to me via school

Still tell him dates of the kids events, just don't go overboard and send him pics & vids if he doesn't attend them. If he wants pics and vids he can attend.

Maybe ask him to give his email address to their school/clubs etc so they can update him directly about dates of events and its them up to him to organise himself.

I think the issue here is that you are trying to keep you all functioning as a 'family unit' for the kids sake, but this is making him uncomfortable. He clearly doesn't want that. So give him his options of staying updated about his children and don't put so much pressure on yourself.

Popetthetreehugger · 09/06/2019 20:42

Would school add him to mailing list? Then you can step back . Maybe he is trying to hang on to some power in the Dynamic , by not doing as you ask ? My thoughts are just be polite and indifferent. Enjoy your DC , they grow up so fast x

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 20:45

Thank you it does feel like alot of pressure I feel like his secretary when it comes to the kids. It's through the seesaw app which I gave him the code for at the start of the year but he never downloaded it. I even offered to give him my details to sign in but he just said for me to forward them to him. Even if I tell him dates he always forget I'm constantly having to remind him of dates times etc even though I tell him to add it to his phones calender as I do to. I'm gonna try and take a step back and see if that helps. If will certainly take pressure off me.

OP posts:

TheChildChomper · 09/06/2019 21:32

He sounds like an arse OP. You've done all you can to ensure he still has an active role in his children's lives, but he's been lazy, selfish and entitled and as you say, expects you to be his bloody secretary. Who does he think he is?!

The thing is, you HAVE been enabling his attitude, so now it's time to stop it. Definitely step back. It might just be the kick up the arse he needs.

When he starts whinging that he's missed this event, that play, a presentation etc, just remind him of all the ways you've enabled him to be as involved as he wants but you are not his PA

You sound lovely OP, don't be his door mat though.

Grumpos · 09/06/2019 21:45

Difficult one - you want to show joint support to your children but the reality is you are not.
They will get two Xmas days, too birthday celebrations etc. It’s probably fairer to the kids to try and maintain civil but separate relations. Whilst it would be lovely that all separated parents could be good friends and spend time as a family etc. It’s just not realistic and actually I imagine quite confusing for the children at times.
Continue to be civil and cheerful as and when needed but leave him to manage his side as he needs, probably easier for all concerned in the long run

Grumpos · 09/06/2019 21:48

Missed the bit about your being his secretary- give him details once in writing (txt / email / app - whatever you are using) and if he misses events then he misses them. Stop enabling it, he’s a grown adult and is most likely doing it as a subtle way to dig at you for not taking him back. Even if he has “moved on”.

BackforGood · 09/06/2019 21:50

Yes, YABU wanting him to sit next to you and pretend you are a couple. I think that presents quite a confusing message for young dc.
It is positive that you can both attend the same events, and very gracious of you to keep him informed of all events, but you aren't a couple, and he doesn't want to play happy families with you, which is reasonable and normal.

Original poster

Tinydancer08 · 09/06/2019 22:10

Us sitting side by side doesn't make us look like a couple. He has a partner which the children have met so it doesn't confuse them. I've seen other supporting seperated parents do this. In regards to seperate birthdays/xmas. He chooses to spend Xmas day at my house with the children. (I offered to spilt the day last year but he came down in the morning for opening the presents and collected them after there dinner) And for their birthdays we both attend parties or day out with the kids. Or if nothings planned whoever has them they just spend the day with them.

OP posts:

MaintainTheMolehill · 09/06/2019 22:11

It must be so hard for you op trying to protect the kids from the damage he has done. It's time you realised though that there is only so much you can control and if he wants to act like a selfish arse there isn't a lot you can do about it.
Just concentrate on being the best Mum you can be and tell him you will no longer be passing information onto him as you've already told him how to find out.
It's not your responsibility to ensure he is a decent dad.

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