SS wanted abusive ex to observe my meetings through a 2-way mirror

[FlamingoJane]

More of a wibu than a aibu as it's in the past now but as the dust has settled I'm wondering what others think? My exdh was severely abusive & controlling. His rages & personality were witnessed by multiple professionals. I divorced him because SS said if I didn't I would be considered an unfit parent & our dc would go into care. (despite him having no convictions). It became obvious over time the relationship was untenable as he refused to engage. He tried his absolute best to make me homeless & cut off my money, I went through a living hell. I used to ask SS where is the line in the sand where you actually take action (where he's regarded) but they always stayed silent. In the end they pushed me VERY hard to attend meetings but allow my ex to watch through a mirror from the room next door! It felt like such a violation, I resolutely refused. I thought it outrageous that he could sit there behind a mirror observing me. In the end the issue was sorted because he refused to co-operate & never turned up. What do others think about this? I'm super glad now that I stuck to my guns. It was like being coerced twice over. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Never had involvement with SS so can't say whether that is normal, but I wouldn't have been comfortable with it either, and don't really see the point of it.
I know sometimes they have shuttle meetings with parents in separate rooms with a negotiator who goes between them, which seems ok, but they idea that an abusive ex could watch everything you said and did whilst you couldn't see them is, well, disturbing.
I'm glad you stuck to your guns, and sincerely glad that everything is now sorted

That sounds insane! For what purpose did they want him to observe your meetings?

What meetings was he supposed to observe? And what were they trying to achieve by this?

Sounds strange. What sort of meetings. Well done for saying no

I’ve worked in social services for a few years and never come across this; what was it for? So he could attend meetings without physically being there in the room? That’s the only reason I can think of but to suggest doing it that way shows a complete lack of understanding of domestic abuse by professionals.

What meetings?

It sounds as if SS did action (telling you that you could not cohabit with this man and keep the DC). What else were you expecting them to do?

That sounds absolutely disgraceful. I cannot imagine the sheer idiocy of that being suggested. It’s properly insane.

I'm not surprised by this. That you felt coerced into doing something by SS that looking back seems questionable.

I had similar. I too am glad I stuck to my gut instinct and refused.

My parents are both retired social workers and they too were not happy at the time. I got them to come to a meeting and their concerns were noted.

I’m going to guess it was so he could “safely” participate in Child Protection conferences and meetings etc, but it’s not a good way to go about that (and he couldn’t actively participate from behind glass anyway, so may as well just send him the recording later in that case).
I do understand that parents need to hear what’s being said about them and what the concerns are.

It’s not a good way to go about it at all and lacks thought.

I used to run meetings split into two, with parents attending at different times, but in all honesty this was problematic as well as I recall one meeting where the dad had hung about in the car park and I had to almost physically separate him from the mother afterwards (called the police but they didn’t attend).

Nowadays I’d suggest there needs to be Skype facilities so parents can be enabled to attend from a distance (the victim of abuse, for instance, so abuser doesn’t know where they are at a set time).

In the end they pushed me VERY hard to attend meetings but allow my ex to watch through a mirror from the room next door!

Why ?

I've never heard of such a thing, and I've had lots of professional involvement with SS over the past 30 years. Come to think of it, of the hundreds of meetings I've attended, I don't even recall seeing a mirror!
Sorry OP, but this is a very odd story and I'm taking much of it with a huge pinch of salt.

the end they pushed me VERY hard to attend meetings but allow my ex to watch through a mirror from the room next door! It felt like such a violation, I resolutely refused. I thought it outrageous that he could sit there behind a mirror observing me. In the end the issue was sorted because he refused to co-operate & never turned up.

Also, this does not make sense. You refused to cooperate, so presumably a meeting wasn't arranged, however your ex also refused to cooperate and NEVER TURNED UP.
Why would he turn up to a meeting that you did not agree to anyway?

Bloody hell. When will there be a grown up shake up of social services?
It seems they have no idea about real life and very much seems to be working under the protocol of the abuser, the man, etc is in charge. I come in under the victim of very questionable decisions which resulted in sanctions and prison. Can't say more right now as feel like crying and it will crash me for the day.

What type of meeting? The only type of observed 'meetings' I've heard of would be some form of supervised child contact?

I'm sorry that happened to you. I had them insist I should sit in a room with my abusive ex to watch a video about the harm that parents not getting on does to children. It was linked to a court case over access which my abusive ex was constantly using as a way of punishing me. I turned up to this 7 years after having left him, with my newborn who SS tried to say had to be left with one of them ie a stranger while I went through this enforced process. I said no way would I be leaving my baby. I also said no way would I watch the video with my ex and insisted on it being done separately. They genuinely looked at me as though I was very odd. Idiots and bullies.

Soontobe60
That's odd. You not believing it. Because I've seen such a thing on..... let me count, 6 times.

At our local camhs centre where children are diagnosed with ASD they have one.
SS/ Police interview centre for children to make statements.

Contact centre where parents go to visit children who are under protection at the time/staying with a relative.

So I don't doubt it.

In fact I know of 5 places that have one, for various reasons, in a 3 mile radius from my house.

oblamov
The first two you mention are not the places the OP is talking about. The contact centres where I go to meetings don't have them. When a child who is under CP is having contact with a parent there is always a member of staff in the actual room in my area.
Why on earth would someone expect one parent to sit in a room to be watched through a 2 way mirror by the other parent?
You must live in an interesting area if you're practically surrounded by buildings with 2 way mirrors!

This never happened to me.

When we had meetings we had it at a neutral location (usually my DDs Nursery) with just me, the social worker and Nursery staff (who asked my permission to attend). ExH didn't know about the meeting and he would have to go to the Social Workers office to discuss it afterwards.