To just want to be on my own

[Itsjeremycorbynsfault]

Just that really, my partner and I have known each other for 11 years but have been in a relationship for nearly five years. During which time we have had two children.

If I'm brutally honest I was in a bad place when we started the relationship and neither pregnancies were planned (I was chaotic I admit)

However, I have made substantial steps in changing my life around to break the cycle of chaotic parenting for my children (I was brought up by an emotionally, physically and sexually abusing mother) but my partner seems stuck in the mood.

To be fair, I was pretty bad with alcohol and cocaine when we met back up again and I feel everything happened so fast. I am not that person anymore and would love to just be on my own. Not because they're is anyone else (I wouldn't under any circumstances have another man in my children's lives because of personal experience)

I have tried to break free a few months ago but the logistics were so complicated. Also, I am sick and tired or being accused of cheating on him and that's a major red flag isn't it? I also get the third degree on why I wear make up and do my hair for work. There are lots of other snide comments as well

Not sure what the point of my post is other than tips for leaving a relationship

They're = there mistake before anyone gets excited 😂

Start looking at your financial/legal/housing rights so you can make a plan which means you and the kids have a home.
Can you see a solicitor to go through your options?
Do you own or rent? And in whose name?
Do you work? Can you work more? Do you have childcare?
These are the things I'd be sorting out.
Sounds like you have changed and developed and outgrown the relationship. And that's ok.
It's good to actually sort out the logistics so you can then tell him it's over when you're prepared.

I rent in my name and work full time but I would initially miss his income coming in in meeting financial obligations for perhaps a month or two,that's what worries me.

It's not just the financial discussion, how do you go about telling someone you want to break away?

You might want to ask to move the thread to Relationships, you'll get good advice there. Report your own post and for it to be moved.

If the relationship is abusive you will want to get your ducks in a row well before saying anything to DP.

Its not easy, but it is simple
You need to be honest and then firm
'This isn't working anymore. I'm sorry, but I want us to seperate'
Don't say, 'I think'. Don't leave any room for doubt. Because otherwise he won't get it.
In the end it is kinder to you both to be honest and rip off the plaster.
I know everyone says get your ducks in a row first, but, unless you have good reason to believe that he will be dangerous, I would seize the moment and just do it.
You will manage. You and your children will be fine. And the minute he is out of the door you will be able to breathe again.
Break ups are horrible and no one wants to be the bad guy, but, in the end, it is kinder to be brutally honest than to pussy foot about, hoping that they will get the hint. If it's not what they want, they just won't get it.

Are you worried about how he will react? Do you have any concerns about things turning nasty or violent?

Also, I am sick and tired or being accused of cheating on him and that's a major red flag isn't it? I also get the third degree on why I wear make up and do my hair for work. There are lots of other snide comments as well

Sounds like coercive control (i.e. Abuse). It's about having power and control over you, in whichever subtle or obvious ways he can find to exert that control and get you to change your behaviour.

You need to figure that out in your own mind, but the Freedom Programme can help you understand it, see it clearly, and give you the knowledge to protect yourself and the children. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

What's happened when you tried to break free before? Threats? Manipulation? Promises? Sob story?

If there is any amount of controlling (abusive) behaviour, which there certainly seems to be, it's best to make all your plans and arrangements and then just act. Women's Aid can help in talking through practicalities (0808 2000 247).

If you're telling him to leave - and it's telling, not asking, not discussing, not getting into debate, calmly telling - do you have somebody who could be with you in case he kicks off?

Then change the locks.

Looking longer term, Freedom Programme could also help with making sure the patterns you want to change are changed, and that you have the power to deal with any lingering effects on yourself and the children. It's not therapy, just info, so there's no standing up to share your life story. But they are supportive and won't judge.

Can I firstly say a huge (and not patronising) congratulations for realising you were chaotic and have landed yourself in an EA relationship. And that you realise you need to break free and are doing so for your children. .

Other advice is great here.

Collect paperwork.
Find out what you are entitled to in the interim financially whilst you find your new life.
Contact woman's aid.
Contact shelter to ask about housing options.

It won't be easy but it'll be worth it in the end

I also found the info from the Money Advice Service (the one set up by gov) helpful when I was trying to figure out what to do:

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en

And www.turn2us.org.uk

You can do it, I have recently left mine. It's hard financially but we are ok.

I know we will be better off in the long term x

Agree with PP re the emotional side. Just tell him kindly - you are not in love with him any more and you will be separating. Does he have anywhere to go short term? Parents/friends?

If he kicks off in any way, you need to be firm. Bin bag his stuff and change the locks.

Financially, does he work? He will need to give you 20% of his net pay ( I think/may have changed) plus you may be entitled to UC. Check out the entitledto website to see what benefits you could get. Child maintenance is not included in calculations for benefits.

Good luck