Regular poster but NC for this.
I feel like a failure and have spent all day crying and not thinking straight, so I am by my own admission somehow unreasonable.
I have received yet another professional rejection.
Bear with me when I give you an overview of the situation. Apologies if it's long but it covers 15 years of my professional and personal life.
I came to the UK years ago after my first degree with a special grant from my native country's government to take a course in a Big City in the UK (this was a very competitive programme for the best and brightest - my native country is a 'first world', developed country, no visa necessary for me to live and work in the UK). The plan was to be in the Big UK City for one year and then go back.
But, of course, as they say, if you want to make the gods laugh, show them your plans!
I met a lovely person, we fell deeply in love and we got married. It made a lot of sense for us to stay in the UK as I spoke English well and was already 'acclimatised' to the country rather than him moving elsewhere with me even if my professional chances, at that moment, were better in my native country.
So I got a job in the Big UK City and all was well. I work in a difficult/competitive/desirable/low funded sector (let's callout sector A) but at the time there was more state support, a happier climate for the industry (and, dare I say, the UK) and, even if I was overqualified for the job which I was doing, it worked well for us. I got a promotion in the first organisation and, after doing an MA in a great UK university alongside my job, I got a good job in a national organisation of worldwide renown. It was a really big step to 'making it'. However, despite this being a great appointment in paper, in reality it made me very unhappy as it was a cut throat, competitive environment.
By then we had a toddler and life in the Big UK City no longer worked for us as a family. My DH got a transfer in a Leafy UK Town, we swapped our city flat for a (small) house there and I left my job to go very part time in an educational organisation in Leafy UK Town and juggling some freelance work. By then we had DC2 and money was tight but we managed and we were happy.
Then, when DC2 was a toddler, I had a stroke of luck and got a job working from home for an important organisation, in a similar sector, let's call it sector B. I was paid well. I ran my own project, got grants and my professional life was, finally, taking off in earnest. I started writing for my peers and organised international events in Sector B. I managed four people and had budget control. We bought a bigger house, we travelled, all happy.
After a few years I decided to do a PhD alongside my job to have better career prospects as I could see my job was in a 'niche' area of the field and, as things stood in the organisation, there was no way for me to progress my career there. So I reduced my hours and got accepted for a competitive doctoral programme at in my field (RG uni) thinking that after it I'd go back to Sector A or got a better job in Sector B.
In the third year of my PhD there was some reshuffling in the organisation in Sector B and I got offered a very senior position in the company, which I did not accept as the position was senior in name only, it was, de facto, being a puppet in the CEO hands.
The CEO and the Board did not take my rejection well and as soon as it was feasible another restructure followed and this time my position was made redundant. I kind of knew that something like that was coming as the CEO is the vindictive type, but the redundancy nevertheless was hard to take as I had done great things in my project, received a few significant grants and raised the profile of the organisation considerably.
At that stage, however, I was not too concerned about losing this job, as I was finishing my doctorate and thought that with my qualifications and past projects I would be (and I quote myself) "flying into a job".