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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you say primary school “bullying” follows them upto secondary

16 replies

MummyCool19 · 04/06/2019 22:24

Dd is having some issues with two girls. They keep being friends then falling out. All their friends end up involved and it always ends in tears. Tonight we’ve had issues with girls accusing Dd of bullying a “friend” but when seeing screenshots/messages etc it’s all been made up by this ex friend.

She goes high school this year and I’m terrified she will be sucked into this group of friends again. They aren’t very nice and I obviously don’t want her to be bullied.

Please tell me your dc made new friends?! 😩

OP posts:
Hairyheadphones · 04/06/2019 22:27

My son is in a similar situation, he’s going up to secondary school with two girls who have been really nasty. I have asked for them to be in different classes, the primary school are also aware of the issue and have stressed the importance of them being in different classes.

MsTSwift · 04/06/2019 22:29

Wasn’t bullying situation but on reaching secondary dd quickly shed her more difficult and annoying primary “friends” and upgraded keeping a few decent ones from primary. Much deeper pool

TheInebriati · 04/06/2019 22:30

DS was bullied through primary, hes a big softy and was that kid who was an easy target. In secondary he not only made new friends, but they have kept the friendship group going now they have left school.
He made new friends through a shared interest. So maybe you can work on helping your DD to get into something she enjoys?

SparrowBo · 04/06/2019 22:31

It can and does follow them up to secondary but there are so many opportunities to find new friends and stay out of each other's way.

Secondary is a great opportunity to make new friendship from a much larger pool. Its unhealthy to cling to sometimes damaging primary relationships.

So, what I'm saying is that with the right support it can stop.

Pipandmum · 04/06/2019 22:34

With new intake the status quo will change. The popular kids may not be so popular etc. Kids won’t feel so ‘trapped’ in their existing friendship groups. Good luck.

BeautifulWintersMorning · 04/06/2019 22:35

It didn't with dd, but there are 240 per year and the toxic kids were spread around in different classes. Her new class was fine and she made a bigger group of friends who are nice kids.

Sofasurfingsally · 04/06/2019 22:59

I totally agree that it helps a lot to encourage an interest eg a sport or drama. They make friends who help carry them in school, and also it improves their confidence in the face of the bullying.

Also I would have a word up front with the year head in the new school.

GreenTulips · 04/06/2019 23:02

They can escape - my DD did

I will say most of the bullies have ended up with no friends because others won’t put up with their nastiness

Year 7 is a huge learning curve - tell your DD to seek out the nice kids - not the ones attention seeking or the ‘in crowd’ but solid nice kids who want friends not competition

ragged · 04/06/2019 23:08

DC experience... my own too, come to think of it. Totally changed at secondary. Did not continue.

I know 2 lads who were deemed deeply uncool & naff in primary... who then became The Most Popular Boys in their year group, stardust quality. Kids who 18m earlier had publicly ridiculed the uncool lads were now hangers on trying to gain favour from them.

bridgetreilly · 04/06/2019 23:24

Children being friends then falling out then being friends again really doesn't sound like bullying to me.

BetsyBigNose · 05/06/2019 00:31

In my experience, the Head of Year 7 usually makes a visit to the Primary School to meet with the children and to have a discussion with their Teacher(s) about things like this. In your case, I would have a private chat with her Yr 6 Class Teacher and ask if she can let the Secondary school know that you would prefer your DD to be in a different Tutor and/or Teaching group to these other girls. They are usually (depending on the size of the school) able to facilitate these kind of requests.

My DD1 is in Yr 7 now, and has a couple of her friends from Primary School in her Tutor Group (they are only streamed for Maths at this stage in her school) and so has all her lessons with this group of children. Although she mostly stuck with the girls she knew for the first few days, by the end of the second week she had 3 new 'BFFs', an invite to dinner after school one day and a birthday sleepover to attend!

Here we are, 9 months in and I rarely hear about the friends from Primary School, but DD1 is making new friends all the time. She has joined various lunchtime clubs (such as drama and choir) and after school activities (Girl's Club and Cricket) so meets lots of new children often. She has also made friends with 3 girls who catch the bus at the same stop in the mornings, so they meet up and walk the 15 minutes there together.

So in my experience, they do make plenty of friends in their first year - the more opportunities they open themselves up to, the more people they will meet! I think it was nice that DD1 at least had some people she knew in her Tutor Group to begin with, so she didn't feel alone, but they all seem to have started to find their own 'Tribe' of friends, now that they have a much larger pool to choose from!

MartyCranesFridgePants · 05/06/2019 13:59

Things certainly improved for my DNephew in year 7 - Dsis was at her wit's end in the last two years of primary. There was a very toxic clique of boys (and parents!) who had all been friends since nursery. If your face didn't fit (no good at football, not deemed 'cool' or 'alpha' enough by the kids or their parents to be invited on playdates, even if you'd invited their kids to yours) you were - at best- excluded, or - at worst- picked on and victimised. The school tried very hard to support DNephew and the other boys in his class who didn't 'fit', but it was hard changing such a deep-rooted dynamic and one that essentially suited the families involved (they also dominated the PTA, but that's another story!). If one boy was called out on his shitty behaviour, all the other boys closed ranks and blamed the victim (as did the parents). Nightmare for the school to sort out, and a nightmare for Dsis and poor Dnephew too (and for me, as I picked him up from school a couple of times a week, often with him in tears).

Fast forward a year and it's a completely different picture. DNephew is transformed. Confident, happy, loads of friends who like him because he's funny, kind and smart - not because he's 'cool' and takes the piss out of the nicer kids to boost his popularity.

The toxic clique from his primary are floundering. Yes, they were deemed 'cool' in the first term, and a lot of the kids from other schools wanted to be friends with them initially (much to Dsis's dismay), but the group has started to fall apart as the kids from other feeder schools realise how mean these boys can be. The worst behaved in the group have resorted to more extreme and attention-seeking behaviour to keep their alpha status, which has seriously backfired on them. The school comes down on this behaviour like a ton of bricks - far more so than at primary, and the school won't put up with any crap or interference from the parents either. The more sensible kids in the year (thankfully the vast majority) have started to distance themselves, as they don't want to get into trouble, too.

Also, play-dates are seen as passe at secondary, so friendships often shift dramatically. Parents can't manipulate their child's popularity and friendship groups as much. The kids are finally left alone to make their own choices (good or bad!), rather than than having to be best-friends with the offspring of Mummy and Daddy's drinking buddies. Some of the parental friendships have floundered too, as they inevitably blame each other's kids when their own gets into trouble.

Try not to worry, OP. Encourage your Dd to join as many lunchtime clubs as possible, and gather as wide a pool of friends as she can - not the 'cool' kids, but the ones who seem happy in their own skin. Talk to her about the dangers of getting sucked into smaller, more exclusive groups - they might see themselves as the 'cool' kids, but are more often than not the most insecure, and more prone to bullying behaviour as they vie for position as 'top-dog'.

The change won't happen overnight, and things might feel worse before they get better if she drifts back to her old group in the first few weeks for security. But widening her group of friends is key, and if she's on what'sapp (which they shouldn't be at 11, but they all seem to be doing it anyway) keep a close eye on things. You might pick up on subtle signs of bullying/excluding behaviour in a group chat before your Dd even realises anything is wrong, and you can talk to her about how she should handle things.

My Ds is starting reception soon. Part of me is dreading it after seeing what Dsis had to put up with (if I hadn't witnessed some of it myself, I'd never have believed how manipulative and badly behaved some parents can be). Or perhaps they were just unlucky.
One last thing: after having their social lives engineered for so long, the more toxic 'popular' primary kids seem to struggle at secondary because they simply haven't developed the social skills to make themselves personable. DNephew knows how to make people like him, rather than be afraid of him. I'm sure your Dd will be the same.
Good luck!

Pgqio · 05/06/2019 14:29

Lovely post Marty. Really inspiring x

BeautifulWintersMorning · 05/06/2019 14:34

MartyCranesFridgePants I recognise so much of what you've said in my eldest's experience of primary and secondary

Troels · 05/06/2019 14:38

Dd's confidence took a beating in primary school. Joined in year 4 and went through the mill till year 6. I made sure she was in a high school with none of the girls who were so vile. Luckily they all went to the same place and we had a choice of three all in our catchment.
Now year 9 and she's improving. Still says she has no friends, yet seems to go to their houses during half term Hmm

Pgqio · 05/06/2019 14:43

My dd wasn't bullied as such but her confidence was rocked in high school when all her erstwhile primary friends ditched her and she didn't really make any new friends.

She's just finished uni and is a lovely person with lots of really nice pals.

Try not to get too hung up on school experience, it's a tiny part of life in the grand scheme of things.

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