I want to check my partners phone

[Cuppa12345]

I asked to borrow my husbands phone the other day for the camera, mine was upstairs. He unlocked it and went to hand it over but then noticed WhatsApp was open and closed it in an urgent way. Anyway, I obviously opened WhatsApp when I walked away to take the photo I was planning to, and it was a text convo between him and a female colleague which was fairly innocuous on the surface. Just chatting. I scrolled back and it's about work mainly until a few weeks ago and then it becomes a bit more friendly and it made me uncomfortable but nothing I can put my finger on. No kisses. He says he has a cold one day, she asks if me and the baby have it too, he asked her how the drive was on another day, she says fine and a few more back and forth about their weekends.

Later I asked why he'd closed down WhatsApp quickly, he just said I was putting it on camera mode for you. I said I saw the messages and he was understanding and said that they get on at work and gave me a hug and said it was fine to be jealous but there's nothing to be jealous about and they were talking about long journeys they were both doing at work and so he asked her how it was. He said it's mainly work stuff, I said it was but now is more general chatting. I searched her on fb and he doesn't like all her photos and her profile picture is quite pretty. I asked if she was single and he said no, I said she was pretty, and he said she's not really. I said it didn't sit right and he said he couldnt see why and they were just mates.

I have friendships with blokes I work with - have been out for dinner and drinks on my own with them. When we first started going out over a decade ago we always used to say that I got on with men more than women and he got on with women more than men. He said this to me when I was asking him about the texts. He said if I met her I'd really like her.

I just can't stop thinking about it. I don't know why. I'm pregnant so may be just hormones but it's playing on my mind.

I have no idea what my aibu is. When he was asleep earlier his phone was on his bedside table and I really wanted to go through it. He says he has the right to privacy. I've said I don't care if he goes through my phone but he has always wanted privacy, not just recently. If I pushed it I think he'd let me see but I imagine he's deleted anything incriminating anyway.

For the record, he hasn't got angry or anything. His reaction when I confronted him was reasonable and understanding.

I've asked a few times since whether they've text each other and he said no, they haven't. I said "would you tell me if she had text you" and he said if you want me to tell you I will.

I don't know why I'm posting. The text convo seemed to be two mates texting but I just can't get it out my head.

They work for the police. Its notorious for affairs and the saying is "join the force get a divorce". They forge strong relationships with colleagues because of the work they do and the shift work is brutal. They experience a really crazy workload and the whole team use each other to support them emotionally. He has never mentioned her at work before I saw the messages, but has mentioned a few other people.

He is a good man. Doesn't drink much, doesn't go out much, is very supportive generally.

Any advice good people of MN for how I get over this, or should I check the phone and keep pushing this?

I think you are hormonal and reading too much into it.

I mean, on the surface, as you say, there’s really nothing worth picking up on. It’s good that he didn’t get annoyed at any stage, and that what he said matched the messages. It does sound like she is just a friend, and it doesn’t sound as tho the messages are too frequent or that he’s hiding them as such. I would be inclined to believe him saying they’re just friends but equally I would want to talk to him and explain how I was feeling for some reassurance.

You seem overly suspicious, he's being open, and none of the messages sound more than general every day chat. I think you need to take a step back, because if you keep pushing this it will damage the relationship.

Oh and to answer your question, please don’t check his phone (altho you already have really, by reading his messages), it’s a horrid invasion of his privacy.

Those messages were perfectly harmless. I have several male friends I message. We share more intimate (as in personal, not sexual!) stuff about our lives than your husband and his friend. It's all innocent though and my husband would be welcome to see the messages. I think you need to relax.

He is entitled to his privacy.

You may not mind you phone being checked. But he does.

Theres a thread going in at the moment, where a man read his wifes journal. Read that to see how it feels for someone to invade your privacy.

I would also close a messaging app if if was passing the phone to someone for the camera. Incidentally, on a lot of phones you can open the camera without the phone being actually unlocked. That's what I would have done.

And to be honest I would be annoyed if dp borrowed my phone for my camera, then actually went through my messages, found nothing but still insisted in questioning me, then had a Facebook stalk to see which photos I liked etc. All because I had a work friend who happens to be Male.

I haven't gone through his phone since, even though it's true I want to. When I did I had a moment of suspicion because he really did close it quickly when he saw he was about to hand it over to me open on their convo. I just looked to see who it was and it's someone called name I've never heard of.

A good thing about this is he hasn't got annoyed or defensive. I think he will soon if I keep going on about it.

The best thing is that I think I needed to hear that I'm being ridiculous as it has helped put it in perspective.

It’s hard to say tbh Cuppa. I think it’s a bit odd to be having generalised chat with people from work over WhatsApp, especially if she has a DH too. If anything it’s time consuming. I’d be put out if I thought DH was discussing me with a woman at work, while I’m sat next to him! But then you say that you go out for drinks and dinner with men as friends - I wouldn’t do that. People are different and it’s hard to say.

Yeah I thought that is relevant as I can't be saying that I can have plutonic friendships with men but he can't with women. I suppose him getting friendly with her is a new thing so it feels out of character for him.

I've had a chat with him and have said I can't get it out my head and maybe it's pregnancy making me clingy and I said it was making me want to check his phone all the time. I said is there anything on your phone that would upset me and he said there wasn't.. Again he wasn't angry or defensive and was understanding.

I just feel like this is different. But I can't really trust my feelings as I'm feeling over sensitive and I do really trust him, well, I thought I did.

But him being so nice is helping.

My previous boyfriend cheated on me loads and always made out I was an idiot to be jealous and over thinking it and massively messed with my mind. It was years and years ago but I remember how I felt reading his phone one night after 2 years and seeing all these really explicit messages to loads of people and photos. I took him back and rang his flat one morning and he had another woman up there. It was about 15 years ago but it seems to have stayed with me.

I think you either trust him or you don't. It sounds like you don't. You need to decide whether to get some help to keep your relationship going or give up.

Well we have a 11 month old, I'm in my 2nd trimester with our second, both work full time, have a mortgage and have been married for 7 years. Not sure just giving up would be a reasonable option. I do trust him when I'm in my normal emotional state.

Anyway, this has been cathartic. It's pretty unanimous that I'm overthinking.

I'm not the best person to reply as I have been cheated on in the past and so am quite mistrustful. When I was reading your post it seemed like maybe you were a bit paranoid - there was nothing obvious on there and your DH appears to have been understanding and reassuring.

However when I got to the part about him being in the police I understood your worry a bit more. I have personal experience of this and don't think I would ever get into a relationship with a policeman again. I had heard the saying but thought it was one of those things - it wasn't! That doesn't mean your DH has done or would do anything wrong but I can understand why you feel a bit more concerned.

You have an 11 month old and are 5/6 months pregnant. Your hormones are everywhere, I imagine your shattered, possibly not feeling your most sexy, possibly not having the most sex you've ever had. I think all those thing together can make you feel a bit vulnerable and fragile.

She knows about you and the baby so at least he's been honest about you. He hasn't freaked out at you reading or questioning. He's been as reasonable as I think anyone would in the circumstances tbf.

I'd honestly try to put it to the back of your mind. If you can get a babysitter perhaps suggest a night out with mixed friends as a last hurrah before baby2 comes and invite her. But he genuony doesn't sound like he's doing snytiing he shouldn't

Given your previous experiences, it makes sense that this would have activated all those old feelings and painful memories, which in turn have left you feeling vulnerable and worried.

I suspect that is the reason you're overthinking it, not hormones.

Be kind to yourself, keep in mind that what's happening now is different to the past, and if you can just let those old feelings surface and fade in their own time without getting too panicked about it. It's just a part of your brain healing from those old experiences that left such a huge imprint on you.

Thanks to the last 3 posters for their kind words. All of that is true - I'm knackered, fat and moody and not feeling like me and my past experience seems to be quite raw, probably because I'm feeling so shit about myself generally.

OK, will apply logic to this situation and fake it til I make it at being a secure person.

This has helped.

Nothing you've posted would make me suspicious. Put it down to hormones

I think you’re being hormonal but I completely understand it, I am the same when pregnant. Last year when I was pregnant a female colleague of my DP’s gave him a weird keyring as a present and I went absolutely ballistic. I don’t think I’d care when not pregnant but the pregnancy hormones made me boil over with rage. It’s such a weird time, your mind goes into overdrive.

I wouldn’t check his phone again and would be inclined to leave it for now. If you trust him you have nothing to worry about.

Never heard that saying before but a former friend of mine had an affair with her married sergeant so doesn’t surprise me...