Childcare - can't cope

[QueenDL]

I am at my wits end trying to work out how I can work!

I work full-time in mental health. I have to use annual leave for bank holidays and xmas etc. I only started a few months ago but I love it.

I also work part-time in a pub, 2 evenings a week. For this I pay a babysitter which means I earn only a small amount from it. This is more for a social life.My babysitter leaves for uni in Sept so can't help with any days after that. She can only work evenings so doesn't help with school hols.

I am a solo mum (husband died by suicide in 2017) and my kids are 9 and 4.

I just can't cope with all the holidays - 8 of my annual leave days are taken up by bank holidays as school/nursery are obviously closed. Then there's xmas and the xmas holidays. Plus all the inset days, days needed for sports day etc.

DD2 starts school Sept which makes it easier and cheaper.

However I don't know how I can possibly be off for the 8 bank holidays, xmas, the period between xmas and new year, plus any inset days! The year runs 01 Apr-01 Apr and I have 10 days left!

I've already had to take 2 weeks in Sept for DD starting school as she's doing half days and they don't tie in with work half days (ie. DD is doing 845-12.30, my work half day is 9.30-1.15 or 1.15-5, but it's an approx 40 minute commute each way)

I can cover the half terms and summer with using holiday club, which will cost more than I earn and means I won't get time off with the kids but it's manageable.

I don't have any family on my side or my late husband's as they are all either extremely unsafe and abusive and/or mentally ill, or unsuitable for various reasons.

I have no local friends and the school mums I know use holiday clubs, partners or grandparents.

I just don't know what to do - I don't want to leave my job and I can't stay off work until they're both old enough to come home themselves!

Next year I'm looking at using 8 days for bank holidays, 12 for the xmas period, 2 for inset days that I know of, 1 for sports day, half a day per child's birthday so that I see them for more than an hour before bed, 2 days because they finish early for summer and xmas, 4 to cover the end of the summer hols as holiday club finishes end Aug and then I'm out of annual leave!

Work are pretty good with letting me have a day off if the kids are ill, as long as it's not more than a day or two and I don't take the mickey by doing it all the time.

Not entitled to time off for dependents as I haven't worked there long enough according to the policy and gov.uk

Any ideas anyone please? I feel like my poor kids barely see me as every school holiday instead of going away with me or days out or even seeing me, they're at holiday club every day! Then term time they see me for less than 2 hours before bed.

Why are you using annual leave for bank holidays? They are and should be separate paid days to annual leave.

I agree the September start is your problem

Ask school to take her full days

Does DD have any friends who’s mums could help for the half days? Offer a few quid?

Or even offer a child swap arrangement over the holidays

Bank holidays are a non-issue. They are normal days. If it is included in your holidays then you get less 'other' holidays so it makes no difference.
For inset days/christmas days - any holiday club that you can use? Any other parents you could share childcare with?
I didn't take any time off for sports days this year - seriously not worth it!

It sounds really tough OP. Do you get tax credits to cover child care?
Could you look for a job in a school? Then you'd get the holidays off. That's what I did when my oldest started school. Couldn't cope otherwise.

If you work for the NHS please speak to your work. They need nurses and, in my experience, will help you navigate through the various policies to find what may work.

If you're in the NHS then the leave you use up for bank holidays has already been added on to your leave allowance, so it's a non-issue.

If you've only got 10 data left, can I ask what you've used the other leave on already? That's not meant to sound snarky. I'm an NHS worker and manage ok by using holiday clubs and annual leave. Christmas is the bugger as there don't tend to holiday clubs available, so I take what leave I can at that time, then spread the rest out over the year. It's tough, I know!

Bank holidays still have to be taken to cover the childcare - that’s 8 days a year - if you work partime that’s a lot of days off

If there a college near you OP or university teens (who don’t go back til October) someone studying childcare or nursing who could help out?

For PT it is different - depends on working pattern. If you do Tues-wedn-thursday then you probably get a good deal re bank hols. If you do Monday and Friday not so much. But FT it makes no difference - either you get say 28 or 30 days incl bank holidays so 8 set days and 20/22 to 'choose, or you get 28 or 30 days and then use 8 for bank holidays and again choose the rest..

Check with ACAS about your leave entitlement. I thought there was a certain amount of unpaid leave allowed for parents over the lifetime of their career?

Oh and yes you can use parental leave to help with some of the required time off. It is unpaid though.

I used to take unpaid leave for school holidays, might be worth asking though difficult to get.

I agree that you need to ask the school to take DD full time. Ours was optional and seeing as I became a single parent the year she started Reception, I put her in full time from the start. She was already in preschool for 3 days anyway.

I used after school club 1 Night a week, and other clubs as she got older.

As others have said, holiday entitlement has changed and is now worded that you get 8 days to include bank holidays and that it’s not compulsory for an employer to pay you for them now, so if you’re not due to work on a BH then you don’t have to take it.

Hopefully DD will make friends and you might find that another mum will have her on inset days. I always have done that for friends as I work at home on inset days.

Op have you considered working part time? I would also drop the pub work and go once a week socially.

Your children really do need to have you around, they lost their father, and if you are away from them every minute of the day then they may feel they have lost you too.

You speak of your pub work being good for you, and your wellbeing, but your dc also need to stay well.

You sound very stressed and overwhelmed op. Not surprising given what you have been through, but time to calmly take a step back and think about scaling back mpg adding more?

Sometimes we deal with grief and distraction with being very very busy. Too busy to feel anything.
for you

I agree with the au-pair advice, they can be really helpful (or hard work, you need to have the right expectations!)

Or really ask local mums. I relay a lot on SAH friends to take my kids on inset day, election day (we just had 2!) and swap with other working friends for some holidays - one week or half a week I take theirs, the other half they take mine.

Some mums might be looking for someone who could babysit over the weekend in exchange for them babysitting over the holiday.

It's a non-stop juggle, there's no ideal solution.

Oh, op, I have no advice but just wanted to say I sympathise. You sound so busy and stressed, and you and the dc have been through a lot. I hope you can find a solution.

Check you’re claiming all the benefits you’re entitled to, and ask your employer if there’s anything they can do to help.

Check your benefits and check that you don't get a discount on some summer play schemes if you are single or widowed. A couple of the church run ones near me offer reduced (and I mean very reduced) rates for single parents
Sainsburys are also running holiday schemes in some areas.
I would also see if you can either find a CAB officer or a charity to help you make sure that you are claiming everything you and the children are entitled to.
I don't mean to sound ivory tower like but if you can take in an aupair could you rent out to a lodger instead to help with bills or is space an issue.
Good luck Summer is a nightmare for childcare

thanks for the replies :)

I considered a childminder for the school holidays but they charge £7 per hour for both, so it's actually cheaper to use holiday clubs. They also mostly don't work the xmas hols.

I can't go part time in this job unfortunately :( it's all or nothing.

It's not the NHS it's a charity. I get 32 days annual leave and if I want to be off for bank holidays, I have to use some of that annual leave.

I didn't realise DD could start on full days!!!! When my eldest started (different city at the time) it was normal practice to start on full days, so I was shocked DD2 didn't. I had no idea she could start full time!!! Will definitely be asking for this, thank you :)

It's not so much the cost (though that is an issue) it's the availability of the childcare. Needing it for xmas hols, bank hols etc.

I can't afford an au pair, though wish I could as that would be ideal. It's such a struggle.

I literally have nobody. In the whole world I have 2 good friends, one lives in the pub I work at, and the other lives an hour away, with 3 of her own, so neither can offer childcare.

I wish I had friends :(

You can get au pairs just for the summer if that's any use, think its roughly 100 per week plus a room for them and food. Exact amount depends on hours and tasks and sometimes they want an English language course. Quality can vary a lot but yours are both of an age where they can communicate issues to you esp. older one.

Your children really do need to have you around, they lost their father, and if you are away from them every minute of the day then they may feel they have lost you too.

They also need a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs and food on the table. I'm sure OP is already acutely aware of what her DC have lost. She shouldn't have to feel guilty for working to provide for them.

You don't need friends, just ask the other school mums? Is there a Facebook group for your kids year? I have used favours from the other mums and returned favours too, they're not friends per say but we help each other.
Otherwise you can take parental leave - up to 4 weeks per year per child unpaid to a max of 18 weeks per child in your working life.

It's not the NHS it's a charity. I get 32 days annual leave and if I want to be off for bank holidays, I have to use some of that annual leave.

Now that you have some experience working in a Mental Health setting you could look at joining an agency that books shifts for HCA's or Support Workers on Mental Health inpatient units. That way you can choose the shifts that suit you, no obligation to work bank holidays or Christmas. Also look at doing bank shifts with your local NHS mental health trust. I know a lot of Nurses and HCA's who've given up permanent positions for the flexibility of bank/agency work.