Cant cope with grandparents care and no support

[supermariossister]

I have posted before about issues with caring for my grandparents, things have changed recently as grandfather has now been moved into a nursing home due to a probable dementia diagnosis and severe lack of mobility after a long hospital stay where it became obvious he couldnt return home. The issue is my nan is not coping with the change,she has various health issues herself and we have always for years between myself and sister taken her shopping/hospital appointments but its now all of her appointments, errands, bill paying, any body coming to the house. This week she wants us to be at 4 appointments - water metter fittings,gardener coming and shopping.

I work evenings, get in at 8pm she rings me most nights soon as i get in crying and ranting about how she cant cope and is alone, how shes going to have him at home but how unwell she is and wil stay on the phone for an hour at the least.She rings ambulances frequently that she feels she cant breathe and wants us to go to her and go to hospital with.

Ive got three children at home, work and trying to spend time with grandad and her and im just burnt out to be honest, dont know where to turn as ive asked for assesment for her but she will refuse help or make excuses about solutions given. Just wondered if anyone had any advice or had been through similar.

She doesnt visit grandad often, has gone three weeks without going as she doesnt "feel up to it" and doesnt like it there. It breaks my heart as he would never of done the same to her,she says he has it easy being in there not knowing whats going on or having to deal with it which makes me so frustrated with her as she punishes him for the situation..

You need to involve social services for a full assessment and tell them that family cannot help.

Oh bless you. It's tough isn't it? You take on more and more, and think you are coping, then their needs change and it steps up a whole other level.

Yy to a full assessment of her needs, taking you out of the picture. It will be hard if she won't co-operate. You will have to be there so that when she says "My granddaugghter does all of my shopping with me" you say, "No, we don't. I can take you once a week, that's all." Or "My granddaughters will do X" "I'm sorry Grandma but we can only do Y". Agree to nothing unless you are prepared to do it regularly and reliably.

It's time to sit down with your sister and agree to what you can offer. Be realistic. If you can't offer an hour on the phone every night, you are not being unreasonable. It will be hard to persuade her not to ring, but you need to say that your phone will be off when you are looking after your children, and have an ansaphone for her to leave a message. If you can't go to the hospital with her everytime, again, not unreasonable. You need to tell her that the ambulance and hospital staff will care for her and you will take her bag in if she is admitted, or you will see her when she is back at home.

This week, don't be available for when the gardener visits. That's not an emergency. She can either cancel the gardener or oversee him herself. If it's a question of being there to pay him, you can set up a way of paying him remotely. The meter fitting is a bit more scary, as it is a stranger. Then she doesn't need to go shopping twice. Once a week is enough to stock up on essentials.

Look after yourselves. This is a case of being cruel to be kind, as you have to be well to look after her. It is a huge time of adjustment, and you need to talk to her as an adult about finding ways to make life easy for her, without being there all of the time, as you have your own children to care for too.

Best of luck.

Thankyou, yes its hard i love her and my grandad but this is putting serious pressure on me and my relationship at home.
A social prescriber has called her today whilst i was there to meet her and chat about loneliness and she has come off the phone and told me im not allowed to be mad at her for saying no to things. I told her it wasnt about being annoyed but its frustrating that she complains she is lonely but is not willing to try any of the solutions offered preferring to "go with me and my sister"
When i explained its alot of pressure and too much to expect she started crying and said well i wont call you then.

Im honestly just exhausted.

If your her carer, you can ask for an assessment of your own needs. If you take this over to Elderly Parents, you may get good advice from people who've gone down this route.

You have to put your own MH first (because if you're not in good nick, you won't be able to help anyone else), then after that the wellbeing of your children. It's very hard to say "no" but it often takes a crisis for the elderly person to accept that they need outside help and can't simply rely on family.

Remember it's very hard for an elderly person to admit to needing any outside care, because to admit that, they also have to admit to themselves it's the beginning of the end for them.

It sounds exhausting and I agree that you are going to have to start saying no to her otherwise she won’t start accepting other help.

You need to tell her that you can only do x, y, z. Think seriously

My dad discharged himself from hospital telling them ‘I’m fine my daughter is there to care for me’. I turned up in the middle of a manic episode (I’m bipolar), in my freaking pj’s (don’t judge it was fine in my manic mind), yelling at them I can.not.take.him, I’m barely looking after myself and kids right now. Their reply? But he says you can, and we could do with the bed. I ended up shouting and crying at the nurses (not my best moment and totally out of character), and they still discharged him.

What I’m saying is, you have to be there for any assessment and be forceful that you can not do x,y,z. Because experience has taught me they will say that they need no help that their family can do everything for them, they seem to forget that their family have their own family and work etc.

When i explained its alot of pressure and too much to expect she started crying and said well i wont call you then. You say, "That would be sad, Grandma, because I love you. I hope that you will let me help you to find other people to help you too, one day."

My mum, with dementia, started telling me that she hated me, whenever I wouldn't do exactly what she wanted. It became amazingly easy to detach, once I had advice on here. I knew that she loved me. I knew that I had done my best for her and that she was only saying it out of frustration. I tried to validate her feelings:

Mum: I hate you.
Me: I know. It's very frustrating not being able to do X, isn't it?

Hope that helps. As a previous poster mentioned, you might be able to get an assessment for yourself as a carer. My assessor was brilliant. She asked one question then listened, and nodded. I felt so much better having off loaded.

Once again, look after yourself (and your kids, your dh and your grandad.) You all matter a lot. Do as much as you can/want to for your grandma. Remind her that you love her and keep on offering her alternatives, for the things you cannot do.

There's a really helpful book about to come out which has good advice on this - the Essential Family Guide to Caring for Older People

I think she needs a home help via Social Services (if that's what they're still called) & you should get her bills set up as direct debits. Then, I'd look at her social isolation. There's a national Seniors befriending scheme for the elderly where they come round for a regular chat & cup of tea. Also, does your Church or local Age Concern have senior sewing circle, film club, walks, baking group, gardening etc? Our Church & Age Concern have so many activities she could be out all day every day with people her age at regular organised clubs/social stuff.