I'm just not coping, I'm exhausted and depressed and my DD1 (10) is in meltdown this week!

[Lizzie48]

Handhold please! I've spoken about my DD1 (10) on here before. She and DD2 (7) are both adopted and birth siblings. She's always had anger issues. She had 10 sessions of therapy earlier this year, which did appear to be very helpful. But there's now a gap, to give us all a break.

This was necessary, as I've been having therapy for my childhood abuse, which I've spoken about on here before as well. I've also been unwell physically. I had flu earlier this spring, which developed into a nasty chest infection (diagnosed as pneumonia at the hospital). I'm recovering, but I'm constantly exhausted and can't see how this is going to change. My DH is lovely, but he's exhausted, too, and obviously there's only so much he can cope with.

DD1 has been so angry this week! This could be put down to her not having therapy at the moment, but it really has been extreme this week. She's jealous because DD2 has been invited to a party and had a play date over half term. (This is a constant theme, DD2 is popular whereas DD1 struggles socially.). She's been staying up late (11pm on Monday night), refusing to settle, and she's started lashing out at me again.

She can't focus on anything. She goes back into toddler mode, even talks like one at home. It's impossible to get any cooperation from her at times like that. And if we say no to her, the state she gets into really is extreme.

She has hearing and sight problems as a result of a head injury as a baby when she was in foster care before she came to us. No one knows how that happened, and this is distressing for her. (She's asking questions about everything now.). She keeps saying she was born different, which is heartbreaking, but she also uses that to excuse her very extreme behaviour.

I know she's worried about puberty, as she's been learning about periods in school, which is of course positive but I know it's on her mind.

I don't know what I'm looking for on here. I know there are no easy solutions. But it would be encouraging to hear from parents who have coped with similar to me and come out the other side?

Sounds very challenging. As hard as it may be could you try spending some time with her on your own, not doing, just being. She will get through this and so will you, go slow and gentle.

@Lizzie48 - I've seen some of your previous posts and my heart goes out to you! I too am a Mamma to adopted blood siblings (although in our case a familial adoption) and balancing often contrasting needs can be hard beyond description.

In truth, it sounds as though your eldest needs a formal assessment - while it's possible that her hearing and vision issues are at the root of her behaviour, it's very possible that she's right (about being born different) and there's more going on.

My ds has had over 10 years of private therapy for PTSD, it has been incredibly hard but he's through the worst now, my dd also needed professional support for different reasons. You're in a tough place, but I think right now you need to push hard for assessment for your eldest while supporting your youngest. My family is secure and loving, but we've gone through hell at times to get here.

BTW, it's ok not to have all the answers to things that happened before you adopted your children, just be honest about not having the answers! I'm sending an unmumsnetty ((((((hug))))) because I think you need one!

Thank you to both of you for your kind comments. DD1 has been supported through Post Adoption Support and had therapy through the organisation Chrysalis. They think she has PTSD (ironically I have this too) and anxiety. (I'm sure she does have anxiety.) But I also wonder if there might be a connection to the head injury and would like a formal assessment, as I have wondered about ADHD. We have a lengthy report from Chrysalis following her therapy, which might help us get further with an assessment from CAMHS.

I think the suggestion of one to one time with DD1 is a good one, she doesn't get enough of that with DD2 having her own needs. She's popular and seemingly confident, but she's very clingy and has always regularly woken up with nightmares and come into our bed.

Are you in facebook and if so, can you request to join the Therapeutic Parenting group?

A lot of fostered and adopted children have Attachment Disorder. My youngest has this, despite her being my birth child (forgotten the correct bloody term which isn't offensive to adopters and fosterers, I'm sorry if I'm using the wrong term).

It's a bit different for me because my DC have always known me etc. But it's the same behaviours.

My youngest experienced domestic abuse / witnessed the dv I was suffering. It's traumatic and disrupts the bond. You can bond with a foster/adoption child but there will also be a need for bonding support. So many adopters aren't told about this either.

The fb group is fantastic. I'm not on fb anymore but there's books, group sessions, the support of other parents of all kinds who are experiencing the same.

You're not alone. And it's wonderful you've adopted these children.

Cross posted. But PTSD is linked to BPD is linked to Attachment Disorder. They're all exactly the same in a lot of instances. And they all deserve love and understanding. It's great she's been accessing support.

From your OP I would also be looking into an assessment for ASD. Struggling socially, baby voice, anxiety and anger are all signposts, especially for girls. If she has always felt different, that's also a marker.

You sound at the end of your tether, I know how that feels - it's so hard to keep going sometimes.

Is there a way you can get a break at all, I find even walking round the block for 15 minutes gives me a bit of headspace and the fortitude to face it all again. X

Thank you for these suggestions. She's been described as having attachment issues rather than Attachment Disorder. And I get what you're saying about ASD, Pheasant, it does fit. It's just a constant battle to get the help she needs.

The school don't see her behaviour because she behaves well there. Although it's more the case that she hides inside her own bubble at school; she's withdrawn rather than well behaved really. It's all pent up and she's ready to explode by the time she comes home.

I do go for a walk to our local Tesco Express on my own when my DH is at home. That does help. It doesn't help much to go upstairs, as I hear my DH struggling and go down to help him. (Although I've had to rest more in recent times due to not being well.)

Masking at school is very common, it's also extremely stressful which then causes the explosions in her safe place (i.e at home). With the right support and adjustments at school to reduce the stress there, there can be a significant effect on behaviour at home.

You can start the application yourself, it doesn't have to come from school - but it's another fight!

of tea for you.

I can’t offer any practical support but please know that people are thinking of you & wishing you well.

Sadly, her temper has been much worse the last couple of days. She's lashed out at me several times this weekend. She attempted to kick and punch me this afternoon, she targeted me even though it was my DH who had just said no to her. I managed to fend her off so that her punches and kicks didn't hit their intended target, but her rage was really scary nonetheless.

It's all to do with her thinking that her little sister is getting a better deal. In this case, we were trying to be fair, but she assumed we weren't going to be and lashed out before we had made a decision.

I can fend her off at the moment, but how much longer will I be able to do that for? She's getting bigger all the time!!

I'm feeling emotional right now, so felt the need to vent on here. Thank you so all those who encouraged me before on here.

Have an unmumsnetty ((((hug))))

It really sounds as though your DD1 needs a boatload of intensive support (therapy/anger management/support to build self-esteem and resiliency/all of the above) - getting that level of support without going private is going to be incredibly difficult - maybe impossible.

Vent at will / as needed!

Thank you for your post, @Andro our Post Adoption support worker comes across as all helpful, promising to support us in meetings with the school. We're currently fighting to get her an EHCP, which the school don't think she needs, as she's not far enough behind academically (though she's 2 years back in Maths).

They don't experience her behavioural problems, which is why they don't see the need for support. If she didn't have hearing aids and glasses, she wouldn't get the supposed she's currently getting.

Anyway, we have another meeting with her class teacher and SENCO tomorrow, where we're going to talk through her therapy and ask for support in referring her for a formal assessment.