Tantrums with 7 year old and threatening to kill herself

[nowheretorunorhide]

Not AIBU, but on other threads i'm getting no replies.

My daughter is 7 and we have been living in a refuge since March after leaving an abusive relationship and her witnessing violence towards her 3 year old brother. She's very good at school and always caring towards other children. over the last week she's started having tantrums over very silly things, which escalate to full blown melt downs very quickly. I explain my reasons with her why she's lost privileges etc, encourage breathing to calm her down, but it's getting me down a lot and her brother is now copying some of the things she says. She has told me he wishes i'm dead, i'm evil, she wants to be dead, she will kill herself, she will jump out the car etc. I told the refuge who have sorted play therapy and her school who have sorted out a therapist.

I'm not sure what to do with her when she has these meltdowns, I believe she should lose privileges, I tell her it's ok to be angry and try to get her to identify her emotions, but with the abuse and my own MH problems I don't know if i'm doing a good job helping her. I had a hard childhood and have BPD myself which I've had treatment for and manage well, but I can see she is so much like me and I don't want her to end up with BPD like myself and have years struggling with her emotions. I really want to help her through this and be the support she needs.

My daughter can have mega meltdowns. I once describe them as almost like 'a seizure' - as in she can't always control them and simply stop. We can't always just stand back and let it happen especially if we are out in busy places (for her safety not because I care what other people think). I try to get a hold of her and hold her tight and do things like stroke her hair and say calmly "you need to calm down". She may be kicking and screaming and biting but I keep going (it's hard - those teeth can be painful). Eventually she will calm and it's almost like an off switch happens. I tell her it's OK and we carry on with whatever we were doing. I often find that later on at bedtime if I say something like "what was that all about eh?" and she might be able to talk.
Punishment is generally no good as she isn't being naughty on purpose. We have got better at recognising triggers so can hopefully step in before it happens .
I hope you get re housed soon.

@Bluerussian

Just saying what worked for me, being in OP's daughter's exact position. It's not wrong to fight a little with love, as other posters have mentioned.

When she hides under her bed and tells you to go away, give her a bit of distance and sit on the floor and say calmly, "mummy's not going to go away but I will sit here until you are ready to come and talk to me". She will come out.

Consequences are dependant on why she is have the meltdown. If she's asked for sweets and you've said no and she kicks off. Ignore. She will get over it. If she is genuinely angry about something or upset about something. Stay calm, let her calm down and speak to her when she's ready to. If she destroying anything or hurting you etc, move her to a quiet place and say "please stay here and calm down a bit. When you are calm you can come and tell mummy why you're so angry."

I teach my children that all emotions are normal and that everyone experiences them, however, it is never ok to hurt anybody or be nasty to anybody. If that happens there are consequences.

There is some great ideas to try. I hate how she's having to struggle like this, she really is the most sweet and caring little girl.

And she has a very sweet and caring Mum from the sounds of it. You're doing everything you can, for both your children, and for yourself. You've got a hard row to how at the moment, and I have profound respect for how strong and proactive you have been in getting yourself and your children safe. Be kind to yourself, please.

I know what you mean, OP. I hated it that my dd has had to grow up disabled and will always be in pain. But she has a good quality of life now, and I know my hanging in there made a difference.

Your dd has a great mum. It will make a difference, you will be able to look back on this and think I helped her out of that dark place.

If she destroying anything or hurting you etc, move her to a quiet place and say "please stay here and calm down a bit.

Hannah, this may not work if the child is having a genuine meltdown rather than a tantrum. When my dd was having a meltdown, she was quite incapable of understanding instructions.

Have you really got any experience of PTSD? Because you seem to think that the trigger is what the meltdown is about. When my dd, or my db, were little, anything could be a trigger. But the real, hidden reason was that the pressure had built up to a point where it could no longer be contained. Kicking off over a sweet doesn't mean the dd's OP isn't really trying to live out the agony of watching her violent father attack her little brother.

Expecting her to be able to tell mummy what the meltdown was about also sounds unrealistic.

And punishing somebody for something that is, at the moment, a mental health condition, really does seem unfair. The truth is that (in a sense) all emotions are not normal. Having been through what this little girl has been through is not normal.