To ask if you are or have been a controlling or abusive person

[ForeverDave]

What, if anything, made you change?

Also, would be interested to hear from anyone who has managed to make progress dealing with someone like this.

If you are someone who is constantly told you are controlling or upsetting to be around...do you just think you're right? Do you think boundaries are silly and get enraged if someone tries to have privacy or autonomy from you?

oneforthepain Yes, I've read a lot on stately homes. When things happen over decades like this you get worn down and accept things and even play along over time. That's why it's very hard to explain to ppl irl who haven't experienced it, they think, well if someone tried that with me I'd tell them to do one! I have stood firm and hit back sometimes but the pressure that comes back is constant.

I think that's a benefit of very low contact, just go in all guns blazing but not often or for long.

wheresmymojo unfortunately you're right about the denial, I have always thought there was a reason and a solution. The co-dependency is certainly there, I think she would would rather have no relationship than one not on her own terms.

Yes I was. Not controlling but an emotional mess, which led to me being emotionally and verbally abusive. I couldn't (still can't to an extent) control my anger and emotions.

I have not had therapy but have spend many years self analyzing, just by picking up on culture becoming alot more emotionally aware and also my job gives me an insight.

I have learnt that most addictive and abusive behaviours come from parental neglect or abuse. In my case my mum had the attitude that she was not going let her children rule her and despised mothers who fussed around their children. Therefore her whole style of parenting was too ignore me, snap at me and tell me off. My whole childhood. I was never told that I was loved, rarely shown affection and genuinely was baffled that anyone should like their family.

I went on the replicate this with boyfriends while clinging to them so they didn't leave me.

I am now with dh who treats me like dm did. I am self aware enough to never treat our child with any less than love, kindness or respect. But I can still lose it with dh, but have learnt that being spoken to with lack of respect triggers me. I still have much work to do, but am hoping to shield dd from it.

In short, I have for the most part turned myself around, but think that this takes alot of soul searching (and the right external influences).

I ended up being controlling with my ex.

Out of necessity.

If he'd had his way, we would have maxed out 50k on credit cards that we couldn't afford for him to gamble on the stock market buying options, or when it was going badly, buying drugs to block out reality.

So while I was technically financially abusive, it was for the right reasons.

OP I've watched a close friend go through something similar.

She tried everything to get to the bottom of the family dynamics and solve them - even persuading them to go to 'full family' counselling sessions where the three of them would go to counselling together.

After five painful years of trying everything she has finally gone no contact. Before she did it she genuinely thought it would be the worst thing ever - once it was done she just felt relief.

I'd definitely recommend looking up the 'Stately Homes' threads if only for the reading list at the beginning.

If your DM doesn't even see she's wrong, there's no way you can change her or 'fix' things.

Sorry, have just seen you've read the SH threads x