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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm being played

50 replies

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 11:46

I've just cottoned on that I might be being played. It's taken me months to realise that my boyfriend may have two of us on the go . I don't necessarily think he is physical with her but I'd appreciate it if you would read these facts and give me your opinion
He works with her all day every day and spends his coffee break and lunches with her.
He starts texting her as soon as he gets home.
He tells her she looks fabulous/ fantastic/ etc
He tells her she is amazing in every way
He has nights out with her
He sparkles in her company
He has public banter with her on Twitter/ Instagram and Twitter
He confides in her
He finds everything she says/ texts/ posts funny
He responds to everything normally with a double meaning which looks dubious but says it's innocent banter
He messages her when with me and as we don't see eachother a lot , I'm asking of this is normal .
Thanks for reading the long post. I am feeling insecure today. I only put it all together last evening and I didn't sleep well . He is attentive and affectionate when he is with me

OP posts:

DroningOn · 04/06/2019 14:49

Definitely up to no good.

I'd call it off, I suspect you'll then get definitive proof of what's been going on

KnittingSister · 04/06/2019 14:53

My DBIL is 10 years younger than DSIL...

thenightsky · 04/06/2019 14:55

He said she has problems and confides in him .. he said he is just a mate

Wish I had money for every time I've seen that one wheeled out on the relationship board

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 04/06/2019 15:02

I had problems when I met my younger dh.. Problem being I couldn't keep my hands off him!!
Certainly no bloody chats!
You are very naive op.
Probably lovely too which is why he is getting away with it.

AsleepAllDay · 04/06/2019 15:12

Emotional affair. He'll swear up and down she's just a good mate but he's taking half girlfriend behaviour from you and half from her to make a full woman. I've done it; he'll never be satisfied. Bin him

Original poster

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 15:22

Why would he want more. I am
Enough .. I think.. what could he get from her that I could not give. Why would he not even try . How would she give herself to him. From what I see and hear, it is him starting conversations , falling all over her literally and figuratively. How does he do this? And why does he do this. He knows that I really really like him and I do my best to be a good and giving girlfriend and he is to me too when we are together and even by texting so regularly and the nice things he says to me.This was my opening post....Am I being played and I think you may be spot on . How do I deal with him. Sorry for the questions. I'm ranting

OP posts:

justilou1 · 04/06/2019 15:27

Kick him out or leave?

Original poster

lipsticklush · 04/06/2019 15:54

Thanks for your help. I think it's time to leave

OP posts:

mollpop · 04/06/2019 16:09

If it helps, I'm in a similar situation, but on the other side. My best friend is a guy I work with. We tell each other everything and trust each other implicitly. We're really close. He has a girlfriend and she has nothing to worry about. We're not having an affair

QueenOfWinterfell · 04/06/2019 16:49

Agree with PP, he’s having his cake and eating it. He definitely has feelings for her and the only reason they’re not a couple is due to her. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to get out of the relationship now

Deathgrip · 04/06/2019 16:55

Seeing him five months . See him a couple of times per week , twice but that is coz of work commitments and distance . Have met friends and all family .he is very attentive to me

Not sure she’s the other woman - I think you might be. You’re the one he’s cagey about being linked to on social media.

Five months, 150 miles apart, seeing him twice a week? So not even 100 days spent together? This is barely a relationship.

Dealbreaker. Shut it down.

recrudescence · 04/06/2019 16:56

I'm asking if this is normal

No it isn’t. These are completely reasonable grounds for kicking him straight into touch.

RickJames · 04/06/2019 16:57

He's shitty. He's saying older women can't possibly be attractive (bollocks - we often are irresistible ) and he's stringing you along making you feel crazy. Totally disrespecting you.

Dump him, he's a tool.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 04/06/2019 17:05

he is very attentive to me

When?

Zoflorabore · 04/06/2019 17:14

I am classed as middle aged I think (41) and although I have a dp I have recently and in the past had plenty of attention from younger men. I think him saying that she's middle aged is supposed to make you think he wouldn't go there. Plenty of men fancy older ( and younger of course ) women.

From what you have told us so far op I think you have been very reasonable. I wouldn't put up with that. In a relationship you should be his focal point, not a woman be works with.

How do you know what he's up to on the 5 nights per week that you don't see him?

You deserve so much better than this love. Set the bar much higher. He is not committed to you fully and is dangling it right under your nose. Set him free to do what he wants because I'm pretty sure you will never feel enough for him, even though it's clear you are.

Absolute sod

Zoflorabore · 04/06/2019 17:15

BE enough for him sorry.

loubieloulou · 04/06/2019 17:20

This post sounds very familiar .... middle aged woman who is office buddy of your BF... he sounded infactuated with her then & he sounds infactuated with her now ( still )

OP get some self respect & fuck the creep off. He sounded deluded in your last post & you sound desperate & deluded now you are here again thinking that a bunch of folk on the old tinternet can tell you why he is doing this.

He is doing this because he's a fucking creep. And you allow him to continue doing so by not getting rid of him.

loubieloulou · 04/06/2019 17:23

P.S I remember your last post OP & the detail you went into regarding what he was saying to her.

She's just as bad for enabling it.

Why you are still with him is beyond me?!

speedbird55 · 04/06/2019 17:52

My best friend is male , 15 years younger , fab friendship and we text each other but not excessively & never in a provocative way , long term friendship ( 15-20 yrs ) nothing untoward ever will or has happened , both of our OH know each other and get on ok

So not always something wrong needs to going on however as you see each other only once or twice per week he really ought to have the manners not to be texting constantly ( or at all ) whilst in your company

Pk37 · 04/06/2019 17:56

He’s taking the piss , sounds like he has a crush on her if it isn’t already something more .
You deserve more , don’t put up with this shit

supersop60 · 04/06/2019 18:19

It's irrelevant whether she's older/younger/got a glass eye/wooden leg. He fancies her, and wants to spend time with her.
She meets some sort of need in him. He is at fault, not you.
Find somebody local to you, who treats you as you deserve. Dump him.

oldmumnewmum · 04/06/2019 20:21

so you're all saying he is wrong for having a friend? he is open and honest about her, says he wants them to meet, and you're all assuming he's having an affair! men and women CAN be friends, if this was the other way around, you'd all be saying it's control and abuse to try and dictate who some one can spend time with/message!

op, he is not hiding anything, stop being paranoid and enjoy your relationship x

QueenOfWinterfell · 05/06/2019 08:05

This is more than a platonic friendship and the OPs gut feeling is correct. Him saying she’s middle aged ( and therefore not attractive to him) is a red herring to put the OP off the scent.

goose1964 · 05/06/2019 08:21

I've worked in offices where some men have very close friendships without them being sexual. It is possible, but it may not be the case here

AsleepAllDay · 05/06/2019 13:29

You ARE enough. Him not recognising it is a flaw of his, not yours. A sensible relationship does not involve a third woman who engages his mentally and emotionally. Leave him free to chase her if he wants - chances are he'll disappoint her too. Sorry to say it but he's playing both of you instead of having the emotional availability and willingness to commit to one. Leave and stop giving this oxygen. You deserve to be with someone who doesn't split his focus between women

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