What to think of this?

[PinkGlitter123]

Just wanted an outsiders opinion on this conversation. B in this scenario has inflammatory bowel disease.

A: So how have you been feeling generally?
B:I have good and bad days. The bad days are hard.
A: Well B, I guess its just one of those things you have to deal with. I went to see my friend Mark the other day and he has complications from diabetes and had to have his leg amputated. I guess in that scenario you have to feel grateful.

I like that response, may use it x

People generally have no idea how debilitating chronic illness is. Even after you have told them.

B is an insensitive arsehole.

In my experience a lot of people find suffering really hard to handle. They find hearing about it uncomfortable, they are unsure how to respond and it makes them defensive.

When I was a nurse I often had people( and I must say mostly men) who couldn’t wrap their head around how I could do my job. It was never the guts and gore, it was always the fact that I had to be with people in pain , discomfort, distress.

I now work with people who are traumatised, if that ever comes up in small talk with strangers there are often people who find it unfathomable.
I think this is probably what is going on with A. They feel at sea and irrationally irritated by your ongoing health problems, because they just want it all to go away and for everything to be “ nice”.
Sorry you’re suffering op

I think I might say 'I know people have it worse but it doesn't take away my own suffering.'

I think A was trying to sympathise/empathise/cheer you up, but unfortunately has the social skills of a cold fried sprout.

In these circumstances I try to remind myself that the intent was (probably) good. I usually say “I don’t think that helps as much as you think it does”

Yes, that is true. Maybe it's just me though as nobody else seems to feel this way about them. 😐
Trying not to see the malice in it and accept its just them having poor social skills. Makes it hurt less.
Will be pulling them up on it though when I get the opportunity.

They were thoughtless and ignorant.

Most of the people praised for their "positive outlook" are just putting on a front in public. Not all, but most.

You can feel for Mark, but it's irrelevant to what you're experiencing. Just like what you're experiencing is irrelevant to him. The fact that somebody else is suffering in a different way doesn't alter your suffering, doesn't make it easier to bear, and is not relevant to what you need to do to manage your own condition.

I hate people who put suffering into this bullshit hierarchy and use other people to make themselves feel better or fill people who are already suffering with guilt for daring to suffer when "it could be worse".

If you take it to its logical conclusion, then only one living person on the planet would be allowed to be mentally suffering at any one time because they would be the one person at the top of the hierarchy of suffering to whom nobody could say "ah, but so-and-so has it worse". Clearly ridiculous.

Likewise, you wouldn't tell somebody grieving for a loved one that they're not allowed to grieve because Jane next door just lost two loved ones. Both are sad. Both are valid.

If A stubbed their toe one assumes it would still hurt and they'd still react to that pain. The fact that Mark has had a leg amputated wouldn't stop A's toe from experiencing pain. We're individuals living separate lives.

As for "you have to feel grateful"... No, you don't. You don't have to feel anything.

Yeh, maybe just don't talk to A anymore. Is that possible?!

some people just don't understand the complexities of chronic illness the emotional strain and endless nature. people are more prone to comparing everything to a broken leg, in six weeks everything should be fully mended.
sadly some people with chronic disease yearn for friendship so desperately that they allow themselves to subject to people who just don't get it.
it's up to b, the ball is in her court as to how she wants to proceed.

What would be a good response? I am seeing A tomorrow and want to address this as I am actually feeling angrier now reading all the replies here. Even if it doesnt properly absorb in their heads I want a good response.

A good response? "Stop being so bloody awful. I'm ill and you constantly downplay it."

When my friend did something similar to me I told her she was being an arse and to stop it. I may have raised my voice when she tried to defend herself... She was adamant she was being supportive and trying to help me focus on the positives. I told her she was being incredibly unsupportive and very dismissive of my very real problems.

Actually, it's a sign of how strong our friendship is that we even got through it all.

She recently had a big moan about someone who did similar to her - although her situation was nowhere near as serious as mine had been - and I actually laughed out loud and said "Oh God, that's exactly what you kept doing to me. Sucks, doesn't it."

I will let you all know what I say. I am a bit of a wimp so don't think I could be as be brave as PP but definitely going to give it a good go.

This person says they are full of empathy and kindness and their partner agrees. That's why I am doubting myself 😐

People aren’t always right about themselves. We’re all capable of all sorts of self delusion.

A might believe he is full of empathy and kindness, but he’s not necessarily correct.
He may actually believe that he’s being kind by pointing out that other people have it worse (look, I’m being kind by helping B focus on the positive!), while lacking enough empathy to understand that in reality he’s made you feel worse.

Yes you may have a point there PP

Some people have no sense of humour.

My friend genuinely thought that by telling me about how other people are 'worse off' than me were coping, that it was being supportive and would help me. Or when she tried to emphasise and talked about her barely there problems, as a way of showing that she 'understood' what I was going through.

Complete load of bollocks of course. She just wouldn't stop though, no matter how many times I told her to stop nicely. That's why I resorted to raising my voice - and hanging up a few times too. In the end I managed to get through to her but it was bloody hard work.

You could say something like:

"I know you're a good person and you mean well, and because of that I imagine that you think that by telling me about people who you see as being worse off than I am, that you are being supportive and giving me inspiration to keep battling. However all it is doing is making me feel that my difficulties are being downplayed, and that I have no right to complain when I'm not feeling well. As my friend I can't imagine that you would actually want me to feel like that, or to feel worse after talking to you than I did before."

I have chronic inflammatory illnesses and A would not be someone I'd associate with, can't stand people that trot out the "well there's always someone worse off than you" line. It's not supportive, it's not being a friend and it's not helpful.

I am a little confused about the no sense of humour post?

Thanks for the support everyone x

Bumping as I didn't understand the no sense of humour post