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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Want my Dad nearby

7 replies

Range543 · 09/06/2019 16:38

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, he currently lives in Sheltered accommodation but I'm told he needs more care than can be provide there so I need to look for a residential home. For the last 20 years I have lived 250miles away with my DH and child. Managing my Dads issues from afar has been challenging but I think I've done ok. The last year he has gone deaf which has made things more difficult and it's been harder to keep on top of things.

DH is not keen at all about my Dad coming to live closer to us. It's only a suggestion at the moment but I think he's being unreasonable. It's not like he's moving in with us or that he has that long left to live really. DH is a jealous person and has said he thinks it will cause him a lot of hassle and said I hardly take any notice of him as it is! He is the one glued to work and at most spends 45min in the evening with me watching something he wants to watch. It will be hassle initially but hopefully once my Dad is settled I can go see him in the day whilst DH is at work. DH doesn't understand why I feel so responsible for my Dad. A big big issue is that we no longer have contact with DH's Dad, I admit I am partly to blame for this but I have a very good reason for not wanting that person in my life and my Child's life. DH chooses himself not to contact him but blames me. It's a stressful time, I need DH support not arguments.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 09/06/2019 20:57

Are you the only child ?

Aside from family, does your Dad have a big support network where he lives?

If all the responsibility does fall on you, then it would seem very sensible to look for a Nursing home near you, rather than where he is now. He is going to have to move anyway, so, it makes sense that it is close to you so you can pop in for an hour several times a week, rather than having to travel up there and stay over every week in order to see him.
Your dh is being illogical.
As you say, it isn't as if you are thinking of moving him into your house.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/06/2019 21:00

Sounds like you need to get rid of the husband tbh.

Move dad closer. Spend as much time with him as you can.

Laiste · 09/06/2019 21:02

DH doesn't understand why I feel so responsible for my Dad. A big big issue is that we no longer have contact with DH's Dad, I admit I am partly to blame for this but I have a very good reason for not wanting that person in my life and my Child's life. DH chooses himself not to contact him but blames me.

This sounds like a rather big can of worms OP.

I think you might get better help in 'Relationships' with this post rather than AIBU. It's obvious he's being unreasonable but it sounds like it has a really complicated background.

saraclara · 09/06/2019 21:03

DH is a jealous person and has said he thinks it will cause him a lot of hassle and said I hardly take any notice of him as it is!

He sounds a charmer.

saraclara · 09/06/2019 21:05

What sort of hassle does he think your dad will cause him?

Both my MIL and Mum are in nursing homes. It causes no hassle whatsoever as all their needs are met, and I don't have to do anything other than visit occasionally. Compared to supporting someone in sheltered housing, it's no hassle at all.

WhiteDust · 09/06/2019 21:06

Agree. Husband needs to go.

Gottalovesummer · 09/06/2019 21:09

What a sad situation.

Find somewhere lovely for your dad nearby to you and visit him as often as you want.

It sounds like you'll regret it if you don't.

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