My boyfriend is blowing hot and cold

[LillyWhite15]

Hi there... So, me and my boyfriend have been together 4 years. There's a 10 year age gap; we met when I was 20 and he was 30. I moved into his house after a year of being together. Fast forward 3 years later to now and we're still living together, we're in love and we're each others best friend. Tonight, we have just had a reoccurring argument about redecorating - we have only redecorated our bedroom and the passage since I moved in so it still feels like his house rather than our home. He gets really pissed off and frustrated when I bring it up (especially when I talk about getting a new couch, even though we went couch shopping together a while ago) but I don't know why and he won't tell me why it bothers him so much. He knows it's my dream to have a beautiful home, have a baby and to get married... And its my dream to have these things with him. I'm just sad because we've been together 4 years and I feel like we're a bit stagnant. He still hasn't proposed, we're still arguing about me feeling like the house we live in isn't OUR home and he's blowing hot and cold about when to start trying for a baby again (we were trying at the beginning of the year but had no luck falling pregnant then stopped trying to plan a Bali trip which is his dream). I told him the other night that I want a baby and marriage and if he didn't want these things then I didn't want Us anymore - he replied my proclaiming his love and commitment to me and how he wanted those things too yet 2 days later we're arguing about redecorating/nesting for a baby. He's 34, his friends are all married and have children, he's not getting any younger and yet I feel like he's still not ready to settle down with me. He tells me Im the type of person that wants everything yesterday but I feel like he's the type of person who isn't ever ready for change unless it's on his terms.

Am I being unreasonable and making a mountain out of a molehill? I'm really sad and frustrated.

DON'T try for a baby if he won't marry you OP. It will leave you terribly vulnerable. He could basically throw you and your child out at any time and you would have NO recourse to get help or a share of his houe.

He's showing you quite clearly that he doesn't want to marry you or plan a future with you. It's been 4 years and if he wanted those things, he'd have made steps towards them.

My advice to you is leave while you're young enough to meet someone else. You are only 24 and have plenty of time to find a man who wants the same things as you do.

You might wake up on the wrong side of 30 still with this man and still with no commitment.

Please don't be foolish enough to have a baby before you're married. He is NOT committed to you and you will be left completely vulnerable.

Why do you think he wants someone 10 years younger? Because he doesn't want the adult stuff and because no woman his age wants his immature behaviour.

At 20 and 30, the differences in your life experience were huge. I am very wary of guys who get together with women who are barely out of school. At 30, I would have found a 20 year old astonishingly dull and childish and I think you should ask yourself why he didn't feel the same.

At 24, you have two decades left to have a child. Why rush into that with someone who isn't ready and likely never will be?

No he's not committed to you.
A man who really loves you wouldn't leave you feeling confused, you would know for certain that you are loved.
A relationship shouldn't be this much hard work.
Ditch this loser, you have plenty time to find someone who really loves you.

He does not want the same things as you.

That's why he doesn't want you to change his home.

He likes things as they are.

He probably doesn't want children.

Do not have a child with him.

It will end badly.

You are wasting your time with him unfortunately.

Hi mouth is telling you one thing.

His actions are telling you another.

Believe his actions.

Don’t have his baby if he won’t marry you? Have I woken up in 1954? He may just not want to get married. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a baby.

DON'T try for a baby if he won't marry you OP. It will leave you terribly vulnerable. He could basically throw you and your child out at any time and you would have NO recourse to get help or a share of his house.

This x 1000. You had a lucky escape re:Bali frankly

And please be clear he doesn’t want to make the house “your” (joint) house because he sees it firmly as his... hence the not marrying so you can’t “steal” half the house.

You are young stop wasting your time listening to his lame chat and look at his actions. You are with someone who doesn’t want to commit - 4 years is a longgggg time at this point you know if it’s right or not.

This man doesn't want to do all these things with you.

You're forcing a round peg into a square hole.

And I am seriously judging him for going after someone so much younger than he is.

I had a 30YO pursue me when I was 20, and I judged him just as much.

"Don’t have his baby if he won’t marry you? Have I woken up in 1954? He may just not want to get married. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a baby."

She lives in his house. If they are not married, she has no protection.

Why do you think he wants someone 10 years younger? Because he doesn't want the adult stuff and because no woman his age wants his immature behaviour.

Ding ding ding ding ding. Right answer.

And it's not old-fashioned to want marriage before a baby, it's expedient. Otherwise if he gets bored, you're homeless.

‘He knows it's my dream to have a beautiful home’.

Striking that you put that at the top of your wish list and a baby next. He doesn’t sound like a catch, but I would hate to live with someone who went on about couches and buying stuff. You sound like hard work too, OP.