To feel upset that my mum keeps going on about my weight?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Every time I see my mum (which isn’t often as she lives 4 hours away) she mentions my weight. She also mentions it when we’re not together, so on the phone etc...I feel like it’s all she ever talks about.
Every single conversation comes back to that.

Yes I’ve put weight on, but I also had a baby 8 months ago!

She keeps comparing me to when I was a teenager/early twenties.

I realise I have an unhealthy relationship with food, I use it for comfort etc. However, I also feel my family have an equally unhealthy relationship with it, my mother in particular doesn’t allow herself to have any treats, maybe once a week and even then it isn’t a real treat.
This is the sort of person who thinks a jam sandwich is a treat and feels guilty afterwards.

I don’t know what to do, as it’s becoming unbearable feeling the need to justify my choices all the time.

So stop. Don't engage, don't listen, don't give her chance to do it. I know it's hard shutting parents down because we're duty-bound to be polite to them, but just "we're not talking about that, Mum" repeatedly til she gets it isn't rude, it's just straightforward, and if she gets upset then that's on her, not on you.

The only caveat to this is could she be doing it because she's worried about your health? However, her very restricted relationship with "treat" foods doesn't sound like that.

I had similar with my Mother In Law but she kept telling me I was too thin. I've lost 5.5 stone and feel bloody proud of myself, anyway, she would tell me every time I saw her that I "needed a good feed" and other such advice..i had to tell her really firmly that she needed to get used to me at this size because I'm planning on staying this way! She hasn't mentioned it again. I think you should say words to that effect to your Mam.

Sounds nasty - unless you have actually put on a huge amount of weight recently?

@FudgeBrownie2019 Yes she says she’s doing it under the guise of ‘looking out for me’ or worrying about me getting diabetes etc. But it doesn’t seem like that half the time.

@FudgeBrownie2019 Yes she says she’s doing it under the guise of ‘looking out for me’ or worrying about me getting diabetes etc. But it doesn’t seem like that half the time.

@ThePerturbedPenguin I’ve put on weight, but not suddenly. I could do with losing a few stone & maybe drop a dress size or two but I want to do it under my own steam.

Tell her once and firmly that you don't want to talk about your weight with her and you'd prefer it if she didn't mention it- explain that it isn't helping and is just making you feel shit. After that if she brings it up, give one warning if you're feeling generous then put the phone down/exit the conversation. She'll learn eventually.
The hard thing about boundaries is enforcing them, especially with parents etc when you're not used to it.

I had this from my mum. Among other things, I came to realize that it was the old fashioned expectation that you had to look good for your husband.

Please, please don't take it to heart. I know that is the easiest advice to give, and the hardest to put into practice, but her issues must only be allowed to impact herself. What she is doing, no matter what she says, is not looking after you - it's putting you down to justify her own damaging beliefs.

You have just had a baby, how wonderful - your body is strong, powerful, a giver of life. That is incredibly beautiful, and you absolutely deserve to love yourself. I agree with the pp, set boundaries - every time she raises it, hang up the phone or walk away. She will learn, and if she doesn't, you save yourself a lot of grief that you do not, ever, deserve. If it's too much, walk away for the sake of your beautiful child and your beautiful self.

I'd say it's her issue rather than yours if she has a less than happy relationship with food. The things my mother likes to pick away at me for tend to be the the things she has difficulty with in her own life. Ignore! (And don't perpetrate the cycle by doing the same to your children. I often catch myself when I'm about to say something to my children about some minor issue, and then I realise that's something I have a problem with, and they are actually perfectly lovely individuals with their own personalities and parental judgement is very rarely helpful).

Well, are you very overweight? My dd is only a very slim teen at the moment but I have to confess that if she started to put on weight then I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from saying something and trying to get her to do something about it.

I couldn't blame a parent for worrying about their child If they had gained an unhealthy amount of weight.
You say you need to lose a few stone. That could mean a wide range of things.

Yes, it's understandable that a parent would be concerned if their DD became very overweight, but the issue here is that the OP's DM talks about it all the time. The OP knows that she's overweight and needs to do something about it. Her DM should do what she's asked and leave the subject alone.

I've struggled with weight issues for most of my life (I'm a yo-yo dieter) and my DM has always had too much to say about it. My weight problems are very much tied up with low self-esteem and comfort eating (as a result of my childhood abuse). I know when I'm overweight and don't need other people pointing it out to me.

I don't think anybody loses weight as a result of someone constantly going on about how they need to go on a diet.

@notcontent and @contraceptionismyfriend I’m a size 18-20. Yes I was a very slim teen, but we were restricted a lot of foods growing up. I feel that’s created my unhealthy relationship with food, amongst other things.
Surely there’s a better way of her showing her concern than keep dropping it into every conversation, saying I don’t look well, saying how I still look pregnant and it’s not an attractive look and so on.

She keeps harping back to when I was a size 10-12, when I was a teen.
Things do change and I’m never going to be that size again. I’m happy being curvy and ‘plus size’, however I’d like to lose some weight around my tummy and drop to a size 16 ideally.
But I find it very difficult at the moment as I’m always so tired due to lack of sleep, have no time because of being with my 8 month old constantly by myself all day long while OH is at work and no family nearby, plus I’m breastfeeding, which means I always feel hungry.

I'd be very worried about my child's health if they had gone up that much clothes wise. I can see why she's worried.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss Not over a few months, that’s years. I’m currently almost 30. So I was a size 10 probably 14 years ago.
I went on the pill when I left uni and was in a long term relationship and then the weight piled on and I couldn’t shift it. Fast forward to now, I’ve had a baby, I’m not a fan of exercise and do comfort eat due to self esteem issues and on going anxiety/depression.
But as I said in a previous reply further up, I’ll be happy with a small weight loss/get slightly fitter, I’m not looking at getting back to a size 10 at all. It’s not my aim, it’s my mum’s!

I think OP's weight is actually academic here. It's pretty clear that that her morher has issues around food and eating that were inherent in the home when OP was growing up and forming her own relationships with the same. Ergo her mother has actually set OP up for problems with food herself, to bring her weight up is the least helpful thing she could do.

Cathy, please ignore your mother. Your body and your relationship with it is your own, you are an adult and whatever decisions you make about it are your own and nobody else's.

Perhaps just say something like I know you mean well mum but I don't want to discuss this?

Even if she is worried, there is no need to harp on about it all the time. Could you tell her the subject is off limits? I ended up doing this with my mum. She thinks I am very unreasonable but she does respect it, which is good enough for me.

Do people here seriously think that overweight adult people don't know that they're overweight and need to be told?

?

Your mum is projecting her issues onto food onto you. Sounds like she's done that as you were growing up and given you a bit of an issue already so no wonder you don't want her driving it home. In all likelihood her restrictive food regime as you grew up contributed to your weight issues now and her harping on about it is never going to be helpful.

I'd probably tell her that you know she means well but you're well aware of your weight and don't wish to discuss it with her. Remind her every single time she brings it up. Don't engage her in a discussion, not even making reasonable points (e.g. but I just had a baby). Don't justify yourself to her at all. Just shut her down every time.

I think all you can do is ask her to stop mentioning it. It's not helping.

Sambaileys well done losing 5.5st. Can I ask how you did it and how long it took? Ive got a spare 3 I'd love to lose but it's easier said than done.