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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To (maybe) not want a second child?

14 replies

CakePigeon4 · 06/06/2019 21:38

DS is three, I absolutely adore him, however he’s had some persistent health issues which has meant that we’ve had more than our fair share of stress and lost sleep. I never planned to have just one child, however I am really struggling with the thought of another - even though I really want DS to have a sibling. The thought of going through it all again is so daunting - from the pregnancy, which will take me away from a job I love, to the newborn phase and all the anxiety it brings, to dealing with toddlerdom all over again. I feel like we’ve just got our lives back a bit, and we would be throwing ourselves in at the deep end all over again if we have another baby.

However, DH would like another, and I don’t want to be the one to say ‘no’ (especially when I’m not 100% against it). Is it normal to feel like this?! Should we just go for it and hope for the best, or is having one child by choice ever a good decision?

OP posts:
Settle59 · 07/06/2019 09:22

I was an only child and hated it but that was down to bad parenting not being an only child and I would 100% have an only child merely because I've seen lots of only children thrive. I personally think that kids can thrive with or without siblings. The key is to have an open minded flexible attitude and a generally positive atmosphere in the house

Settle59 · 07/06/2019 09:23

Should say hated my childhood - but the cause was not being an only child iyswim

user87382294757 · 07/06/2019 09:37

Maybe leave it a while and see how it goes as it will change as DC gets older. We have a four year gap which suits us OK.

SummerInSun · 07/06/2019 09:44

You will almost certainly be much more relaxed second time round about everything - even though no two babies are the same, you'll have a lot more confidence and be able to take the longer term view much better. So don't assume that doing this the second time round will be as stressful as the first time round.

We had DS2 when DS1 was 3 2/3rds. Before DS2 was born, we had a blissful few months with no buggy, no nappies and no middle of the day nap to be fitted in. It was wonderful and the world was our oyster, and when DS2 was born it did feel a bit like slithering down the long snake in snakes and ladders back to the beginning! But now they are 6 and 2 and love playing with each other, making jokes and games, etc, and that brings them and us so much joy that I'm so glad we did it. And things like going on holiday or even just hanging round at home are easier because they already entertain each other a lot.

hsegfiugseskufh · 07/06/2019 09:47

I feel the same, though ds hasn't had awful health issues he had silent reflux as a baby, and still doesn't consistently sleep through the night.

Like you, I couldn't imagine another pregnancy, another maternity leave (and whilst my last one didn't set me back, this one would) paying nursery fees for another 3 years etc etc.

to me it would feel like going backwards, we are just about back to normal now I suppose, its getting easier and I would be worried I would resent another child for sort of messing up that normal, and I wouldn't want that at all. I could only have another child if I was 100% certain it would have the same babyhood/life that DS has.

CakePigeon4 · 07/06/2019 09:52

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl I could have written your post, that is exactly how I feel. It’s so hard to imagine loving this unknown ‘other’ as much as I love my son, and the thought of giving up our hard-won ‘normality’ (such as it is) is a tough one to get my head around. Part of me feels like I should just go for it and it’ll be fine, I’ll just get on with it like I did first time round - but it’s a very different feeling knowing what you’re letting yourself in for!

OP posts:
CakePigeon4 · 07/06/2019 09:53

@SummerInSun that’s so lovely to hear - and especially with the age gap, I was worried we’ve left it too long for them to play together, but it’s great to hear your two get on Smile

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 07/06/2019 09:57

I am sure I would love another child just as much, as would you, but i would be worried I would be a worse parent for it, and not do as many things, be as happy, give the second child the same opportunities the first one has had as a baby.

I agree its entirely different knowing how things could do, and I couldn't imagine having a newborn on top of dealing with my very time consuming 3yo as well.

LoafofSellotape · 07/06/2019 09:59

You really don't have to have another child,it's not the law Wink

Emmabryant123 · 07/06/2019 09:59

I feel the same and my dd is 3 to
I feel like things are getting easier and I had a shit pregnancy to which has put me off but would love two kids :/
We have said we will wait until dd is 4 next year and talk again about it then

ritzbiscuits · 07/06/2019 10:03

I have a only child by choice, DS now aged 5. He was a very difficult baby due to birth complications, he never stopped crying for months!

As I felt I was getting my life back, the thought of having another just didn't appeal to me. Also, I very much enjoy my job and felt I may start to struggle to work (nearly) full time if I had another.

My DS is a happy only child and very vocal about not wanting a sibling either. As a family unit we are happy as a three and wouldn't want to disturb that.

Lifeover · 07/06/2019 10:08

Having one can be a great choice. The plus sides of just the one include (subject to as with having more kids good parenting);

Only children generally are much more independent, happy with their own company, less likely swayed by peer pressure

Housing is much more flexible, no need for bedroom 3.

Much closer relationship with parent

Both parents can enjoy everything the child does without being split between 2kidsactivities

Only paying for one child enables better life experiences which you might not be able to afford with 2 kids

Better opportunities to involve their friends in things eg days out/holidays when older.

They can choose who they spend their time with rather than having a sibling (who in reality they might hate) forced on them 24/7.

There’s more time to spend on their needs, social, physical and educational that you just can’t have with more.

Only children seem to work out social interactions more easily, make friends easily and generally better at sharing as they don’t constantly have to fight for their stuff at home.

Downsides inc

All of parents eggs in one basket so to speak

Potential loneliness (but just requires more effort to arrange play dates etc - a child with many siblings can be lonely too. I had a brother but often felt lonely growing up as had nothing in common).

Sole career for parents in later life is often quoted but this is rarely different with a sibling and often worse. My DHs brother lives by parents but due to drug use his dad is still looking after him and I dread the day his dad can’t do this and we are saddled with his useless brother.

Holidays tend to be designed around access to kids clubs etc, we wouldn’t do a cottage holiday without another family etc.

Given the state of the environment I wish many more people would embrace the positives of only children rather than the negatives.

Piglet89 · 07/06/2019 10:14

You’re going to get some only children on this thread who loved it and some who hated it. I was one of the former, our first child is due in August and I have absolutely no problems in only having one (it probably will be all we are able to have, anyway)!

Whoopsies · 07/06/2019 10:31

I was you when my ds was 3, I just couldn't imagine having another baby! Ds is now 5.5 and so much easier and I'm 32 weeks pregnant. That age gap was totally right for us, I just suddenly felt ready to cope with it all again!

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