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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only have one child

44 replies

RR90 · 07/06/2019 16:54

I've planned to have 2 children for a long time but now that I've had my first I don't think I want another. It's never really crossed my mind before, I was always sure I would have more than one. She's only 3 months old so plently of time to reconsider or change my mind but it's going through my mind right now so I thought I would post about it. I became pregnant with DD after TTC for 3 years and 2 miscarriages, whilst I was happy to be pregnant in general I didn't enjoy, I was miserable and worried throughout. I hate the thought of going through it all again. However I don't have much experience of only children, I have 4 siblings of my own (I only grew up with 3 of them though) and I can only think of a few people I know who have no siblings. Those that I have met have spoken about wanting a sibling, being quite lonely as a child. Whilst I can remember wishing I was an only child many times growing up most of my favourite memories include my siblings and I'd of probably been bored and lonely without them. I think having siblings helped me quite a bit socially, I was a very shy child, I think playing and interacting with them helped me when it came to other children. But then I know there would also be positives, being able to focus soley on one child, having more money. DH would prefer to have two but is understanding of how I feel

I'm interested in people's experience of being or having an only child

OP posts:

Yogagirl123 · 07/06/2019 19:38

Do what’s right for you.

We have two children. For us it was right, we had a very close age gap.

I know parents who have only had one child and have made that choice for valid reasons.

We also have friends who lost their only child. It doesn’t make a loss any easier, but if you have another child/children you still have a reason to get up in the morning. Their words not mine.

AdamAntsCrackpotHistory · 07/06/2019 19:38

Am the daughter of an only, am an only, and have an only!! We are all three happy with that. Sometimes as a younger girl I wanted an older brother, but only so he could duff up the playground bullies!

PhossyJaw · 07/06/2019 21:17

Yeah, Yoga, have a spare child in case one of them dies? That’s an even poorer idea than ‘Have a child to look after you when you’re old’.

BertieBotts · 07/06/2019 22:07

Wait and see how your child is by the time they are about one, it's not a decision you have to make immediately anyway. DS1 really could have done with a sibling. He's always been intensely social and really craved attention and needed company since he was very little. He was quite challenging between the ages 3-5 and I think at that stage if he'd had a sibling it would have done him the world of good, and taken the pressure off me a bit.

Circumstances did not provide the occasion, and I ended up having DS2 when he was 10. DS2 is totally different and a very content little soul with his own company. He loves to "chat" away to us and communicates but he will also go off and do things entirely on his own, he's been happy in his own company pretty much since birth, he does have his clingy moments but generally if he's awake and happy, he'll go off on his own and not be bothered by other people. I think he would have been totally fine and happy as an only child.

I also though think that only children can generally be fine, it's much more important IMO to be happy with the family situation as parents. The experience of having an only child is very different to having children and both have pros and cons.

gamerwidow · 07/06/2019 22:37

We also have friends who lost their only child. It doesn’t make a loss any easier, but if you have another child/children you still have a reason to get up in the morning. Their words not mine.

I have a friend who is a mother of four and lost one child 2 years ago. Having other children hasn't made her pain any less, she still has days where she wants to lie on her daughters grave and never get up.

Fatted · 07/06/2019 22:43

If it's what you want, it's what you want. There's nothing wrong with your reasons for not having anyone.

3 months is pretty early days. At 3 months after my eldest, I had the evil colicky child from hell and I was never, ever having another. By 18 months I was pregnant again.

My first pregnancy was great, birth was shit and newborn stage was the stuff of nightmares. With DS2, pregnancy was terrible and put me off for life, birth was fine and newborn stage was nice too. But I'll never do it again now.

Charlottejade89 · 07/06/2019 23:42

I'm having the same dilemma. My dd is 10 months old now, and I'm just starting to really enjoy her. I hated pregnancy and had 3 days of waiting an a horrendous induction birth. Then she had colic and was generally whingey as hell until she started crawling at 7 months. Now shes doing more I love spending g my days with her but when I think about the newborn stage I really dont know if I can do it all again, although I would hate for my daughter to be an older child. I have another year to think about it though as we wouldn't be wanting to conceive until after our wedding next summer

Geekster1963 · 07/06/2019 23:50

Like you OP I've got three sisters and a brother and we were close growing up (still are).

We have one DD after six miscarriages before her then I went through an early menopause when she was 18 months old. We wanted another child but it wasn't going to happen for us. She's 7 and seems happy I make sure she gets to play with other children and I make sure I play games and run around with her too. She's got lots of cousins though we don't se them ever so often as we don't live ever so near each other.

I still feel guilty at times that she's an only one, even though it was out of our hands and I just try and give her a happy childhood.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/06/2019 23:51

In short: You wouldn't be unreasonable to have only one child.

That said, you should try to figure out the root of what's causing this. Is it the stress of the early months? Anxiety? The sheer realism that your life will never be the same again? A traumatic birth experience or just simply wanting to stick to one?

You need to listen to yourself and not be hijacked or guided by what you perceive to be the expectations of others or the norm. I have 4 sisters and grew up in a very film-style 'sisters together' type of thing. We are all very close and frankly I know I have 4 alibis should I happen to bury a body.

All that said, I don't have any of my own and frankly wonder how my parents managed it all.

Original poster

RR90 · 08/06/2019 22:53

Thank you for the replies, I suppose it's more to do with my experience of pregnancy and TTC as she's only 3 months old and whilst it's not been easy I've really enjoyed being a mum

OP posts:

hammeringinmyhead · 08/06/2019 23:06

YANBU. I had a decent pregnancy and quick birth with tens/gas and air but I never want to go through the nervous days before scans, stitches, peeing blood into a bedpan in a hospital toilet, getting a tiny baby to latch, "baby blues" (a few days my ass), or being up 5-6 times a night ever again. I didn't want another before, being a happy only, and definitely don't now!

It really comes down to personality as to how kids get on as only children. I'm very introverted and find other people exhausting, however nice they are. My friend who grew up with a sister gets bored at home after 30 minutes. I don't know if those traits are nature or nurture.

Dreamingofkfc · 08/06/2019 23:10

I'm an only child - I hated it. I constantly asked for a sibling as a child and wish even more now that I had a brother or sister. Not that you can guarantee a close relationship but seeing the bond between my three is amazing.

EnglishRose13 · 08/06/2019 23:15

I was similar after having my son. He's now three and the urge to have another has suddenly hit me and it's so strong I feel like it's consuming me. I've just started a new job though and I'm one exam away from completing my professional qualification so it's just not the right time.

Me point being, you may change you mind but there is no right or wrong.

Talisin · 08/06/2019 23:28

I’m an only and never felt I missed out (no close family with cousins either). Of my two best friends growing up, one had two older brothers and the other two younger sisters, I was incredibly grateful my patents stopped with me!

Lofari · 09/06/2019 03:34

Depends on the person. I have 2 sisters. They hate one another. Havent spoken in years. I speak to both but we arent close at all. My DH has 2 brothers and similar story.
We have 3 DC and they all adore one another.....luck of the draw I guess.

MrsxRocky · 09/06/2019 04:04

My mum was an only child and was very lonely which is why she had me and my sister.
But was for wrong reasons.
She had 2 so we would entertain each other and be friends and take the load off her.
We argued like hell as she gave us no understanding for different personalities or having different needs.
We are adults and don't speak now either.
Only have any child if its what you want 100% and that you can give the child the time and love and attention they need in life.
A sibling shouldn't ever be a baby sitter

Mummaofmytribe · 09/06/2019 04:19

You do you. No right or wrong here.
I had five.
My two DDs each had a baby in the last few years. Both adamant that they're sticking at one.
I can certainly see the advantages of that,. My GC are very happy little things. They certainly don't seem to me to be missing out on anything.
They play with each other on visits and mix with heaps of other kids at nursery as they will later at school.
I don't think anyone should go for a subsequent baby because you think you "should".

GeorgiaGirl52 · 09/06/2019 04:49

I'm an only child and I had a wonderful childhood. Loving parents, loads of friends, lovely holidays. I never missed having a sibling and I'm 46 now.

Same here. I am 66 now. I had two children because everyone said kids need siblings. they both are adults now with only one child each.

WMPAGL · 09/06/2019 06:24

Another happy 'only' here, planning to have an only (I'll then be burnishing my 'green' credentials on that every time I fancy a steak or a plane ride!)

My life would have been very different with a sibling, and who can say whether for better or worse? All I know is I'm living a very happy life.

I sometimes envied friends who had our have close relationships with their siblings, but have equally thanked my lucky stars when seeing the horrible, toxic relationships other friends have with theirs - totally unpredictable swings and roundabouts, I'd say!

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