AIBU - separated: access to marital home after leaving

[SelenaMeyer2018]

Hello,

Have name changed but have posted a number of times under other names about my current separated situation.

AIBU to not allow DH to visit family home due the arguments we are both still having with each other in front of the DC?

Background is that DH left at the start of the year after I found out about something (posted at the time) a lie which him and his mum/MIL in which they involved young DC in. Can’t help wondering if I hadn’t found out he would still be here... anyway,

Since then it has been awful in terms of communicating, even going to relate to help us agree on the contact arrangements for MIL and DC.

I have never denied contact between DH and DC - I have planned all dates since Jan and it works out to about 60/40 between us including DH having DC every other weekend. All dates are up to end of year. We have removed DH from CTax and bills (at his request) although he is still paying half of mortgage as I cannot afford on my own (although loose plan in place on how this will be managed going forward as part of divorce).

However last week he had DC in our home (which he left) and each day we argued before I left for work and when I returned home which DC heard. I am not feeling great about the split (and secretly am still hoping that a miracle will happen) but I am trying my best to hold DC, home and work together (although seems to be getting harder instead of easier).

Prior to arguing last week DH was also collecting DC one day each week from school and doing dinner, bath and bed. However because of the arguing last week (which is I feel starting to affect DC and myself) I want to say no to him doing dinner, bath and bed BUT I feel horrible doing that.

The thought of him being here makes me feel sick and whilst I have been able to not react to him previously, last week this was not the case as he was purposely goading and saying very upsetting things.

I know DC misses him, and I have suggested that he have the DC where he is staying one night a week but he has said it is not possible due to travel time to where he is living (because he decided to take himself of the car).

DC has, over the weekend, said stuff that was heard in the arguments but also how much DH is missed.

I can’t stand seeing DC so sad - I think it’s starting to sink in as they have said about missing me, DH and them doing stuff together, keeps mentioning the lovely holiday we had last year and asking me to ask daddy to come home.

I’m feeling a bit lost - really fucking lost actually - and whilst I want, and will continue to ensure, they see DH I’m losing perspective on what’s right about the after school night once a week.

So AIBU?

Thanks.

Why is he seeing dc st yours? Where is he living? Surely dc should be going to his house for the 40% he has them?

He shouldn’t be goading.
You shouldn’t be responding.
Neither of you can manage this arrangement - so yes, it has to stop.

Thanks for replying.

He is staying with a relative (not MIL) and does have DC there on his weekends but can’t during yet week; it’s further from school and work for him and because he took himself off car, the next day morning drop off would mean that he would be late for work.

It might be more of a 70/30 split thinking about it. Which is what he wanted. I’ve been as generous as I can based on the situation he has moved himself into.

As much as I hate DC not being with me I understand the importance of seeing DH. It’s just the being around me that I am finding hard hence my AIBU :(

You'll have to stop that arrangement of him coming to your house. It's not working. Tell him he's causing too many arguments. He needs to come back and live locally

YANBU; both of you have a duty to protect the kids from witnessing further arguments. x

I tried exactly the same thing...with the same outcome (ex wanting to row and shout despite having moved out)

The only things you can do are:

1. stop him coming to the house

2. make sure your presence in the house is minimal when he's there and when you get home he leaves

Continuing to argue is harmful to the children and teaches them how adults behave towards each other.

If it's a short term arrangement could he do EOW and the one evening a week could you do something for you? Cinema, visit a friend, go to the gym etc get back after DS is in bed and he just leaves? I wouldn't usually suggest it but as DS is missing him and the housing situation is short term it might be a solution until he has a place of his own

Thanks all.

Zippy, yep that’s what we were doing (since January) but asked on here because of the arguments last week. As you said I was using it to work late, do a shop, see friends etc. Our split seems to be getting worse over time; dread to think what it’s going to look like at 12 months.

Passtherioja - how are things now if you don’t mind me asking?

Presumably he can't afford to sort out accommodation permanently because he is still paying the mortgage on the family home? It feels a bit unfair to then say he can't have access to the kids during the week because of that. I would go for going out while he is there and getting everything sorted long term as soon as poss

You cant actually Ban him from the house.

Ge could move back in if he wished.

Personally, I would message him say the arguing must stop. Refuse to engage. And go out when he is there with the kids.

I would start the divorce as soon as possible so that he cant just rock up.

Have you thought about moving out of the house so he can move back in and have the DC there?

Thanks all!

Hahaha! I have not considered moving out and why would I?! For the time being this is mine and DCs home. Clearly he didn’t think the same way hence leaving .
I don’t want to leave DC. DC are struggling enough as it is at the moment not sure more upheaval and change with me going would help.

He is paying half the mortgage and that’s exactly why I asked. It does seem unfair, which doesn’t sit right with me but then again, neither does his goady comments, spiteful behaviour or general unpleasantness leading to arguments and upset for me, which in turn DC have witnessed. (I also don’t like him going through my personal diary or paperwork - which happened during the Easter holidays).

I’m waiting to hear from his solicitors to move forward with divorcing.

Just to be clear I haven’t said he cannot have contact with DC.

I have said that he cannot do dinner, bath and bed HERE. I have suggested that he has DC at his current residence but for reason about he has said he cannot.

Oh come on, I know he’s behaving badly but that’s a really unhelpful comment to make a dig about him moving out.

It’s sad, and it’s difficult but marriages break down. Which usually means someone has to move out. So just leave that aside, no snide comments are useful now. You think he should have stayed and had these rows going on every day?!

He is still paying half the mortgage (which he should, he needs to house his children) and he’s the one that sees the children less, and has lost his home. It sounds like it was his fault, so believe me even my smallest violin isn’t out! But now is not the time to make comments about him leaving the marital home.

I would tell him in as neutral way as possible that the midweek isn’t working.
So “there are too many arguments and it really upsets the kids” not “you have upset the kids”. Suggest he take them out instead. Or give him a chance suggesting that you don’t “discuss” (keep it neutral) anything in the house.

Why was he in the house at Easter with access to your paperwork?

Thanks Ellisandra.

@SelenaMeyer2018 ...sorry for the late reply!

We're a long way down the line now, he simply collects the children and drops them off. He doesn't come into the house at all.

He barely shares any information about the DCs on his weekends...to the extent that he's been in two car accidents with the DCs in the car and didn't bother to mention it.

If there is anything I need to talk to him about on the doorstep he generally gets quite cross but it's easy to shut the door when he starts rather than trying to get him out.

Could you not talk away from dc and agree not to argue or discuss anything other than normal family things during contact, go out yourself if need be. If you can manage to keep it civil it really helps dc and (selfishly) you are likely to get a better outcome if you do divorce because you can save a £££ on solicitors

Rioja - please tell me it gets better and at some stage I will not feel like a fragile foggy weary mum...

Stucknoue - all our comms is on email as agreed during our counselling. Apart from when he decides to be nasty!! I need to learn to not rise to it. Will channel energy into that!

Thanks all - on balance I’m sticking to the one night here during the week.

@SelenaMeyer2018

It does get better!!

I ended up working late and doing the weekly shop (slowly) on the night he had them in the week for tea/bath/bed! That worked quite well as if arrive back as it was time for him to go.

I also stated popping my phone on record so I had clear evidence when he created!

There were several steps backwards- I started going back just before bedtime when the DCs told me that they'd all had bedtime story in my bed!!

Don't get down-you need to keep it together for you and the DCs. It gets better but it takes time and he may still raise his head every now and then but don't be bullied in your own home xx

Thank you Rioja - reassuring to hear!