Hi mumsnetters,
This is a throwaway account and a bit of a long story, I'm writing this feeling very sad and angry and need a bit of perspective.
I have no family apart from my sister-in-law and her two children, aged 3 and 7.
She had the children with my brother who died one year ago. He was a heroin addict who left my sis in law and the kids and married someone else (another addict.) And died shortly afterwards.
I am a house sitter who travels around a lot for my wok but for the last 4 years always come back to the UK for 3-6 months to house sit here and to be around for my nieces and help out my sister-in-law.
But there have been problems in the relationship and I am seriously reconsidering whether I should do it anymore.
The main problem is that I feel my sister in law is incredibly selfish, and has a lot of problems that I can't deal with. She drinks too much (every day and has often sent nasty messages when drunk). She swears at the kids and hits them when drunk.
Shortly after I met her about 4 years ago and became close with them, I was having a serious asthma attack and didn't have my inhaler with me. Her daughter had an inhaler leftover from a chest infection (she doesn't normally get asthma, no longer had the infection, and did not currently need it).
My sis in law refused to let me use the inhaler or help me. I walked out of her house and drove to A&E where I was put on the nebuliser machine. She explained later that if she had let me use the inhaler there would be less medicine for her kid in case she needed it (her kid didn't have asthma at that time.)
There have been a series of incidences like that happen. If she's ever asked to do anything for me she can become quite angry and accuse me of taking too much from her. E.g. I stayed with her for 2 nights between my house sits and I find out later she didn't want me to even though she said yes and I brought her a present. She sent me drunken messages asking for money because I put the heating on in the night (I was cold). I posted £10 through her door and we fell out for a while over those nasty messages.
She uses me for babysitting. One of her children (aged 7) has developed behavioural problems in the last 6 months or so, and screams blue murder for up to an hour when she doesn't get her way. She also hits, kicks and throws things. I think she might have ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) as she is often like this. I'm not sure. But my sis in law doesn't agree and always tries to get me to babysit. I have told her I can't have the older one as it's too stressful but can babysit the younger one. I want to take the kids to the park for an hour or two so I can bring them back if the older one acts up. My sis in law isn't having it and wants me to babysit for long hours (up to 2 or 3am) instead. Basically she won't let me see them unless it is some scenario I'm not up for. She says she bends over backwards for me and that I need to fit in with her.
When I ask what she means and can she please explain or let me know a time when she was bending over backwards, she can't get more specific about an occasion when she felt she gave too much or was too accommodating (I don't think there has ever been one?)
She has a new boyfriend every few months who she lets into her life and the kids lives straight away. I find that a bit worrying. She wants me around as a friend when there's no boyfriend but she doesn't want me around or to see her kids when there is a boyfriend as she doesn't have time.
I'm always buying the kids presents, bringing her shopping and things, she never pays me back.
The latest is that it has come to light that she has been shoplifting. I was quite upset to hear this and told her I hope she doesn't do it in front of her kids or teach them to do it. She told me she'll bring up her kids however she likes, and I need to lighten up and become more open-minded about it.
She said all her family does it too. She is from a big gypsy family. I was pretty disgusted.
I told her I can't deal with her bahaviour anymore and want to put some distance between us. She allows me to use her address for registering my car (which I pay her for) so I need to find a new address for that in the UK with a friend. I said I wanted to pick up my post and need to put some distance.
Do you think I'm doing the wrong thing? I want to see my nieces but they are so badly behaved and poorly disciplined. My sister in law always gives my niece what she wants after she screams and gets violent, so my niece learns that's the way to get what she wants. It's a discipline problem. My sis in law says it's my fault I can't deal with the bad behaviour and that I'm too sensitive.
I want to put myself first for a change. I make them a priority by coming her every year and she sees me as an option. I've had enough.
The final bit of info is that I get very bad post viral asthma and the kids are always making me sick. I often end up in A&E unable to breathe after flu/colds. When I don't see the kids, I don't get sick. When I spend time with them, no matter the time of year, I usually end up sick with flu/chest infection/asthma and it can last for weeks on end because of my dodgy lungs!
I have no contact with my mother and sibling. I grew up in a very abusive/violent home and cut contact 5 years ago after years of ongoing abuse. My sis in law has contact with both my mother and sibling, knows I don't want any contact but has failed to respect my wishes around that. Once she tried to reconcile me and my mother . The other time when drunk after my brother died, she had my other brother with her, and handed her phone over to him so he could text me (despite knowing I want no contact with him.) He sent me messages like, "everyone in this family knows you'll die alone". She also didn't tell me when my grandad died (my mum asked her not to.) These were all small betrayals as far as I'm concerned.
I've seriously questioned what I am getting out of this, she doesn't want me to see her kids at the moment anyway unless it's on her terms, and she often cancels last minute anyway and changes plans.
What would you do in my place? AIBU? I feel I've put up with so much to see the kids, but I don't want to do it anymore.