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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is it ex?

21 replies

FriPlace · 04/06/2019 17:17

We’ve reached a complete stalemate over access to DD. He has had numerous partners since we split 4 years ago and 2 more DC. He now has a new partner and is engaged (all in the space of 6 months Hmm).

New partner gave her DC up a few years ago to a family member. Past drug issues, criminal record, never worked.

I’ve put my foot down and said ex is not to have DD around her. He is welcome to take me to court and CAFCASS can do safeguarding checks and let a judge decide.

He refuses to see DD if he can’t see her with his girlfriend. Consequently he hasn’t seen her for 5 months now.

So I’m saying not with the girlfriend. He’s saying not without the girlfriend.

DD is far too young to decide.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
Original poster
FriPlace · 04/06/2019 17:18

He is refusing to go to court as social services have it in for the girlfriend.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriPlace · 04/06/2019 17:18

His words not mine!

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 04/06/2019 17:20

If he's the type of person to actively choose not to see his child, I doubt she is missing out on much from him. I wouldn't have my kids around a very new relationship. You have no proof she's changed from her past.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/06/2019 17:20

I would say good riddance. I wouldn't want him around my child.

oneforthepain · 04/06/2019 17:20

Has he always been controlling?

TixieLix · 04/06/2019 17:24

Your ex is BU. If his new gf gave up her own kids, then she's hardly a suitable step parent for his child. I too wouldn't want my child around someone with past drug issues and a criminal record, especially one he's only known 6 months. Does she have access/see her own children?

TheCatDidSay · 04/06/2019 17:25

“Gave up” and SS have it in for her. Yeah likely that she was forced to give the child up. Stand your ground op.

Pinkvoid · 04/06/2019 17:25

YANBU, your ex is. You are safeguarding your DD, it’s the sensible thing to do. If he has an issue, he can take you to court but he won’t do that so fuck him.

TheCatDidSay · 04/06/2019 17:26

Actually I’d also be concerned for the other two children his fathered does he have contact with them? Might be worth a call to SS for their advice yourself anyway and inform them of the other children.

Herland · 04/06/2019 17:27

I would be concerned about letting my child see this woman too to be fair. Particularly as her own children are no longer in her care - if there is a possibility that her own children are under child protection orders how can you be expected to allow your child to be in her care.

I would always normally recommend that a child is happier and better off spending quality time with both parents but only if it is safe. I would do one of the following :

  • leave it up to him to go to court.
  • offer him access at a supported contact centre to be certain she is not around.
-try mediation.
Original poster
FriPlace · 04/06/2019 17:30

-mediation, he didn’t turn up

  • she has access to the children at her mothers but as far as I know only goes 3/4 times a year
  • he doesn’t see his other children. DD is the one he had the bond with as he had always had contact with her up until Christmas, she’s his eldest etc etc. The others he left when they were babies.
OP posts:
Original poster
FriPlace · 04/06/2019 17:31

Yes it’s not quite clear why she doesn’t have her children. He is a compulsive liar so I don’t believe him when he says she gave them up. Why would SS have it in for her?! He says they are coming to live with them in the future which is clearly nonsense.

OP posts:
HK2009 · 04/06/2019 17:56

She's clearly not fit to look after children and he's happy to not see his daughter/have his daughter around a woman like that.

Keep your child as far away from him as possible!

FuckMNDoubleStandards · 04/06/2019 18:05

You are protecting your daughter and are not being unreasonable. If that is his condition then so be it, he clearly isn't bothered about her. I wouldn't trust his new partner either in this situation.

Sorry you're going through this OP, you can only continue to do your best by your daughter.

Amibeingdaft81 · 04/06/2019 18:09

Surely this is a great scenario

He has given an ultimatum and you just say ok you don’t see her.
Why do you want him to see her? He sounds awful

ModernDivorceLawyer · 05/06/2019 15:39

Are you saying that DD is never to meet this new girlfriend? Or just not at the moment? If the latter, what would have to change for you to be ok with it?

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 05/06/2019 15:41

Ring Ss for advice. She may not be allowed around dc anyway.....

Original poster
FriPlace · 05/06/2019 16:03

@ModernDivorceLawyer

No I’m not saying never. I would want a full safeguarding check done by CAFCASS, plus drug testing (I don’t know if that is reasonable). I would also want them to be together for a reasonable amount of time before she was introduced.

Ideally ex would build his relationship with DD back up over the next 6 months first.

OP posts:
Atalune · 05/06/2019 16:09

Best rid surely of both?

Stop responding to your ex’s demands and just repeat what your boundaries are.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 05/06/2019 16:14

6 months down the line she could still be a risk to your dd. During our proceedings my new bf was checked out via court order but I wasn't allowed to even know the name of exh's gf who lived with him and was with my dc eow!
Let him take you to court. Proper channels or you can't be sure she is safe. He isn't to be trusted at all.

Herland · 05/06/2019 16:55

@walkamile.

Why was your boyfriend checked but his girlfriend wasn't?

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