to be upset at DF's comments?

[julezboo]

We was just emailing back and forth trying to figure out which week would be best for him to take off during the summer holidays.

I chose the 6th-10th cos the weekend just before we are travelling up north to visit my mum, after our abandoned trip this weekend because of the flooding.

We are visiting his mum this weekend. And he started whinging saying that we will end up spending the week there, cos I always change my mind at last minute. I promised him I wouldnt even tell my mum he had time off so we could come home monday etc...

I told him he's out of order for whinging about going to see my family, when they are always nice to him, my mum never interefers, never expects us to pay for things and gives up space. She's not overbaring at all. And I really am not just saying that.

However last summer I lived through hell with MIL, she was constantly putting me down, calling me allsorts, interferring with DS, told me I am a bad mother and my kids will grow up to resent me I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and threatening mc, it was honestly the last thing I need. But I put up with it for 6 whole weeks because its his mother and she has no one else. And again at the beginning of June she stayed with us for two weeks, although it wasnt as bad this time, she never did say sorry about the summer before to me. So it was still strained. I didnt ONCE moan about it. I was at home with her on both occasions because DF still had to go to work.

He's just told me I only ever think about myself, so long as Im happy Yet i spend my days being a housewife, even when DS isnt in school I still take DF to work because he likes me to be there when he finishes. I know its horrible but sometimes I dont even hav e time to wash and do my hair properly because Im always on the go. I can't remember the last time I did anything for me.

He told me he had a shit first fathers day because we was at my dads. My dad is in the middle of watching his brother slowly die, i guess I figured it would cheer my dad up to have me and the kids there, we was down that way anyway the day before visiting my brothers new baby. I asked DF over and over and over if he minded and he said no he didnt. He refused to open his presents and cards at my dads.

I just feel like i can't do anything to make him happy. He doesnt like to do things without me, Ive offered to go visit my family on my own with the kids but he says "but I'll miss you, I'll come" then spends the whole weekend with a face on.

What the hell do I do, Im not superwoman, I moved 200 miles to south wales to buy his mums house and so he could go back to a job he loved!! He can't expect me not to want to go back and visit my family

Sorry its long, Im in tears, Im ignoring his IM's signed out of chat I dont know what to do!

That sounds so awful. You need to tell him how you feel and make him listen. He sounds very controlling and a bit like a spoilt child who sulks if he can't get his own way.

What is DF?
If it is 'Dear Fiance' I would have a rethink to be honest.
I agree with Nab - he does sound very controlling. Getting you to pick him up from work (how old is he FFS), not doing things without you etc would send warning bells.
You are sacrificing your life and happiness to be at his beck and call - moving all that way for his job. What about you and your needs? You need a serious talk with him and maybe even relationship counselling imo

Jst read your profile.
Maybe things just moved too fast and you are now realising you aren't compatible?

Sorry am confused - who is DF? Not Dear Father obviously?

Yes Lucy, last week he asked me.

I logged out of gmail chat basically cos I wasnt gonna sit there whilst he went on like that, I just went back onto gmail and there was an email from him saying "ha you silly little child"

Half of me doesnt want to go pick him up today but I might just be late.

If someone called me that they would be walking home! Being late will make you feel better for about 3 seconds and then he will sulk the rest of the day because of it. Am I right? Is it worth it? Talk to him! He is an idiot!

WHO IS DF????????????

Hope you don't mind me joining in as I am not a regular on Mumsnet - too worried about getting addicted

I just wanted to say that you have my total sympathy as your DF sounds just like my father. How my mother has put up with him for the last 42 years is anybody's guess. He won't do anything without her and then spends the whole time with a face like a wet weekend.

I would try and talk to him and tell him that actually you aren't happy, you have had enough of trying to keep everybody else happy and that you want some time to yourself occasionally. Think about how you would like things to be and then see if you can talk to him to change a few things.

I hope your day improves soon.

Why do you pick him up every day?
Can't he walk?
Do you really want to marry him?
It is him who is behaving like a silly little child.
Sorry if it sounds harsh but he doesn't sound like a very nice person from your posts.

Be very careful that he is not trying to separate you from your family. This happens. Then it gets worse. Once they have isolated you, you come to depend on them.

Dear Fiance

Dear Fiancee

Lucy he cant walk its down the motorway, Even though he could take the car, I told him i wouldnt mind somedays.

MY two - ive been through that before with an ex, i would never let it happen, if push comes to it I'll just go, I can drive, its me who deals with the boys anyway. I do love him, hes a lovely man if a little selfish, even if that does sounds daft

He sounds like a controlling nightmare.

But - take on the chin what he says about your family as they may be different to him when you're not about. You just don't know. I only say this as there are many many people who rant on about having a nightmare time with their il's and their dp doesn't realise.

I think this needs to be done face to face rather than by email / text / instant messaging each other. So so easy to misinterpret what is said there when there is not emotion behind it (as you will know if you have done internet dating - I too met my dh on the internet and had the whirlwind romance thing but thats another story!)

I would go out this pm so you're not tempted to log in and check for messages, be on time to get him (whether you should do this or not is another discussion for you to have with him but for today it will probably just make things worse and it gives you the moral high ground to stick to this plan) and say something along the ines of 'I think we have both been getting a bit wound up today - lets sit down with a bottle of wine / dinner / cup of tea (whatever you both do to relax) once the ds's are asleep and have a chat about our summer plans' then you can use it as an excuse to chat about how he is with your family. Hopefully if you are both relaxed it will be easier to be honest with each other about both of your issues with your il's.

Good luck

If it makes you feel better it sounds like he is being a childish pain in the arse but by being reasonable and getting the moral high ground you have a better chance of this all turning out as you want it.

just wanted to say that as re-read my post and it sounded a bit as though I thought you were in the wrong!

thanks alicet!

Can't go out today as boys are full of cold and its peeing down dont want them to get owrse, but I do have a lot to get on with. Just waiting for baby to fall asleep then Im gonna have a nice bath and read a book and forget about it all.

TBH - he really isnt a bad person. Hes great witht he kids and treats me lovely. Every now and then he gets in these moods, bit like PMT. He's very insecure in thinking Im gonna leave him cos hes "fat and ugly" his words not mine!

He had a terrible upbringing, his father used to beat him and his mother. He is determined to be the opposite and has never ever raised a finger to me or the kids. His mum is seriously losing it. I think hes frightened and very emotionally scarred, he is on the waiting list for councilling though. We had a tough time last summer and he had a nervouse breakdown.

We have been through alot together. I dont think it will come down to "leaving him" I love him alot. I am still in love with him.

I have PNd and he supports me through a hell of a lot with that, he really isnt a bad man.

it sounds like you know what you are doing.
You aren't being unreasonable for being upset but hopefully you'll feel better soon xxx

Hi, I think you need to re-read your op as if it were happening to a friend of yours.
-What advice would you give them? I get the impression that the reaction from the other posters is exactly what you feel but you needed someone to point it out to you. Do you have a friend who is 'the voice of reason?' You know, the one who always tells you like it is but you really respect because of this.

I think you need to list all the positives/negatives and decide what is really important to you and then discuss with you df. Be prepared to get the answer you don't want, though, he sounds like he knows what he wants and doesn't want to compromise.

Another good clue as to a person is their frinds. How many does he have? What are they like? HOw does he treat them? What about past girlfirends/relationships -why did they end?

My dh and I met on the internet, married after 2 years, had ds 6 months later. The first years were tough (very tough at times) but we talked and above all listened to each other and we've been together 5 years now.

muppetgirl,

His last girlfriend cheated on him, he looked at her text messages and he confronted her and she ended it saying she couldn't trust him.

He has a few friends, treats them lovely and they are all lovely tbh, the type of people who go out of their way to help you.

I dont have a friend like that but I am that type of person. I know we have problems but not enough for me to say "I am going and not coming back".

I know he has big inssues with trust and insecurity, I am doing my best to help him through this. We have been together just over two years now, been through 4mc's together. We just bought a house and he asked me to marry him last week with a very gorgeous ring.

It's quite hard for both of us to talk face to face, we are very shy, and that type of couple that the min we see each other everything is fine cos we are so sickly in love lol.

Its the family part that gets me so wound up, he only has his mum in this country, they argue like cat and dog so he doesn't enjoy going to see her. Where as I have a big family and we are all very close.

I miss my mum especially, she runs her own business so doesnt often get the chance for some time off to come visit us. I was quite upset that we didnt make it there last weekend, it must have shown because he promised we would go next weekend instead.

She was round the corner for the first 4 years of my firsts life, my second ds is 5 months old now and she has only seen him a handful of times and I miss it.

Julezboo

May i suggest writing him a letter? This may seem lame, but i have done this a few times and my dh has kept every single one i wrote. When things bug me I fester, and then when i come to talk about it, everything comes out in the wrong order and it makes no sense and dh just ends up more confused and convinced that we are from another planet.

If you write it down as you are thinking it (and i mean write, don't type), you can sort through it afterwards and get it in the right order. Then you can leave him to read it when he wants to - he has to listen to everything and cannot interrupt. That way you get your point across and he really has to take it all in.

Worked wonders for us......